Values Archives - Page 3 of 4 - Chantal Breytenbach Coaching

Two ways of being with disappointment

How we respond to disappointment is often influenced by our upbringing and the beliefs we’ve internalised about how much control we have in life. According to Manfred Kets de Vries, the way we choose to handle disappointment is strongly related to our developmental history — our relationship with our parents and other early, formative experiences. What I want to share here today, is two different ways of being in the world and how they affect how we deal with disappointment when others let us down.

The two ways of being in the world and in relationship with others is either being an underachiever (i.e., having low or no expectations), or being an overachiever (i.e., having unreasonably high expectations). […]

Using disappointment as a catalyst for inspiration

Posted on December 12, 2021By ChantalPosted in Decision-Making / Emotional Agility / Failure / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Perspective / Resilience / Thinking / Transformation / Values1 Comment

In life, disappointments are inevitable, because of the simple fact that we don’t control everything that happens in life. How you choose to deal with disappointments in your life, can become a defining moment for you.

In his thought-provoking article on Dealing with Disappointment, Manfred Kets de Vries postulates that expectations lie at the root of all heartache and disappointment. Think about it, would you be disappointment about something if you didn’t have any expectations about how it was supposed to be? Your disappointment stems from the fact that what you had imagined or hoped would happen, did not align with what transpired in reality. It’s like Brad Warner says, disappointment is what you feel “when your brain is trying to readjust itself to reality after discovering that things are not the way you thought they were”.

Some disappointments are insignificant in the larger view of your life. They are easily filtered out by asking yourself the question, “will this matter a year from now?” If the answer is no, simply let it go.

However, some disappointments can change the course of your life. They can become character defining moments. You see, it doesn’t matter that you feel disappointment. It only matters how you choose to deal with your disappointment as you take the next step forward. […]

Thriving in life requires both differentiation and integration

Posted on August 30, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Decision-Making / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Purpose / Thriving / Values

I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what is required to not merely survive but to truly thrive in life. I remember reading a thought-provoking article by Zat Rana about a year ago, where he reasoned that there are two states of being in this world: surviving and thriving. To survive is to live in a way that “limits downsides, to eliminate the risk of ruin. It means fulfilling our basic need for food and shelter and companionship”. Thriving, on the other hand, is different. It’s an attempt to transcend this basic state of existence not out of fear, but out of desire and yearning for growth and learning…

When we live in a state of survival, our actions are motivated by fear. We want to avoid pain…

The fortunate situation we find ourselves in today, also poses a different challenge; the challenge to self-actualise and move beyond mere survival to find ways to truly thrive beyond the physical realm. We are presented with opportunities to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We have an innate need to satisfy the requirements of survival, yes, but we also have a deeper desire to make something of ourselves beyond that, so we can thrive in the world. […]

Become a Cycle Breaker

Posted on August 30, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Decision-Making / Emotional Agility / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Passion / Perspective / Purpose / Resilience / Self-care / Story Matters / Transformation / Values

One of the most important lessons I’ve learnt in my time working with my coach, is to appreciate that things in my life happen FOR me, not TO me. Everything in your life can be used for your growth and learning. EVERYTHING. Even the things that seem insignificant. And most especially the things that cause you the most frustration and heartache.

I feel compelled to share something vulnerable with you here. Healing from abuse, neglect, trauma, and violence is never easy. Sometimes it requires heroic effort to not fall into self-destructive patterns. It requires self-awareness, a deep inner knowing that things can and will be better, and that you are capable of change. It requires committed effort to learning, growing, healing, forgiving, and to never stop trying. […]

Fierce loving and Emotional agility

Posted on July 26, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Emotional Agility / Failure / Life / Meaning / Resilience / Self-care / Values

Traditionally, emotions were viewed as either good or bad. People actively work to avoid feeling any of the so-called “bad” emotions. And in some cultures, even the active expression of what could be considered “good” emotions is discouraged. In some cultures, if someone is overly enthusiastic or exuberant, they are told to quiet down or to stop over-reacting, or to behave.

Susan David, author of the ground-breaking book, Emotional Agility, believes that this traditional, black-and-white approach to emotions is too rigid. In her view a too rigid view of emotions limits our potential, gets us stuck, and could potentially be truly toxic; especially given the complexity of life we face every day. For this reason, she advocates for emotional agility if we are to truly thrive and remain resilient. […]

You don’t need to burn out to succeed

Posted on May 31, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Failure / Grit / In the muck / Meaning / Mindfulness / Mindset / Passion / Perspective / Resilience / Self-care / Slow down / Values

Susan David highlights that success — in life, in work, in creative pursuits — is often synonymous with keeping our noses to the grindstone as we rack up the requisite 10 000 hours of mastery that Malcolm Gladwell popularised.

There are many reasons to celebrate grit. The things we value most in life, like meaningful relationships, and pursuing work that matter to us, or building the requisite skill to thrive in life and work, those things require commitment and persistence to get you through challenging times. Sometimes persisting even when faced with failure and disappointment, delivers incredible results in terms of innovation or personal growth and transformation.

However, despite its many virtues, it is possible to overvalue grittiness. Susan David postulates that the self-awareness to know when to quit is just as important as the discipline to hold on and grit your way through. There are times in your life, when perseverance doesn’t lead to you thriving, but instead to you burning out. Perseverance is a necessary ingredient for human thriving, but we must be thoughtful about what we’re persevering at and why. […]

How to create a good day

Posted on April 8, 2021By ChantalPosted in Coaching / Courage / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindfulness / Mindset / Perspective / Self-care / Slow down / Time management / Transformation / Values

A powerful coaching question I often pose to clients is “What does your ideal day look like?” or “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” This is one way to get someone to think about what they would like their life to look like day by day, or to consciously think about how they would want to create their life one day at a time.

Some clients can immediately describe their perfect day. Some clients don’t actually know what would constitute a perfect day for them; usually because they’ve never been confronted with that question before. It’s so easy to simply live on autopilot, that so many of us do it without even realising. Worse still, is you tell yourself that you can’t take time out from your busy schedules to think about what you actually want.

But think about it, if you don’t know what you want and you don’t actually know whether you are truly happy and fulfilled, where are you going then? What are you chasing? […]

Cultivating an intrinsic sense of happiness and wellbeing

Posted on March 5, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Happiness / Life / Meaning / Mindfulness / Mindset / Perspective / Slow down / Story Matters / Transformation / Uncategorized / Values

Recently, Daniel Goleman shared in his newsletter, his ideas on happiness. He explains that there is a difference between the kind of happiness that depends on what happens to us on any particular day, and a deeper sense of joy or satisfaction that comes from within. The first can easily take a dive whenever there’s adversity. Any negative situation can cause us to fall out of happiness – e.g., a global pandemic and a time of lockdown, economic recession, natural disasters, etc. And let’s face it, bad things happen often, so if our sense of joy and fulfillment depends on factors outside of ourselves, we have basically elected to ride an emotional roller coaster every day.

The second form of happiness offers a sort of inoculation against these ups and downs. Goleman refers to it as being “happy for no reason.” Some would probably equate it to a type of Stoicism where you are unaffected by anything that happens outside of yourself.

I have spent some time thinking about this and even though I agree with Goleman that cultivating an inner state of happiness or wellbeing is preferable, I do want to clarify some misconceptions about what that means or what it should look like. Cultivating inner joy does not mean that you are unaffected by what happens outside of you. It simply means that you have a stable base to return to and that you have accepted certain truths in life and no longer push against those truths. I would like to discuss some of these truths to help you, dear reader, navigate this landscape of cultivating a sense of inner wellbeing. […]

Setting resolutions of a different kind

Posted on January 2, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Decision-Making / Gratitude / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Perspective / Transformation / Values

The year 2020 was difficult and challenging in many ways. And many people were eager to say goodbye to it and to welcome 2021. I have always found it quite strange how people think that a clock striking midnight could fundamentally change their lives. You are still the same person you were one minute after midnight than one minute before midnight; unless some fundamental life-changing event transpired in the span of two minutes…

Why do we attach so much value to the countdown to a new year? We convince ourselves that we get to leave the past behind and start with a clean slate. We get to start over. Be better. Dream. Set goals. Go for it this time and really make the changes we say we want. In many ways waiting for the new year before setting those goals or making those changes, is just another way of making excuses and procrastinating or stalling on the things you know you need to change in your life. […]

The true meaning of Resilience

Posted on December 9, 2020By ChantalPosted in Courage / Failure / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindfulness / Mindset / Perspective / Resilience / Slow down / Transformation / Values

A few months ago, I wrote about how to cultivate resilience. Although most of what I shared in that article is true, I do feel like I need to expand on the idea of resilience a bit. I recently completed my training as a Certified Resilience Coach through the Leadership Wellness Group in Canada. Most of what I learned in the program, was not new to me. I’ve worked with these concepts and ideas for many years – especially during my time as a university lecturer, specialising in Organisational Behaviour and Organisational Wellness. Now, working as a coach, this knowledge has served me well in supporting my clients in cultivating their own resilience.

I think the main way in which my thinking about resilience has changed, is in how I talk to my clients about it. People often mistakenly think that resilience is a character or personality trait or that overcoming difficult situations or circumstances, makes you resilient. However, I have realised two important things about resilience. Firstly, resilience is not a personality trait that some people possess, and others don’t. Resilience – just like emotional agility or mental agility – can be learned. And secondly, it’s not overcoming difficult situations or circumstances that makes you resilient. In fact, it’s the other way around, it’s if and when you are resilient that you are able to overcome challenges or difficult situations. Let me explain. […]