A few weeks ago, in conversation with a client, she asked a powerful question: How do I know what my truth is? The answer to that question is multi-layered. Here’s why…
There are two kinds of truth we might be experiencing at any one time. There is our Ego’s truth, which usually feels like fears, worries, shoulds, concerns, and judgments. And then there is the truth of our Higher / Wiser Self, which is the truth we see and understand when we slow down to the speed of life, and we listen – listen to our bodies, listen to our hearts, listen to our intuition, and to our own sense of what we are longing for.
Our Ego has a truth that is based in past experiences, beliefs, and fears. Your Ego isn’t wrong. From the perspective of the Ego, whatever it fears, is true, is of real concern. Shirzad Chamine often says, the other person is at least ten percent right, and I want to extend that comment to include that our Ego or Fear-based Self is at least ten percent right. We won’t know which part of the story is the ten percent that is true, unless we are willing to slow down and get curious about what’s occurring for us.
Our Higher / Wiser Self carries the bigger truth of what we truly want, what would make us feel fulfilled, and what matters most to us. And often the noise of the outside world and constant chatter of our Ego is so loud, that we are unable to hear our Higher Self’s wisdom.
So, the answer to that question, depends on where you are starting. When I started working with my coach, I did not have access to my own Higher / Wiser Self, except for moments of crisis. Interestingly, my gut instinct has always been strong, and ignoring my gut instinct usually came at a cost. So, when it came to important decisions, I would make those decisions based on my gut, oftentimes unable to logically or rationally explain why I knew something or why I had made the choice that I had. And yet, my gut never steered me in the wrong direction.
Over the past six years, I have learnt to connect more with my Higher / Wiser Self outside of moments of crisis. I wanted to be able to tap into my inner wisdom even in those quieter, more joyous moments in life. I wish I could tell you that it was an easy process, but it has not been easy – hence why it has taken me this long. If we carry a lot of unresolved trauma, we might find it hard to access our inner wisdom, because it gets buried under layers of fear, misunderstanding, and false beliefs. So, a significant part of being able to hear our own inner wisdom more clearly, includes healing the trauma that blocks us from hearing our truth, and that has taken me years. I am still in the process of healing some of it, and yet, I’m much more attuned to my own intuition and to Life’s guidance than I have ever been.
Another block to hearing our inner wisdom is conditioning, and unspoken expectations. We have all been conditioned, and we all hold on to beliefs or stories that are simply not true, but feel true to us, based on our experiences and the meaning we attached to those experiences. I find that for some of us – especially women – the conditioning can be so deep, that we really believe that we are following our own truth, only to discover that what we had been following was deep cultural, generational, and societal conditioning instead.
Anything that brings up guilt or a sense of responsibility, is something worth slowing down on, because when you slow down, you will often discover that the thing that felt so important and so true, is actually a should running your life. Guilt blocks us from actually feeling our real feelings about the issue. It steers us away from our authentic truth, and often even creates a feeling of shame about the truth we are feeling, because we think we should not be feeling that.
If you are a people pleaser, and/or you drop into the merging pattern, when you feel threatened or unsafe, then you might automatically and unconsciously dismiss your own truth simply out of habit, and because what has kept you safe over the years has been to squash your own truth and acquiesce to what someone else wants. However, long term squashing of one’s own truth can often lead to resentment, anger, frustration, confusion, and even a loss of identity, where you go through life not sure of who you really are.
At the start of this year, my coach and I created a new project for 2025. The project involved me seeing myself – my authentic self – more, and letting her be seen by others. It involved standing more firmly in who I know I am, even if that makes others uncomfortable. This project was daunting to say the least. And part of the project included a professional photo shoot and rebranding – I will share more about this experience in a future article. For now, what I want to highlight, is how Life meets us in the very thing we want to grow or learn.
Life forced me into seeing myself in ways I could not have planned for – through my father’s sudden illness and death. When I received the news that he was terminally ill, it was if things became crystal clear. For the first time, in a very long time, I had no trouble discerning between what was most important, and what was frivolous or unnecessary. I had no trouble identifying what would be of most critical value and non-negotiable during my time in South Africa, and what would be cancelled, or rescheduled, or simply not even entertained for one second.
My Authentic Self rose up strong, and fierce, loving, and committed. She was intentional. She was brave. She was compassionate. She was a rock that others could lean on. She was firm in her knowing of what mattered most. She was not afraid to ask for what she needed. She was not afraid to have boundaries, and honour those boundaries. There was a single-minded focus – i.e., be with him in his final days, show up fully loving and compassionate, respect and honour his wishes, stay present, and do not let frivolous distractions or arguments pull me away from being present.
Did I have moments where I doubted myself? Of course. And that’s why I had support. My conversations with my therapist and coach during that time were non-negotiable self-care practices. Time alone by myself was non-negotiable, because I needed to think clearly, and hear my own truth.
And when it mattered, I could show up, and I was rock solid. I saw a version of me, that I sort of knew lived inside of me, but I have never really seen her the way I saw her now. She was infinite compassion and forgiveness. She was courage in the face of uncertainty. She was grounded and loving presence. She was fiercely loving, and committed. She was a bitch when she needed to be. She was not afraid to speak the hard truths, and to speak it with love and compassion. She was vulnerable and open. She was determined. And she was someone who could lead through a crisis. She could make difficult decisions and trust herself to follow through on those difficult decisions. She did not need anyone to hold her hand, or show her the way, because she trusted her own instincts without feeling like she had all the answers, or like she could do it all herself. She let herself be loved and supported. She asked for help when she needed it. She was clear in her requests, and she trusted others to show up.
When faced with our own mortality, or when faced with severe loss, we often meet ourselves in ways we have not done before. It’s like the veil of confusion and self-doubt is lifted, and suddenly there you are – the real authentic, raw you. And you see yourself without all the judgements, expectations, shoulds, and pleasantries of every-day life. You just meet the uncut you. And you either like what you find, or you discover how much you are disconnected from that version of you. Either way, you discover what matters most.
You discover what you are willing to take a stand for and what you are not willing to take a stand for. You discover what you values look like when they are determined by YOU and not run through the filter of societal expectations and pressures. You discover your unique strengths and gifts. The question is, will you rise to meet yourself there, or will you deny your Authentic Self?
So, dear reader, if you did not care what others thought of you, if you could suspend the expectations that either you or society are putting on you, if you could not get it wrong, what would you start doing that you have been afraid to do? What would you stop doing, because it’s not really aligned for you, and you know you are doing it out of guilt or obligation? Who would you be, if you knew that your Authentic Self was what the situation or the moment required?