It’s OK if you are NOT OK

A minor car accident a month ago was a wake-up call for me. It made me pause and had me face the truth of where I am right now. It’s been seven months since my father’s passing. Since then, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law have all been ill this year. And the day before my birthday, my aunt passed away. I have felt myself reeling with shock and confusion over the past eight weeks. I wish I could tell you that I was wise and calm during these intense weeks, but I have not been wise and calm. Far from it. I have fallen into old defensive patterns in a futile attempt to make myself feel safe…

In this season of life, Life is wanting me to put down some of these over-used (and no longer useful) patterns that have served me well in the past, but that are no longer aligned with who I am now. As I reflect back on March, when I had struggled to convince my father to slow down and rest, and as I watched him push himself even harder and stay in denial about his illness and his failing body, I saw myself in my father, and told my coach that I was committed to no longer doing that to myself.

I watched with horror, grief, dismay, and such deep compassion as my father kept trying to do his way out of dying, and I got it. I really did, because I have spent years of my life doing my way out of difficult situations and conundrums. Doing is all I knew. Doing everything right, and figuring out what “the best way” was to do something, became something I could anchor into in those moments when I felt lost.

I trusted myself to figure out what the best course of action would be. I trusted myself to get shit done. I trusted that I could follow through. And yet, I did not trust my own presence, my own knowing, my own bodily wisdom. I had learnt how to shut that down, and how to push past the uncomfortable feelings. Ironically, seven months down the line, my own lies have caught up with me, and I find myself doing exactly what my father did in his final weeks. I have been pushing through, getting shit done. I had been trying to convince myself that doing more would help me feel better, and I have been unwilling to put anything down, despite my coach’s gentle and persistent nudging to do so.

Until she asked me whether things had to get worse before I was willing to listen. I didn’t know if I could handle any more. My heart is exhausted from carrying so much for so many, and my body is letting me know in very real ways that I can no longer ignore. When Life keeps trying to get us to listen, and we won’t, often our bodies will intervene…

The accident was my wake-up call to stop. Stop trying to do more. Stop trying to do my way out of this grief and this fear. Stop trying to fix everything. It was an invitation to look at my compulsive perfectionism, and over-functioning and see it for what it really is – a way that I’m trying to stay safe in a world that doesn’t feel safe right now.

Why am I sharing all this with you? For two reasons. First, to let you know that I’m human. I’m not perfect. I have my own patterns of behaviour that don’t serve me. I have my own fears and judgments of myself. So, if you have ever watched yourself doing something you have promised yourself you would stop doing, and gotten frustrated with yourself, wondering what was wrong with you, I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are human.

We humans seek safety. We are wired for it, and we will fall into patterns that have helped us stay safe in the past, even if they no longer serve us now. Recognizing that, noticing when we fall into the pattern, and showing ourselves compassion, is the first step towards healing the wound that caused the pattern in the first place. And it might require that you keep coming back to self-compassion a couple of times, and acknowledge the pain from this pattern a few times, before it can be fully healed.

You can’t unknow what you know, so once you recognize the pattern, you cannot unsee it. Awareness is the first step, because we cannot change something we are not aware of. Once we have awareness, we can choose how we are going to be with ourselves when the pattern inevitably shows up. How you choose to be with yourself determines whether the pattern gets reinforced or healed. Healing requires compassion and the courage to make a different choice in the moment when my brain wants me to re-engage with the familiar pattern.

The second reason why I’m sharing this with you is to invite you to consider what season of life you are currently in. I’ve noticed over the past few months that many of us are not ok right now. I’ve had conversations with clients and colleagues who have shared with me that they feel exhausted. It feels like for many, 2025 has been the year of exhaustion and overwhelm. And it’s not surprising. There is so much going on in the world right now.

Sometimes we energetically pick up the worry and concern related to these external events, without even realizing that we are doing it. I certainly have been carrying so much energetically and emotionally – feeling like I was responsible for the outcomes of my loved ones and clients. The truth is, I’m not. And unfortunately, my brain doesn’t know that. I must remind myself that it’s not all mine to carry, and that I’m allowed to put down what isn’t mine.

Now, for someone who has a habit of overdoing and overextending, that feels harder than it sounds, because I often pick up things without even realizing it. Terri Cole’s most recent book, Too Much, has been very helpful in understanding myself better, and recognizing why I over-function. For me, overfunctioning came down to survival in childhood, and then it became the way I tried to earn love and approval all throughout my life.

I’m committed to breaking this cycle, because it no longer serves me. I have come a long way in understanding that my worth is not determined by what I do, or by how much I can win other people’s approval at the expense of my own wellbeing. I’m worthy of love, care, and compassion right now, even if my Inner Critic is telling me that I have not earned the right to rest or show myself compassion.

If you are currently feeling like you are carrying a lot, or you are simply exhausted, and you are not even sure why, I want to share a very simple – and yet profound – exercise that I have found helpful over the past few months to help me ground back into reality. Make a list.

If you feel off-centre, over-extended, exhausted, overwhelmed, intensely emotional or sad, or simply uninspired or grumpy, and you are not sure why you are feeling this way, or you are someone who tends to minimize how much you are picking up or holding, then make a list of all the things you are carrying right now. The list should include both physical things you are doing, as well as things that are taking up mental and emotional bandwidth in your brain. Include in the list events that have created grief, shock, or confusion for you. And include anything you think you might have picked up energetically – like worrying about a sick parent, or the ongoing wars in Ukraine and the Israel-Gaza war, or the political chaos in your country, or anything else that you lie awake about, or tend to chew on without even realizing it.

I have found making a list so helpful in being honest with myself about why I feel off-centre, why I feel so overwhelmed, why I feel so exhausted. The list reminds me that I’m not crazy. I’m in survival mode.

And if, dear reader, you discover that your list is long, and you are currently overdoing, or operating in survival mode, I want to let you know that it’s ok to not be ok right now. There is nothing wrong with being in survival mode. One of the misunderstandings we tend to step into, is the false belief that everything is supposed to go well, and that we are supposed to be happy, and that when “bad” things happen, we are doing something wrong. That is not accurate.

Life isn’t always supposed to go our way. There are different seasons to life, and each season brings with it a different opportunity. If we are willing to embrace the season we are in, we can choose with intention and care the steps we want to take to take care of ourselves, reground, come back to our centre, and decide who we want to be during this season of life.

True ownership or leadership is choosing our response in times when things are not going our way. It’s easy to thrive or do great things when things are going well, and we feel fully resourced. It’s character-shaping when we can make the choice to re-center, resource, and thrive when things are not going our way, or life is presenting us with a difficult challenge. The magic lies in the moments when we choose who we are going to be, even if our life is currently a shitstorm.