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Slow down

Thoughts on personal growth, courage, and stepping into your bigger life.

Reflections of an Insecure Overachiever…

Reflections of an Insecure Overachiever…

In his book, Meditations for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman reasons that our hustle culture is created by the misunderstanding that our existence is insufficient reason to be happy and fulfilled. Some of us run on an often-unconscious belief that we “must prove that we are worthy to exist”. Burkeman describes it as starting each day in deficit of some productivity debt we believe we need to pay off, before we can relax. The trouble is that we never seem to be able to settle this productivity debt, because every time we achieve the impossible, reach the deadline, or finally manage to get slightly ahead, we realize that we now must keep maintaining this new standard of performance and achievement. Consequently, there is no end in sight, and we keep at it day after day, in the hopes that one day we will arrive at this elusive future where we finally feel “good enough” or like we have done enough. Unfortunately, that day is never coming, because we have set it up in a way that we can never get there…

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What is the opposite of scarcity?

What is the opposite of scarcity?

In a conversation with a client who is in the exploration of her own thriving, she mentioned how, in her incessant drive for more, she often mistakes momentum for meaning. And this is a symptom of living in a manic world driven by a scarcity mindset… Robert Holden calls this our destination addiction. When we believe that there is not enough, that we are not enough, or that we will not have enough, we also inevitably believe that more is better, and we start to think that the whole point of life is to keep chasing more until we arrive at the ever-elusive destination where we finally “have it all”. Lynne Twist reasons this is how we keep the scarcity mindset alive. We have been conditioned to focus on what we lack, not on what we already have. When we pay attention to what we lack, we inevitably believe that more is always better, and we act as if there is simply no other way to be in the world. This is just how it is. What we don’t see, is how we then trap ourselves on a hamster wheel that we can never escape…

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What to do when you feel overwhelmed – Take 10…

What to do when you feel overwhelmed – Take 10…

I’m not someone who tends to write about the steps you need to take to overcome something, or fix something, and today I want to talk about something Alison Armstrong shared that landed and resonated deeply. And it’s directly connected to our willingness to let ourselves grow, stretch, and ultimately thrive… So, I hope you will indulge me in sharing with you what you could do if you are currently feeling overwhelmed.

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Do you feel like you are behind in life?

Do you feel like you are behind in life?

At the start of the new school year in September, my daughter’s music teacher handed her a recorder. One of the skills she is mastering this year in Grade 4, is learning to play the recorder. She loves music and loves learning. Since September she has practiced every single day. And every time she masters a new song, she receives a new colour belt. The goal, I’m told, is to first get her first black belt, then reach three gold belts, which will unlock the ultimate prize – a rainbow-coloured belt. She is obsessed with rainbows, so of course a rainbow-coloured belt is the ultimate coveted item right now. I’ll be honest, there have been days where I have had to remind myself that the noise is part of the journey, and that she can’t improve her skill without practice. Then one day it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard her play in a while. A curious question as to why I haven’t heard her play, resulted in tears. “All my friends have moved on to black belts, and I’m still stuck at purple. I’m so far behind…” And there it was. The cry I’ve heard so many times from friends, loved ones, and especially from clients – they fear that they are behind in some way. This is not a new phenomenon, and my daughter certainly isn’t the only one experiencing the feeling of being behind in life. In fact, it saddens me that she is already feeling behind at such a young age...

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When do you let yourself rest?

When do you let yourself rest?

I discovered the practice of Bhava Yoga in October last year. I was looking for something that would support me in being in my body to release all the intense grief I have been carrying this past year. Many years ago, one of my Yoga teachers said that we come back to Yoga when we are in pain – whether that is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual pain. I have found this to be true. This time, I was coming to Yoga to work through my mental, emotional, and spiritual pain after losing my father, and walking through one of the most difficult years of my life in my marriage. Over the past 12 months, there have been days where it has felt impossible to get out of bed, and yet, I got up. I have to, because I have small humans who depend on me. However, I also understood that I could not show up for them if I wasn’t resourced. So, Bhava Yoga has become non-negotiable. It has become a way that I return to the sacred...

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What season of Life are you in right now?

What season of Life are you in right now?

The other day at my son’s Hip Hop class some of the other moms were discussing camps they were booking for their children for Summer. Summer?! It’s January. We are still in Winter. I laughed a little at their urgency around needing to get their Summer camps booked now. This event left me with two thoughts…

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You won’t get it all done. And that is good news…

You won’t get it all done. And that is good news…

I know most New Year’s articles often start with a note of excitement and anticipation about the new possibilities ahead. I would like to start my first article of 2026 on a more sobering note. You might find it depressing, and yet, I want to invite you to consider that perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s the key to your liberation this year. On the first day back to school from the holiday break, I was talking to the father of one of the kids in my son’s Kindergarten class while we were waiting for them to be dismissed for the day. I asked him how the holidays were for him, and as per usual, I got the response I seem to get a lot from people: “Busy”. How often do you find yourself responding to a question on how you are with the that one word, “busy”? What was even more interesting, was when I asked this father what he was most excited about in the coming year, he said he didn’t know yet, because he hadn’t had a chance to catch up on emails. He shared that once he has caught up with everything he is behind on, he will have a better sense of what he wants to do this year. And this is how most of us run our lives. When… Then… We play this endless When… Then… game with ourselves, without recognizing the three most important truths that will set you free from this endless hamster wheel...

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Are you trying to do it all?

Are you trying to do it all?

December always feels like paradox. Most of the world seems to be winding down, and somehow things are speeding up at the same time. In the Northern hemisphere, there can be a longing for cozy evenings in front of the fireplace, comfort food, and warm blankets. In the Southern hemisphere, there is the longing for lazy days on the beach, or around the pool, barbeques, and Xmas parties. Yet, I also hear from people that their inboxes are running over, they are drowning under urgent deadlines, and organisations are hurriedly trying to complete planning for the new year. There is an increased urgency to get things done, and completed, and a tension between desperately wanting rest, and feeling like you can’t rest yet. With children in the mix too, the holiday season can feel anything but relaxing and restful. Often there is no childcare available, and you are scurrying to figure out how you will keep your children entertained or occupied. And somehow you have unknowingly also taken responsibility for ensuring that there is “holiday magic”? When did that get added to the list? And why is it even a requirement? The core leadership challenge that no-one talks about, is not strategy, planning, or systems, but rather how to navigate the internal negotiation between your energy or capacity, and outside expectations. And that is why today I want to talk about capacity...

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A year in the rear-view mirror

A year in the rear-view mirror

At the end of each year, I complete a Year-End Review. I spend time looking back at the year in granular form. I go and look at one month and one week at a time. What am I looking for? I look at what was happening both personally and professionally. I look at my calendar and my business tracking to see who I was serving, where I was travelling to, and what felt important during each moment in time. I reflect on how I felt, and how I was relating to all that was occurring. Why do I do this? I complete this detailed Year-End Review every year, because it gives me the opportunity to reflect on my life from a zoomed-out perspective with new knowledge that I didn’t have at the time that the events were occurring. It often has me change my perspective on the story I tell myself about the year I just had. And it ensures that I tell myself the truth instead of just holding on to a story...

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The value of facing our Demons…

The value of facing our Demons…

I want to start this article a little differently to how I would usually start a post. I want to start by sharing this funny video that captures my evolution with KPop Demon Hunters in 15 seconds. And if you don’t know what KPop Demon Hunters are, welcome to the movement. May it inspire you as much as it has inspired me. If you are not a fan, that is totally fine too. I feel a little sad for you. And, you don’t need to a be fan, or even have watched the movie, to get value from this article. It’s just my starting point, and it doesn't need to be yours. So, just hang in here with me for a little bit as I provide some background to why this movie, why this article, and why now?

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It’s OK if you are NOT OK

It’s OK if you are NOT OK

A minor car accident a month ago was a wake-up call for me. It made me pause and had me face the truth of where I am right now. It’s been seven months since my father’s passing. Since then, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law have all been ill this year. And the day before my birthday, my aunt passed away. I have felt myself reeling with shock and confusion over the past eight weeks. I wish I could tell you that I was wise and calm during these intense weeks, but I have not been wise and calm. Far from it. I have fallen into old defensive patterns in a futile attempt to make myself feel safe…

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The significance of 9/11

The significance of 9/11

Today, the day that everyone remembers as 9/11, is also my father’s birthday. And I find it fitting that his birthday is on a day that has had such historical significance for those of us who were alive on 11 September 2001. That day started like any other day and so many people did not get to see the end of that day… And I remember exactly where I was on that day... This year, on what would have been my father’s 69th birthday, there are three things I’m doing differently that stem directly from deep life lessons learnt in watching my father suffer in his final days and losing him.

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The Truth about Perfectionism

The Truth about Perfectionism

In April of this year, I did a thing. With the gentle nudging of my coach, I participated in a professional rebranding photo shoot. The photo shoot took place in the midst of tremendous grief and sorrow. I was still reeling from the shock of my father’s passing. If I’m being honest, I’m still reeling from it now. There are days where the grief of it is so intense that my heart physically aches, and the tears have a valve of their own that cannot be turned off… And yet, the photos are more real, more authentic, more true than any photos I have ever taken. They reflect someone who is more grounded, more present, more connected to herself, Life, and others. They reflect who I am without any filters or pretense. They are raw and real. They are vulnerable. They are beautiful. This photo shoot in April was not some spur of the moment, spontaneous event. It was part of a much larger agreement with my coach to start to see myself more clearly, to claim the value of the work that I do, and to realign my brand to clearly reflect that. It was part of a project called “Seeing Myself”. Why am I sharing this with you, and what does seeing myself have to do with the title of this article? Everything really. When we slow it down...

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Little earthquakes: How grief and trauma shapes us

Little earthquakes: How grief and trauma shapes us

I recently finished reading, Little Earthquakes: A memoir by Sarah Mandel where she recounts the heartbreaking story of her six year long battle with stage four metastatic breast cancer and the ensuing trauma that unfolded from that. Mandel was a therapist who used narrative therapy to help her clients work through their trauma, and then chose to apply her own therapy methods in the writing of her memoir. It was a way for her to make sense of the trauma she had walked through...

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Grief is Love in its rawest and purest form…

Grief is Love in its rawest and purest form…

My dear beloved community, I have not written to you since January. In fact, I have not written much in months. And my writing today comes from a tender and vulnerable place as I choose to share what has been unfolding in my life that has prevented me from sharing my regular newsletter with you.

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What’s the difference between self-improvement and self-growth?

What’s the difference between self-improvement and self-growth?

Usually in January we hear a lot of talk about goals, dreams, aspirations, ways that we are going to be better and do better. This time of year tends to be a time when there is a heavy focus on self-improvement. Although, I will say that this year, I feel like the energy is different. I don’t know if it’s only on my side of the world, or whether you have experienced something similar? And I’m attributing it to all that is occurring in the world at the moment – wars, elections, wildfires. One colleague said what I was thinking. He said, “It feels like it’s the pandemic all over again...” I will share that that is certainly where my fear-based mind went immediately, because I remember that there were these out-of-control wildfires in Australia at the beginning of 2020 just before the pandemic really hit. And if you are feeling less inspired and excited this January, I want to invite you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. My sense is that in many ways, we are still recovering from the trauma of the pandemic, and that our nervous systems are constantly bombarded with more things to process. And it’s a lot. It really is. And this is why I want to discuss the difference between self-improvement and self-growth...

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How will you BE as we close this year?

How will you BE as we close this year?

I’ve been thinking about of you and about this time of year. For some, this is a joyous time of year. And for some it’s the most miserable time of the year… How you feel about the holiday season probably has a lot to do with how you grew up and what occurred during the holiday seasons...

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Guilt is not a feeling

Guilt is not a feeling

These past few weeks I’ve been riddled with guilt, so much so that my guilt would wake me up in the middle of the night, and I would feel my heart beating in my chest, and my mind racing with worry. So often, my clients share how they carry their own guilt for choices they’ve made, especially when others do not approve of those choices. Recently, I had a deep conversation with my coach about guilt, and I had a profound insight that has changed the way I see my guilt. And I want to share with you here what I’ve learnt about guilt...

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Where and how are you adding value without seeing it?

Where and how are you adding value without seeing it?

Just before the completion of the Coaching Leadership Mastermind I did with my coach, she invited the group to consider where, in which dimensions of our lives, we added value either to ourselves or to others in the past 24 hours. We worked through The Wheel of Life and considered which dimensions of our lives were enriched in the past 24 hours? Then my coach invited us to reflect on the past week, and consider where in the past week we add value to either ourselves or others? Lastly, she invited us to review the whole month and consider in a deeper way where did we add value to ourselves or others over the past month?

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Self-care in times of chaos

Self-care in times of chaos

The energy in September tends to be similar to that of the start of the year. Once back from Summer break, people now need to recommit to work, and schedules, and often with the start of the new school year, and after having a break, we vow that we will start doing things differently...It’s interesting how I found myself in the first week of September, already wondering how I will get through the rest of September… Perhaps this feels familiar to you too? And yet, often, even when I feel less resourced, I find myself still pushing through. One of the stories running in the background was, “You can’t be tired now. You just came back from a vacation.”...

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How and Why We Numb…

How and Why We Numb…

Recently I shared how shame can get in the way of us living more wholeheartedly. Today I want to talk about numbing. All of us numb from time to time. Some of us numb more than others, and yet all of us numb. What does it mean to numb? Numbing is what we do to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings. It’s what we do when we are resisting feeling our true feelings about something. And usually, we resist our true feelings about something, because we have convinced ourselves that it would be too painful to feel our feelings, or that we might get overwhelmed by our feelings if we let ourselves feel them...

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Can a flat tire give you a headache?

Can a flat tire give you a headache?

I’m currently listening to Life Loves You by Louise Hay and Robert Holden and in Chapter 3 of the book Robert Holden shares about a talk he once attended on the mind where the presenter posed the question: “Can a flat tire really give you a headache?” The reasoning was that you might complain about getting a flat tire, and you might even feel like you have a serious headache after having to deal with replacing a flat tire, but is it really the flat tire that is giving you the headache? The only way the flat tire can be responsible for your headache, is if the tire came off, bounced, ricocheted, and hit you in the head. What is really giving you the headache when you need to replace a flat tire, is your thinking about the flat tire...

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Appreciate and acknowledge the phase of life you are in

Appreciate and acknowledge the phase of life you are in

Often this time of year, there are lots of posts on social media about big goals and kicking the year off with a strong start. Many of those messages contain a subtle (or not so subtle) tone of “if you're not all in and ready to go, there's something wrong with you". And yet, you might find yourself in a place where you are not sure you are all ready to go. These messages are not accurate. Not everyone is excited at the start of a new year. And nor do you need to be, because let’s be honest, New Year’s Day, is just another day in the year, like any other, and nothing significantly changes between one minute before midnight on December 31st and one minute after midnight on January 1st...

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Why it serves you to slow down at the Beginning of a New Year

Why it serves you to slow down at the Beginning of a New Year

This past weekend, I led a workshop for 19 people called “Creating 2024 with Intention”. These 19 individuals made the conscious and brave choice to slow down, take stock of what had transpired in their lives in 2023, and really become intentional about who they want to become in 2024 and what experiences they would like to be having this year. The New Year often evokes within most of us the need to set new year’s resolutions. It’s an invitation to start anew with a clean slate. And it’s been my experience that so often people are so eager to move forward, that they don’t take the time to slow down, turn around, and look back to where they had come from...

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Take this with you into the last days of 2023

Take this with you into the last days of 2023

Earlier this week, I sent out what I thought would be my last newsletter for this year, and then two things happened yesterday that had me feel compelled to write to you all... First, I had a conversation with a client yesterday where she shared with me the awakening and transformation she had experienced over the past two years. The second thing that happened yesterday, is that I attended a Quarrtsiluni session with a colleague who was generous enough to invite me to his event.

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Rest is part of the work. It’s not the reward for hard work.

Rest is part of the work. It’s not the reward for hard work.

There are two times of year that I find quite intriguing. The one is just before the Summer holidays and the other is just before the Winter break for Xmas and New Year’s. People tend to get into a frenzy to “wrap everything up” or “get everything done” before they “take a break”. And some people treat their “break” as a “to do” item on their to-do list. My sense is that this is a symptom of the society we live in – a world that is always on and always on the go. I firmly believe that we are not built for speed. Human beings are not meant to be moving at the pace that we are moving in this world right now. Here is why...

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What if Perfection is not required this holiday season?

What if Perfection is not required this holiday season?

Last year, at the start of the holiday season, I asked whether you would be inviting the Twin P’s over for dinner this holiday? It seems that many of us – especially women and caregivers – turn in to control freaks during the holiday season. We become frantic and tend to experience a tremendous sense of overwhelm, because we believe it’s our job to create “the perfect holiday celebration” for our family. What that usually looks like, is we want everything to be perfect – whatever that means? – we refuse to ask for or accept help from others, and we become control freaks, so we become impossible to be around. But what if it doesn't have to be this way?

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What “finishing strong” really means

What “finishing strong” really means

As I write this, Christmas is exactly 30 days away. And the New Year is 37 days away. Something that tends to be a popular topic of conversation – or perhaps I experience it that way because I’m a coach – is how will you finish the year strong? I’m a big fan of finishing the year strong. I’m not someone who stops before reaching the finish line. And, just like with the concept of Christmas, the concept of “finishing strong” might hold different meanings for different people…

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The real reason why you matter…

The real reason why you matter…

In a recent newsletter, Amber Krzys spoke about the true meaning of integrity, and her article really resonated with me. Integrity has been a core value of mine for most of my life. Amber shares that for most of her life, she thought that integrity meant keeping your word. Even though this is true, there is also a deeper meaning to integrity...

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Worry is a misuse of the imagination

Worry is a misuse of the imagination

Recently I asked whether your permacrisis has become a state of being? I received quite the response from this community about that article. And so today, I want to say more about it from a different perspective. I want to talk about worry and anxiety.

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Is your Permacrisis a state of being?

Is your Permacrisis a state of being?

Recently, Carolyn Freyer-Jones wrote about Permacrisis. She explained that Permacrisis “refers to a state of ongoing instability and insecurity, where unexpected challenges seem to arise constantly”. We all know people who live in a constant state of Permacrisis, regardless of anything happening in the world. Their lens (based on upbringing and other circumstances) is Permacrisis. They look out into the world, and they see Permacrisis everywhere. They find things to worry about and they experience life as one emergency after another. Even when things are going well in their lives, they live in constant anticipation that something will go wrong. We get to choose who we want to be and how we want to show up in the world. I create my life in every moment by how I show up to each moment...

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How much are you “shoulding” on yourself?

How much are you “shoulding” on yourself?

I recently shared what I had learnt from watching the Barbie movie. And the key insight I shared was how we put labels on ourselves or how we identify with certain labels without considering that perhaps they are just that – labels. And the label we assign ourselves or get assigned by others, could never really fully capture who we are, because we are so much more than the labels. In that article I pointed out that each of us have a responsibility to know who we are outside the system of rules we have created for ourselves. And today I want to talk more about the rules we create for ourselves. A lot of these rules operate unconsciously, and yet, they dictate how we live our lives, so they are worth investigating...

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Are you taking in the room or simply rushing for the door?

Are you taking in the room or simply rushing for the door?

The other day my daughter asked me why I set timers for myself throughout the day. I set alarms that remind me when it’s time to leave for an appointment, or when it’s almost time for a client call. I do this so that I don’t have to keep watching the clock. I find constantly watching the clock takes me out of the moment and that is not helpful for my intention to be fully present IN the moment. So, I have alarms that remind me of the time. That lessens my mental load, and allows me to simply BE in the moment and enjoy the moment, because I don’t have to worry about missing a call. And of course, with the wisdom and brilliance of a 6-year-old, my daughter shared her insights from what she understood about why I have alarms that go off throughout the day...

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What is rest anyway?

What is rest anyway?

In a recent article I spoke about unhealthy striving. I pointed out that we live in a society of high-achieving, high-producing, chronically tired and burnt-out individuals. I shared how often we wear a lack of sleep as a badge of honour. People often pride themselves on how little sleep they are getting and how much they are getting done, without realising that “functioning” on only a few hours of sleep per night, is equivalent to driving under the influence of alcohol. However, have you ever tried to fix a persistent lack of energy by sleeping more only to sleep and still wake up feeling exhausted? The reason for this is that sleep and rest are NOT the same thing. We tend to incorrectly assume that to rest means to sleep. Yet sleep is but ONE form or rest. So, in the spirit of truly slowing down to take stock, I want to talk about rest...

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Striving, yet not thriving

Striving, yet not thriving

Recently, I posed the question, can you handle the effort shock? And there was quite a reaction to that article. So, today, I want to speak to those of us (myself included) who tend to overdo it and who tend to not know where the line is between effort and burnout.

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Heart and Mind Goals

Heart and Mind Goals

Today, I want to say a little more about setting goals. As I’ve shared before, I’m not a big fan of traditional New Year’s resolutions. I believe that when we are setting goals, these goals should come from our highest most authentic self, our Inner Wisdom or Inner Leader. When our goals come from this place, they are aligned with who we want to be in the world and what we feel called to create and bring into the world. When our goals come from our Ego, or from our sense of how we see ourselves falling short when we compare ourselves with others, then our goals are essentially SHOULDS and not WANTS.

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Slow down and turn around: Honouring Completions

Slow down and turn around: Honouring Completions

The New Year often evokes within most of us the need to set new year’s resolutions. It’s an invitation to start anew with a clean slate. And it’s been my experience that so often people are so eager to move forward, that they don’t take the time to slow down, turn around, and look back to where they had come from. At the end of last year, I wrote about the value of celebrations and why I think it’s important to choose to celebrate our successes and milestones. My thoughts here are an extension of the discussion on celebrations because I also believe there is value in truly honouring completions...

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Will you be inviting the P Twins over for dinner this holiday?

Will you be inviting the P Twins over for dinner this holiday?

Recently a client shared with me how stressful she finds the holidays. I invited her to tell me more and she shared that she tends to go into overdrive during the holidays. She wants everything to be perfect, and that usually means that she refuses to accept any help. She also finds that she turns into a control freak and people tend to avoid being around her when she is preparing for the holidays. We slowed it down and I asked her what has her feeling so stressed and pushing so hard. She said, “unrealistic expectations of perfection”. I asked her who is placing these expectations upon her. My client is very self-aware, so she immediately recognised that she was placing these expectations on herself. No-one else was asking her to do all the things she commits herself to doing during the holiday season. She was doing this to herself...

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What does it mean to celebrate?

What does it mean to celebrate?

As the holiday season approaches, life has brought me some interesting experiences that has me contemplating the value of celebration. The dictionary defines a celebration as “the action of marking one's pleasure at an important event or occasion by engaging in enjoyable, typically social, activity.” And this time of year, tends to open people up to celebration for various reasons. Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, or anything in between, this time of year is mostly an invitation to celebrate. And that got me thinking about my relationship to celebration...

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Heart-Centred Listening: It’s not a skill. It’s a mindset.

Heart-Centred Listening: It’s not a skill. It’s a mindset.

ly listening to another human being feels like a lost art these days. My great-grandmother used to say that we have one mouth and two ears so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. And she was a great listener. She seldomly spoke, so when she did, I always listened, because I knew that what she had to share would be valuable... Today I want to talk about far more than simply listening for learning or for our own personal understanding. I want to talk about what it means to listen deeply to another in a way that has you both feeling seen, heard, and deeply connected.

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Living in the Now

Living in the Now

Three years ago, I read the book Slowing Down to the Speed of Life for the first time, and it changed my life. Before stumbling upon this beautiful book, I had been searching for ways to slow down my mental chatter, and to become more present. My search for presence started back in 2008 when I discovered Eckhart Tolle. I devoured all his books and audio recordings, desperately seeking to tame my ego mind, and find ways to really live more fully in the present moment. And there were times when I was able to do that, but it always felt like it was only attainable in short bursts. I had to work at it, and only a few specific things helped me stay present...

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Reconnecting with a sense of hopefulness

Reconnecting with a sense of hopefulness

As a coach, a big part of my job, is to instill hopefulness and inspiration in my clients. My job is to help them see a different perspective so that they feel empowered to move forward in a difficult situation. I can’t solve my client’s problems for them, but they can navigate their problems with grace, if they feel like they have a choice. And you always have a choice, even if you are not seeing it right now in this moment. So, given that I am the custodian of hope for my clients, how do I stay hopeful during times of chaos and frustration?

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The world needs you to be a leader

The world needs you to be a leader

Over the past few days, I’ve watched with shock and horror the events unfolding in Ukraine. The fact that one person could yield so much power to literally destroy people’s lives, is appalling. And the sense of powerlessness I felt, was causing a knot in my stomach and an intense and deep ache in my heart. Coincidentally, I attended a Co-Active Leadership Experience this past weekend. The Co-Active leadership model turns traditional assumptions about and definitions of leadership on its head. It postulates that we are all leaders and that different situations call for us to take on different leadership positions. And frankly, it’s profound, because it cultivates a true sense of power. It teaches that in any moment you can take ownership of how you want to show up and as a leader. It’s your responsibility to take ownership of your impact on the world. And we are all having an impact.

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What’s your word or theme for the year?

What’s your word or theme for the year?

For many, this time of year often feels like an opportunity to reset and to begin again. Whatever you feel disappointed about in your life, you can course correct by setting different intentions for the new year. Many people kick off a new year by setting their New Year’s resolutions. Interestingly, I read the other day that Bill Gates isn’t one of them. Instead, Gates prefers doing a personal year-end review by asking himself a series of questions, and then settles on an intention for the new year. His ex-wife, Melinda French Gates, also doesn’t set resolutions when the new year rolls around. Instead, she selects a single word to set the tone of her year...

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When you are serious about real transformation, the time of year is of no consequence

When you are serious about real transformation, the time of year is of no consequence

I always find this time of year intriguing. For some reason, people attach tremendous value to counting down towards the new year. For some it even evokes tremendous pressure to create “the perfect New Years celebration”. We convince ourselves that we get to leave the past behind and start with a clean slate. We get to start over. Be better. Dream. Set goals. Go for it this time. And really make the changes we say we want. However, you are still the same person you were one minute after midnight than one minute before midnight; unless some fundamental life-changing event transpired in the span of two minutes… The way I see it, waiting for the new year before setting those goals or making those changes you’ve been procrastinating on for weeks, months, sometimes even years, is just another way of continuing to make excuses and procrastinating or stalling longer on the things you know you need to change in your life. It’s another way of saying, I don’t really want to make this change. I’m not serious about it. If you truly WANT the change, the time of day, week, month, or year would be of no consequence. Your time here on earth is finite. And even more than that, you don’t know when your time will run out. What if you don’t make it to the new year?

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Why it serves you to do a year-end review

Why it serves you to do a year-end review

Most businesses are familiar with year-end reviews. However, I’m also an advocate for a personal year-end review. I first learned about the idea of a personal year-end review from Sarah Peck. And what I appreciate about her approach is that it is not simply about going through your list of goals to identify which ones you hit and which ones you failed to hit. No, rather a year-end review is a slowed down, deep reflection about your year. It's an invitation to identify what you celebrate about this year, what you are most proud of, what you've learnt, and how you've grown over the last year. Looking back over your year also helps you put into perspective the year ahead and where you want to focus your energy in the year ahead. I will share two methods here with you for doing your personal year-end review.

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Self-care is Soul care

Self-care is Soul care

At our deepest soul level, we all yearn to be seen and heard. We all yearn to love and to be loved; to understand and to be understood by others. These core needs cannot be fulfilled by accumulating consumer goods or gorging on different forms of frivolous entertainment, or even through comfort or leisure. In fact, some of our deepest soul needs are fed by being in the discomfort of our lives, by stretching ourselves further than we thought possible, by challenging ourselves, and by inviting those around us to also show up better. And this is also where a lot of confusion seeps in when we start talking about self-care, because people sometimes confuse self-care for leisure, or self-indulgence, or pampering yourself. And real deep self-care is NOT that.

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Living one day at a time

Living one day at a time

If you had to know how your entire life would unfold in advance, it would simply take the joy out of living. It would turn you into a passenger in your own life story, since you would simply be waiting for the events you know will happen, to unfold as predetermined. So, the fact that the years of your life don’t all arrive at once, but greets you day by day, is such a gift. It provides the opportunity for agency and mystery. With the descent of each setting sun, we can rest our heads and let the world take care of itself for a while. We go to sleep at night, knowing, or perhaps hoping (because who really knows if we will get to greet another day) that the dawn will bring with it a chance to meet our lives anew.

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You don’t need to burn out to succeed

You don’t need to burn out to succeed

Susan David highlights that success — in life, in work, in creative pursuits — is often synonymous with keeping our noses to the grindstone as we rack up the requisite 10 000 hours of mastery that Malcolm Gladwell popularised. There are many reasons to celebrate grit. The things we value most in life, like meaningful relationships, and pursuing work that matter to us, or building the requisite skill to thrive in life and work, those things require commitment and persistence to get you through challenging times. Sometimes persisting even when faced with failure and disappointment, delivers incredible results in terms of innovation or personal growth and transformation. However, despite its many virtues, it is possible to overvalue grittiness. Susan David postulates that the self-awareness to know when to quit is just as important as the discipline to hold on and grit your way through. There are times in your life, when perseverance doesn’t lead to you thriving, but instead to you burning out. Perseverance is a necessary ingredient for human thriving, but we must be thoughtful about what we’re persevering at and why.

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The Magic in Dandelions

The Magic in Dandelions

About a year ago, I wrote an article about chasing Dandelions after watching a TED Talk by Dewitt Jones. Dewitt is a photographer for the National Geographic and openly declares it to be the greatest job in the world... I listened to Dewitt’s talk, mesmerised, and inspired. Before hearing his story, I did not take much notice of Dandelions. However, I have since come to appreciate this little flower for a couple of reasons. I will share them here.

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It starts with gratitude…

It starts with gratitude…

In December of 2017, my little family and I immigrated from South Africa to Canada. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. To get myself through my first year in a foreign country, I accepted a gratitude challenge from a friend. I reasoned that “forcing” myself to find something I’m grateful for every day for a year would help me focus on what is good in my life, instead of on what is “wrong” with my life. I committed to sharing a daily gratitude post on Facebook. Somehow sharing it publicly made it more real, and I felt accountable to continue the practice every day. There were some hard days where I really felt I wanted to give up the practice. Having made the commitment to share a daily post about what I’m grateful for however, meant I would continue to honour my commitment to myself. 365 days of gratitude turned out to be the most transformational thing I could have done that year.

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How to create a good day

How to create a good day

A powerful coaching question I often pose to clients is “What does your ideal day look like?” or “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” This is one way to get someone to think about what they would like their life to look like day by day, or to consciously think about how they would want to create their life one day at a time. Some clients can immediately describe their perfect day. Some clients don’t actually know what would constitute a perfect day for them; usually because they’ve never been confronted with that question before. It’s so easy to simply live on autopilot, that so many of us do it without even realising. Worse still, is you tell yourself that you can’t take time out from your busy schedules to think about what you actually want. But think about it, if you don’t know what you want and you don’t actually know whether you are truly happy and fulfilled, where are you going then? What are you chasing?

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Cultivating an intrinsic sense of happiness and wellbeing

Cultivating an intrinsic sense of happiness and wellbeing

Recently, Daniel Goleman shared in his newsletter, his ideas on happiness. He explains that there is a difference between the kind of happiness that depends on what happens to us on any particular day, and a deeper sense of joy or satisfaction that comes from within. The first can easily take a dive whenever there’s adversity. Any negative situation can cause us to fall out of happiness – e.g., a global pandemic and a time of lockdown, economic recession, natural disasters, etc. And let’s face it, bad things happen often, so if our sense of joy and fulfillment depends on factors outside of ourselves, we have basically elected to ride an emotional roller coaster every day. The second form of happiness offers a sort of inoculation against these ups and downs. Goleman refers to it as being “happy for no reason.” Some would probably equate it to a type of Stoicism where you are unaffected by anything that happens outside of yourself. I have spent some time thinking about this and even though I agree with Goleman that cultivating an inner state of happiness or wellbeing is preferable, I do want to clarify some misconceptions about what that means or what it should look like. Cultivating inner joy does not mean that you are unaffected by what happens outside of you. It simply means that you have a stable base to return to and that you have accepted certain truths in life and no longer push against those truths. I would like to discuss some of these truths to help you, dear reader, navigate this landscape of cultivating a sense of inner wellbeing.

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Embracing the Winter of the Mind

Embracing the Winter of the Mind

All my years living in South Africa, I had complained about cold winters. It wasn’t until I moved to Canada that I realised that your perception of what a cold winter is, depends very much on where you live in the world. Experiencing the winters here in Canada made me realise that it was never really that cold in South Africa. It just felt that way, because what I had been used to was extreme, dry heat in summer. So, consequently the switchover to cooler weather felt dramatic. Compared to the weather in Canada, the average winter’s day in South Africa feels about the same as the average spring day in Canada. In fact, sometimes winter in South Africa is warmer than spring here in Canada. It also wasn’t until I lived in Canada that I understood how cold and darkness can affect your mood. I had heard about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), but I wasn’t always sure if it was real, or whether people were just using the weather as an excuse to be unproductive. I had underestimated what a lack of sunshine can do to your psyche.

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The true meaning of Resilience

The true meaning of Resilience

A few months ago, I wrote about how to cultivate resilience. Although most of what I shared in that article is true, I do feel like I need to expand on the idea of resilience a bit. I recently completed my training as a Certified Resilience Coach through the Leadership Wellness Group in Canada. Most of what I learned in the program, was not new to me. I’ve worked with these concepts and ideas for many years – especially during my time as a university lecturer, specialising in Organisational Behaviour and Organisational Wellness. Now, working as a coach, this knowledge has served me well in supporting my clients in cultivating their own resilience. I think the main way in which my thinking about resilience has changed, is in how I talk to my clients about it. People often mistakenly think that resilience is a character or personality trait or that overcoming difficult situations or circumstances, makes you resilient. However, I have realised two important things about resilience. Firstly, resilience is not a personality trait that some people possess, and others don’t. Resilience – just like emotional agility or mental agility – can be learned. And secondly, it’s not overcoming difficult situations or circumstances that makes you resilient. In fact, it’s the other way around, it’s if and when you are resilient that you are able to overcome challenges or difficult situations. Let me explain.

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Partnering with you Calendar: Schedule your Big Rocks first

Partnering with you Calendar: Schedule your Big Rocks first

A feature of our modern lifestyles is busyness. It’s become a marker of how successful and productive we are. If you aren’t busy, then you are obviously not productive and possibly also not very successful. We’ve bought into this false belief that success requires us to be busy all the time. Consequently, I have clients who tell my they feel guilty when they slow down, take a break, or don’t have something to do. And I must admit that I myself have at times felt that I need to be busy. I’m a dynamic person. I like to stay busy and I find it hard to relax, slow down, or do nothing. I am productive and I do get a lot done, but it’s not because I stay busy just for the sake of being busy. It’s because I discovered a secret of time management years ago that servers me to this day. Once I started applying this secret to my life, I could never go back. It has freed me from a need to overschedule or overburden myself. When I schedule my time, I do it with conscious intention and clarity about what truly matters and what I WANT to be spending my time on.

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Expanding your definition of Mindfulness

Expanding your definition of Mindfulness

I recently read an article on Medium by Chloé Milne, where she shared how on a flight from Melbourne to Hong Kong, she lost faith in the practice of formal meditation to manage her anxiety. After trying to practice meditation and mindfulness for a couple of hours with simply no effect on how much anxiety she was experiencing during the flight, she replaced her meditation practice with a form of laughter therapy by watching a funny movie instead. In her article she shares the consequent insights she gained since that experience on the value of laughter as a way to quiet the incessant fear and anxiety she was experiencing, and to return to mindfulness. Milne’s story got me thinking about the practice of mindfulness. It has been a buzzword for the last two decades, and although many people are actively seeking to be more mindful, or trying out different mindfulness practices, it’s almost as if we don’t really have a clear understanding of what mindfulness actually is. We tend to cling to very narrow definitions of the concept that lead us to believe that mindfulness can only be achieved through meditation, deep breathing exercises, practicing yoga, or journaling. The problem with this narrow way of defining the practice of mindfulness, is that we can limit our range of experience or sometimes completely exclude ourselves from experiencing what mindfulness is.

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Chasing Dandelions

Chasing Dandelions

It’s so easy to look at a situation and see the problem. In fact, we are conditioned to look for problems and people are often also paid handsomely to solve problems. There are psychologists who reason that problem-solving is a critical survival skill. We anticipate problems, so we can deal with them before they threaten our survival. Problem-solving is at the core of human evolution. It is how we understand what is happening in our environment, identify things we want to change, and then figure out the things that need to be done to create the desired outcome. It could also be argued that problem-solving is the source of all new inventions, and the basis for market-based economies. However, always looking for a problem, could also detract from our ability to see what’s good about a situation. It could rob us of our present-moment awareness and detract from our overall level of joy. I’m not saying we should let go of our desire to solve problems. However, I am advocating for a different perspective when we are looking for solutions. It’s as if we have been conditioned into problem-solving mode so much, that we now see everything as a problem – even people.

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Lessons from the womb

Lessons from the womb

In the early months of pregnancy, there is so much that you wonder and worry about. Will the baby be healthy? Is it a boy or a girl? Is the baby moving? What are my birthing options? Do we need to start thinking about names? The list goes on. Amidst a global pandemic you have even more items of worry to add to your list. Will it be safe to have the baby in hospital? Will I have support during the birth? Am I at risk of getting sick? Will the baby get sick? While you are fretting and making plans on the outside; anticipating everything that could go wrong and everything you need to plan for – a baby room, clothes, maternity or newborn photos etc. – the little being inside you is happily going about his/her biggest job, which is to grow. Inside the womb, oblivious to all that is happening in the outside world, this little person is doing the one thing that he/she can do – growing and evolving, going about the business of being alive. It takes no effort, it simply is. With no outside influence, your baby has no preconceived ideas or expectations. Your baby is not comparing him/herself to another baby or worried about how much or how little progress he/she is making. They are simply doing what they feel compelled by nature to do – grow.

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The gift in slowing down: Reduce stress and access your innate mental health

The gift in slowing down: Reduce stress and access your innate mental health

Since reading Slowing Down to the Speed of Life: How to create a more peaceful, simpler life from the inside out, I have a different perspective on stress and mental health. As I explained in a previous post, Richard Carlson and Joseph Baily define true mental health as the ability to engage in free-flow thinking. They reason that we all have the capacity for positive mental health, but that as adults we are socialised into the busy mindsets of Western culture and then we become serious, analytical, stressed, depressed and unimaginative. Beginning at age five or six, and then steadily progressing into adulthood, our mental health keeps declining. However, we have a natural ability to recover our mental health. It’s only because we lack the understanding of how our thinking works, that we feel unable to recover our mental health. Slowing down to the speed of life allows us to notice aspects of life that were previously hidden in the frenzy of a busy mind. Beneath the vicissitudes of thought, lies a spaciousness, a peacefulness of being that is incomprehensible to a mind caught in analytical thinking. When our minds aren’t racing from one thing to the next, we can gain access to our innate mental health. It’s always there. We can’t actually lose it. We just need to be willing to let go of our insistence on spinning our wheels in analytical thinking mode.

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Slowing down to the speed of life

Slowing down to the speed of life

I recently read Slowing Down to the Speed of Life: How to create a more peaceful, simpler life from the inside out and became acquainted with the idea of slowing down your thinking to the pace of life with the intention of reducing stress and experiencing more joy in your life. For the most striking example of living naturally in the moment, just look at young children. They are full of life, running around and playing with their friends. They turn from one activity to the next with endless enthusiasm. Games of hide-and-seek become an opportunity for unlimited imagination, exploration and curiosity. They don’t get bored or tired of being in the moment. Most children have enormous amounts of energy and are unconditionally loving. They make adults envy their innocent and uncontaminated approach to life.

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Slow Down to Speed Up

Slow Down to Speed Up

A few years ago, I worked for an executive search firm. My boss used to tell me often “slow down to speed up”. At the time, I don’t think I really understood what he meant by that. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always rushed to the next thing and the next thing. It was a key theme of my life – chasing the next thing; and never pausing long enough to celebrate, take in, or notice what was happening in the now. When I was doing my master’s, I embarked on a spiritual journey to discover the power of now. And even though I had brief moments of being present, I still inevitably got caught in the cycle of running from one thing to the next. Then, at the end of 2017, we immigrated to Canada and suddenly everything I knew, loved and sometimes took for granted, fell away in an instant. I was faced with the uncertainty of what lay ahead with no clear plan on how I would “chase the next thing”. I was forced to slow down and to really look at my life. And it was hard.

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