Perfection Detox: Learning to trust yourself

In 2018 Petra Kolber released her book, The Perfection Detox. I had pre-ordered the book and was very excited to start reading it. By that time in my life, I had come a long way and I had accepted that I was in fact a perfectionist with an insatiable need for perfection and control. So, I was looking forward to embarking on my own perfection detox. I had the book. I thought I was ready, and yet the detox never happened. Why? Well, it’s kind of a long story… […]

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Cultivating an intrinsic sense of happiness and wellbeing

Recently, Daniel Goleman shared in his newsletter, his ideas on happiness. He explains that there is a difference between the kind of happiness that depends on what happens to us on any particular day, and a deeper sense of joy or satisfaction that comes from within. The first can easily take a dive whenever there’s adversity. Any negative situation can cause us to fall out of happiness – e.g., a global pandemic and a time of lockdown, economic recession, natural disasters, etc. And let’s face it, bad things happen often, so if our sense of joy and fulfillment depends on factors outside of ourselves, we have basically elected to ride an emotional roller coaster every day.

The second form of happiness offers a sort of inoculation against these ups and downs. Goleman refers to it as being “happy for no reason.” Some would probably equate it to a type of Stoicism where you are unaffected by anything that happens outside of yourself.

I have spent some time thinking about this and even though I agree with Goleman that cultivating an inner state of happiness or wellbeing is preferable, I do want to clarify some misconceptions about what that means or what it should look like. Cultivating inner joy does not mean that you are unaffected by what happens outside of you. It simply means that you have a stable base to return to and that you have accepted certain truths in life and no longer push against those truths. I would like to discuss some of these truths to help you, dear reader, navigate this landscape of cultivating a sense of inner wellbeing. […]

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Embracing the Winter of the Mind

All my years living in South Africa, I had complained about cold winters. It wasn’t until I moved to Canada that I realised that your perception of what a cold winter is, depends very much on where you live in the world. Experiencing the winters here in Canada made me realise that it was never really that cold in South Africa. It just felt that way, because what I had been used to was extreme, dry heat in summer. So, consequently the switchover to cooler weather felt dramatic. Compared to the weather in Canada, the average winter’s day in South Africa feels about the same as the average spring day in Canada. In fact, sometimes winter in South Africa is warmer than spring here in Canada.

It also wasn’t until I lived in Canada that I understood how cold and darkness can affect your mood. I had heard about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), but I wasn’t always sure if it was real, or whether people were just using the weather as an excuse to be unproductive. I had underestimated what a lack of sunshine can do to your psyche. […]

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What’s in a story?

About two years ago I read the book Become a Key Person of Influence by Daniel Priestley and a line in the book has stuck with me ever since: “You are already standing on a mountain of value. Your story is valuable. Your experience is unique. You are highly valuable as you are.”

I consider myself a go-getter. I’m decisive and I take action. I’ve always believed that I get to create my life and that where I started did not define me. I don’t think I ever slowed down to consider how my experiences – i.e., my story – had shaped the person I am today. I think I had an intellectual understanding of that, but I wouldn’t really say that I could access that knowing on a deep intuitive level. […]

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Setting resolutions of a different kind

The year 2020 was difficult and challenging in many ways. And many people were eager to say goodbye to it and to welcome 2021. I have always found it quite strange how people think that a clock striking midnight could fundamentally change their lives. You are still the same person you were one minute after midnight than one minute before midnight; unless some fundamental life-changing event transpired in the span of two minutes…

Why do we attach so much value to the countdown to a new year? We convince ourselves that we get to leave the past behind and start with a clean slate. We get to start over. Be better. Dream. Set goals. Go for it this time and really make the changes we say we want. In many ways waiting for the new year before setting those goals or making those changes, is just another way of making excuses and procrastinating or stalling on the things you know you need to change in your life. […]

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The true meaning of Resilience

A few months ago, I wrote about how to cultivate resilience. Although most of what I shared in that article is true, I do feel like I need to expand on the idea of resilience a bit. I recently completed my training as a Certified Resilience Coach through the Leadership Wellness Group in Canada. Most of what I learned in the program, was not new to me. I’ve worked with these concepts and ideas for many years – especially during my time as a university lecturer, specialising in Organisational Behaviour and Organisational Wellness. Now, working as a coach, this knowledge has served me well in supporting my clients in cultivating their own resilience.

I think the main way in which my thinking about resilience has changed, is in how I talk to my clients about it. People often mistakenly think that resilience is a character or personality trait or that overcoming difficult situations or circumstances, makes you resilient. However, I have realised two important things about resilience. Firstly, resilience is not a personality trait that some people possess, and others don’t. Resilience – just like emotional agility or mental agility – can be learned. And secondly, it’s not overcoming difficult situations or circumstances that makes you resilient. In fact, it’s the other way around, it’s if and when you are resilient that you are able to overcome challenges or difficult situations. Let me explain. […]

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Reclaiming our Citizenship

I recently started reading The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist and then had the privilege to hear her speak at a conference on Forbidden Conversations hosted by Esther Perel. Lynne Twist has so much wisdom to share on how our relationship with money is formed and the evolution that is available to us.

She reminds us that we often forget that money isn’t real. It’s something we humans invented. We originally invented money to help us navigate exchange relationships with each other and to ensure that everyone has equal access to the resources they need. However, when we invented banking and we started making money from money, money morphed into something to be chased and desired, and it became one of the biggest sources of stress, worry, anxiety and shame for many of us. Money went from being a tool that enabled fair exchange to that which ultimately defines our success in life. […]

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Embrace life the way a 4-year-old would celebrate Halloween

Back home in South Africa, we didn’t celebrate Halloween as children. And moving to Canada didn’t really entice us much to start celebrating it. However, this year has brought so much uncertainty, heartache, anxiety, frustration, and disappointment, and if we’ve learnt anything from this year, then it’s that nothing is a given, and that we don’t have as much control as we imagined. My daughter also turned 4 this October, and it’s the first time that she actually understands the concept of Halloween.

We’ve been learning the months of the year and when she realised it was October, she immediately made the connection that October was the month of Halloween. She lit up with excitement at the thought of celebrating Halloween. So, we decided that this year we would “celebrate” Halloween, by allowing her to have some fun with it. […]

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Tell me what matters to you, and I’ll tell you who you are

As a coach, I’m really interested in what matters most to you. Phrased in another way, I’m curious about your core values. Core values drive our behaviour and are what propels us forward with passion to pursue a dream or goal. Often when we have a strong emotional reaction to a person or a situation, it’s because one of our core values was triggered. Values tell us who we are and what’s most important to us in life. They shape our character and pull us towards certain people, activities and situations. […]

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Partnering with you Calendar: Schedule your Big Rocks first

A feature of our modern lifestyles is busyness. It’s become a marker of how successful and productive we are. If you aren’t busy, then you are obviously not productive and possibly also not very successful. We’ve bought into this false belief that success requires us to be busy all the time. Consequently, I have clients who tell my they feel guilty when they slow down, take a break, or don’t have something to do. And I must admit that I myself have at times felt that I need to be busy. I’m a dynamic person. I like to stay busy and I find it hard to relax, slow down, or do nothing.

I am productive and I do get a lot done, but it’s not because I stay busy just for the sake of being busy. It’s because I discovered a secret of time management years ago that servers me to this day. Once I started applying this secret to my life, I could never go back. It has freed me from a need to overschedule or overburden myself. When I schedule my time, I do it with conscious intention and clarity about what truly matters and what I WANT to be spending my time on. […]

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