Will you be inviting the P Twins over for dinner this holiday?

Recently a client shared with me how stressful she finds the holidays. I invited her to tell me more and she shared that she tends to go into overdrive during the holidays. She wants everything to be perfect, and that usually means that she refuses to accept any help. She also finds that she turns into a control freak and people tend to avoid being around her when she is preparing for the holidays.

We slowed it down and I asked her what has her feeling so stressed and pushing so hard. She said, “unrealistic expectations of perfection”. I asked her who is placing these expectations upon her. My client is very self-aware, so she immediately recognised that she was placing these expectations on herself. No-one else was asking her to do all the things she commits herself to doing during the holiday season. She was doing this to herself… […]

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Living Large: A tribute to Jeremy Mansfield

A few weeks ago, I wrote about taking up more space and what that might look like. Today I want to talk about a real-life example of that. Back home in South Africa, Jeremy Mansfield was a radio announcer and television presenter. He passed away recently from cancer. To me he was a living example of what it looks like when someone takes up more space. […]

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Reflections on love and belonging

During my second year in Canada, just before I decided to become a coach, I had a conversation with a coach about life purpose. In the coaching model she was trained in, they were taught to narrow down your life purpose to ONE word that summarises what you are all about or what you are trying to create in your lifetime. A one-word life purpose sounded absurd to me. Could you really narrow it down to just one word? And of course, I was surprised when she shared what she thought my life purpose was. She observed that it sounded like mine was connection. I’ve discovered two things since then… […]

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Redefining Compassion

During a specific phase of my PhD research, I conducted interviews with participants. One of the questions I would ask interviewees was, “What does compassion mean to you?” I would then follow up that question with a second question, “How do you demonstrate compassion in your own life?”

The aim was to get a sense of what compassion really means to people and how they live compassion in their daily lives. The Oxford Dictionary defines compassion as, “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.”

For me personally, that definition feels too narrow. It invites us to feel pity or concern for someone. It evokes within us this sense of feeling sorry for someone about what they are going through. And yet, pity falls short of what is needed. It simply levels compassion akin to sympathy, when my sense is that what is really needed is far more than just feeling sorry for someone. […]

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Dreams are for losers

I want to speak to you about a commencement speech Shonda Rhimes gave at her alma mater Dartmouth College in 2014, where she said this simple yet striking line: “Dreams are for losers”. Yes, you heard that right, she said dreams are for losers. She goes on to explain why. At almost every commencement speech someone will tell the graduates to go follow their dreams, or to never stop dreaming. And what Shonda says is that isn’t helpful advice. It won’t actually help you succeed, because dreamers aren’t successful… […]

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The secret to becoming an adult is to embrace your inner child

Recently, I wrote about how most of us are beating up on ourselves for not knowing how to be adults. I shared that life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, so none of us really know what it means to be an adult. We are all trying to figure it out. In Elizabeth Benton’s incredible book, Chasing Cupcakes, she talks about how to take responsibility and create the life that you want, and she essentially shares two rules for adulting. […]

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What if fear is not a bad thing?

The other day I was helping a client work through a lot of fear and anxiety she was feeling. The way she was relating to fear was that it was a bad thing and that she shouldn’t feel so scared. And so often we do that, right? We resist the fear, telling ourselves that we shouldn’t be fearful. Yet, what we resist persists. So, the more we try and ignore our fear, the bigger it seems to get. Eventually it’s like this dark looming cloud.

Susan David says, “real courage is not fearlessness, it’s fear walking”. And she has a point. However, have you ever considered WHY you experience fear in the first place? […]

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You are the seed of your future self

In conversation with my coach the other day, she said two things that stuck with me. She said, “You are your future self. Whoever you will become, you are already her. She lives inside of you.” And she also reflected that flowers don’t just burst open and start blooming, they blossom slowly.

I had to think long and hard about this. What she said hit hard. […]

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Love is an action

I find it so strange that we live in a world where we have commercialised everything to the point that even the most important things in our lives can lose their meaning and significance. I have always found the idea of Valentine’s Day a little absurd since love cannot be bought or sold. Love is not a commodity. And creating a day where we remind people of their own loneliness, disconnection, and insecurities seems like the opposite of loving to me. It seems almost cruel.

I’m not saying don’t appreciate your significant other, but I am questioning why you need a reminder to do that, or why they only get to be seen and celebrated on ONE day of the year.

Love isn’t a feeling either. The feeling you feel when you say that you are in love, is infatuation, desire, or lust. But love, real love is an ACT. Love is a way of being in the world. It’s the opposite of judgement. When I choose to show up in loving, I’m choosing to suspend judgement and to truly see the essence of the person in front of me. […]

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What if rejection is redirection?

We’ve all been there. You ask out that person that you can’t get out of your mind, and they say no. You apply for that dream job, and it’s a no. You apply for a loan, or make an offer on a new house, or negotiate on a car, and it’s a no. You send in a proposal, apply to the university you would love to get into, send in an article to a big publication, and they say no. Rejection. It’s stings. Sometimes, it deflates you so much that you simply want to give up.

None of us get through life without being rejected along the way. For some, the rejection may have started early in life. You may have felt rejected by your parents, or your family, or your friends. For others, they are so used to getting a yes to everything they ask for, that the first rejection floors them completely.

When I started working with my coach, she introduced me to Steve Chandler’s work. Something he says often is, “yes lives in the land of no”… […]

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