Let’s talk about purpose…

I love this quote by Benjamin Hale, because it beautifully summarises our biggest fear in life – i.e., what if this is all meaningless? What if none of this means anything? Do you think other animals ever contemplate the meaning of their existence or the meaning of specific events? So far, we don’t have any evidence that they do. It seems that questioning the meaning of things is a uniquely human characteristic. And as Benjamin Hale describes here, we graft our own meanings to the universe to comfort ourselves; to soothe the underlying unease we feel when we consider the possibility that it might all be meaningless.

So, why does meaninglessness terrify us? Why do we question the meaning of things? Victor Frankl went as far as postulating that the most fundamental human need is the need to find meaning. It’s what remains after we’ve been stripped of all our other needs, wants, and desires. In extreme circumstances, the meaning we attribute to something can determine whether we give up or keep pushing forward; it could literally mean the difference between staying alive and surrendering to death.

In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl postulates that there are three ways to cultivate meaning in your life. First, you can create meaning through doing work that you love, or by creating something through your labour. In other words, you can find meaning in your work or in your craft. Artists, musicians, writers all find meaning in their craft, because it allows them the opportunity for self-expression.  And self-expression is the most intimate form of meaning making.

Sometimes the meaning of our work, is determined by its impact on others or the world. What you do, how you spend your time, has significance if you feel it makes a difference to others. It doesn’t matter whether those others are thousands of people or one person. What matters, is that you perceive what you do, to matter to someone, or that it is aligned with a bigger cause that you have deemed personally worthy.

The second way to create meaning, is through loving another. In my PhD research I found confirmation for this idea. So many people cite their families or loved ones as their greatest source of inspiration or meaning. For some of us, those we love, inspire us to get up in the morning. It’s because someone else relies on us, depends on us, needs us, that we keep going, even when faced with difficulties.

I’m often reminded of Steve Chandler’s life story. He shares how for 43 years he was unable to find the motivation to build a better life for himself. He didn’t believe he had any specific skills or talents, or that he was capable of changing the trajectory of his life. And yet, when his wife was diagnosed with a mental illness, and he was left to raise four children by himself, he found the motivation to create wealth for himself. His greatest inspiration? His children. They were the reason he got out of bed and tried. He didn’t want to fail them.

I’m guessing that this is where the stories of soul mates come from too. Two people meet and fall in love, and for the first time in their lives, the have a companion to share their life with. For the first time they get to share their experiences with a significant other. And sometimes that one relationship becomes their greatest source of inspiration. It’s the motivation for building a beautiful life, so they can share it with the one they love. And then of course when their significant other dies, the partner dies shortly thereafter. Why? The one person or relationship that made their life worth living is no more. So, they literally lose their will to continue living.

This dimension of personal meaning also explains some of the research findings around the link between loneliness and health. Studies have demonstrated that those recovering from illness in hospital who have visitors, are more likely to recover. And those with no visitors are more likely to die. It seems feeling connected to someone does increase the meaning you attribute to your life. Loneliness has a significant impact on mortality and even cognitive decline in old age.

The last way we can create meaning, is often the most challenging, but also sometimes the most powerful way to do it. It’s to create meaning from tragedy or hardship. It’s to turn something horrible, into the inspiration for a beautiful life. Victor Frankl defined this by saying you can find meaning “through the attitude you take when faced with unavoidable suffering”. In the study of psychology, this is called “post-traumatic growth”. We’ve all heard those zero to hero stories of people finding themselves in the most horrible circumstances, and triumphing over those circumstances to inspire others, or to create something in the world that impacts thousands or millions. It’s those stories about people who simply do not give up, who remain positive even when faced with hardship. They become our heroes of resilience.

What is their secret? In the words of John Maxwell, their attitude is the difference maker. The story they tell themselves about the hardship they are facing determines the meaning the create from it. Caroline Myss describes it as asking yourself the following question, “Will I share my wisdom or my suffering?”

If you choose to share you suffering, you see yourself as a victim of your circumstances. And the meaning you attribute to the things that have happened to you, is that they defeated you, they broke you, they robbed you of your courage and your belief in your own self-efficacy.

If you choose to share your wisdom, you make a conscious decision to not let what happened to you define or defeat you. As Caroline Myss so beautifully phrases it, “It’s about looking at those things and saying that you will not let it defeat you. This happened. But I will not live in this. I will turn this into my source of wisdom.”

If you can’t make the thing that is happening, go away, you have the option to choose wisdom over woe. Which one will you share? What will you be remembered for?

So, what if you are still unclear as to the meaning of your life? What if you feel like you might be different in some way? Like your life might not be all that important? Or you might not be all that special? Then what?

My first invitation is for you to consider the odds of you being alive here and now. Do you know what it took for you to exist? Thankfully, Dr. Ali Binazir crunched the numbers for us. And he illustrates the extremely unlikely chain of events that would have to occur for you to be born with this example:

“Imagine there was one life preserver thrown somewhere in some ocean and there is exactly one turtle in all of these oceans, swimming underwater somewhere. The probability that you came about and exist today is the same as that turtle sticking its head out of the water — in the middle of that life preserver. On one try.”

The path to your existence begins with the odds of your dad meeting your mom (1 in 20 000). This is multiplied by the chances of them staying together long enough to have children (1 in 2 000), and so on…

The probability of you existing at all comes out to 1 in 102 685 000  — yes, that’s a 10 followed by 2 685 000 zeroes! You can view the full path of Dr. Binazir’s calculation in this infographic. It seems infinitely small, but it is not. How do we know that? Because you exist. You are here. So, given all the odds you have had to overcome just to be here, don’t you think it’s worth considering that perhaps this one beautiful life you have might be the greatest gift you could have ever received? Why would you not want to make the best of this gift? Why would you not want to get as much out of this life as possible, given what it took for you to exist right now?

My second invitation would be for you to slow it down. You see, we humans have this tendency to overcomplicate things – perhaps because of our drive to understand the meaning of it all, I don’t know. However, I want to encourage you to apply Occam’s razor – which in its most simplistic form is an invitation to simplify things or look for the simplest explanation. And what I mean in this context, is that your life purpose doesn’t have to be this terrifying idea of legacy and grandeur. You don’t have to change the whole world to live with a sense of purpose and to derive meaning from your existence.

Victor Frankl explains it thus: “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

You see, you can never be responsible for anyone else. You are only responsible for yourself and for the choices YOU make about YOUR life. You don’t have to search for some magical meaning or purpose or calling. Just like passion, purpose is not something you find. Purpose is something you create. You might ask, “How do I do that?”

So, I will share what I’ve learnt here.

Last year, I wrote an article about letting go of finding your passion. My reasoning was this: people buy into the false belief that passion is a prerequisite for starting and that unless you find your passion, you will always be stuck in a job, career, relationship, or situation that makes you unhappy. However, if you believe this, you have it backwards. You see, passion is NOT a prerequisite for getting started. Passion, confidence, happiness, joy – even wealth – are by-products of getting started. Any transformation, any shift, starts with action first. You must take that first step. Then the next and then the next. Over time as you gain ground, your confidence grows, and you start cultivating passion, enthusiasm, joy etc.

So it is with meaning. You don’t have to find or understand the meaning of something. You get to create it. Since you are a meaning maker, you get to decide what something means to you. And you don’t have to go looking for life’s ultimate meaning, or question what your purpose here on earth is. Do you want to know what your purpose is? You might like the answer. You might not. It’s simple: the purpose of life is to live. That’s it. Live the best way you know how. Live with full permission to create anything you want and show up any way you choose to.

So, instead of getting stuck on what your purpose is, why not ask yourself, what would I do if I gave myself full permission to live on my own terms?

And if there is a tug at your subconscious mind, or a pull in your gut towards something; if you discover that you are interested in something, instead of questioning it, analysing it, lying awake about it, asking advice about it, fretting about it, how about trying something completely novel. Why not ask yourself, “What’s the smallest experiment I can do to see if I’m actually interested?” Then take the first step and run that experiment. If you love it, keep going! If you hate it, get curious about what you thought you would get from the activity of experiment. Often the clue lies in the desired outcome.

Part of creating a meaningful life, is to lean into the wisdom of your own mind; to learn to listen to your own intuition, and to be willing to experiment. Life is ultimately a series of experiments. Those who try new things, learn about themselves. They learn what they like and dislike, what they love, what they care about, what makes them come alive, and what leaves them cold. They learn who they are in new and unpredictable situations. Those who are not willing to try, always wonder what if. What if I were brave enough to try? I wonder what would have happened? They live in envy of those who are brave enough to try and they find excuses for not trying.

Again, you get to decide whether you share your suffering or your wisdom; your pain and resentment, or your joy and inspiration.

Steve Chandler has such an eloquent way of describing this process of leaning into your own curiosity. He says it’s like going to a restaurant for a meal. You can’t decide what to eat until you’ve looked at the menu. You must look at the menu first. You must consider the options in front of you. I don’t know about you, but when I’m choosing a meal from a menu, I like to read the descriptions and even to look at the photos. I imagine what it will taste like. What flavours will I taste on my tongue? What will the texture be like? What will it smell like? How will I feel after eating the meal? I basically let my imagination decide for me what I want to try.

To choose, you need to focus your attention on the options in front of you. You need to think about each option, perhaps play out different scenarios; imagine tasting the first bite etc. You must think about how much you’ve had to eat already. How hungry are you right now? What will you be having later? How much can you afford to spend? Will you be sharing the meal? What would you like to get from the experience?

Then you need to choose. You can’t have all the options at once. You must choose your favourite for today. That doesn’t mean you never get to choose anything else. You might come back tomorrow, or next week, next month, or next year, and choose something else. But for now, you must choose.

Once you’ve chosen, you want to commit to your choice, lest you compare your choice with someone else’s and despair because you feel like you’ve missed out. I find that when I make my own choice and fully commit to it, I find more joy in it, than when I let others decide for me or when I compare my choices with other people’s choices.

Also, no choice is ever really permanent. Every day you decide to stay the path of a particular choice, you are actually choosing it again. You might tell yourself that you have no choice, but that is a lie. You always have a choice; even when it doesn’t feel like you do.

In his book, Wealth Warrior: The Personal Prosperity Revolution, Steve Chandler talks about wealth and prosperity. He says:

“For you to create wealth in ways that are free, imaginative, and prolific, you have to have access to your higher self. Higher self? The real you — you at your best. You when you surprise yourself. Don’t you surprise yourself once in a while? That’s the “you” I’m talking about. That’s the real you. The rest is fears and bad memories.”

The same could be said about purpose. The meaning of your life is created by the choices you make. When you ask yourself, “Who am I when I am my best self?”, you open yourself up to creating a meaningful existence. When you are willing to surprise yourself every now and again, by leaning into your strengths and your authentic being, you get to write your own narrative. When you let fear or old beliefs hold you back, you stop yourself from writing the narrative of your choosing.

So, my invitation to you is this: Ask yourself who would I be if I weren’t afraid, and I didn’t feel like I needed to hold back? How would I show up? What would be possible for me?

Then ask yourself, what is the smallest way that I could honour this yearning to let my fear go and step up? Then take the first step. I know it’s scary, but remember you beat the odds already. You exist. That is enough reason to get started. The best way to repay the greatest gift ever received is to use it fully.

I will leave you with this quote from Werner Erhard:

“It is important that you get clear for yourself that your only access to impacting life is action. The world does not care what you intend, how committed you are, how you feel or what you think, and certainly it has no interest in what you want and don’t want. Take a look at life as it is lived and see for yourself that the world only moves for you when you act.”

References:

1. Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., Aaker, J. L. & Garbinsky, E. N. (2013). Some key differences between a happy life and a meaningful life. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(6).
2. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Let go of finding your passion: Rather aim to develop your interests. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/let_go_of_finding_your_passion/
3. Chandler, S. (2012). Wealth Warrior: The Personal Prosperity Revolution. Maurice Bassett.
4. Frankl, V. E. (2004). Man’s search for meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust. London: Rider.
5. Hawkley, L. C. & Cacioppo, J. T. (2013). Loneliness Matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40 (2), pp. 218–227. Available online at: https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8.
6. Maxwell, J. C. (2006). The Difference Maker: Making your attitude your greatest asset. New York: HarperCollins Leadership.
7. Spector, D. (2012). The odds of you being alive are incredibly small. Insider, June 2012. Available online at: https://www.businessinsider.com/infographic-the-odds-of-being-alive-2012-6