Thinking Archives - Page 4 of 5 - Chantal Breytenbach Coaching

Two ways of being with disappointment

How we respond to disappointment is often influenced by our upbringing and the beliefs we’ve internalised about how much control we have in life. According to Manfred Kets de Vries, the way we choose to handle disappointment is strongly related to our developmental history — our relationship with our parents and other early, formative experiences. What I want to share here today, is two different ways of being in the world and how they affect how we deal with disappointment when others let us down.

The two ways of being in the world and in relationship with others is either being an underachiever (i.e., having low or no expectations), or being an overachiever (i.e., having unreasonably high expectations). […]

Using disappointment as a catalyst for inspiration

Posted on December 12, 2021By ChantalPosted in Decision-Making / Emotional Agility / Failure / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Perspective / Resilience / Thinking / Transformation / Values1 Comment

In life, disappointments are inevitable, because of the simple fact that we don’t control everything that happens in life. How you choose to deal with disappointments in your life, can become a defining moment for you.

In his thought-provoking article on Dealing with Disappointment, Manfred Kets de Vries postulates that expectations lie at the root of all heartache and disappointment. Think about it, would you be disappointment about something if you didn’t have any expectations about how it was supposed to be? Your disappointment stems from the fact that what you had imagined or hoped would happen, did not align with what transpired in reality. It’s like Brad Warner says, disappointment is what you feel “when your brain is trying to readjust itself to reality after discovering that things are not the way you thought they were”.

Some disappointments are insignificant in the larger view of your life. They are easily filtered out by asking yourself the question, “will this matter a year from now?” If the answer is no, simply let it go.

However, some disappointments can change the course of your life. They can become character defining moments. You see, it doesn’t matter that you feel disappointment. It only matters how you choose to deal with your disappointment as you take the next step forward. […]

Gratitude can rewire your brain

Posted on November 29, 2021By ChantalPosted in Emotional Agility / Gratitude / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Mindset / Perspective / Thinking / Thriving

I’m an advocate for living a life of gratitude. I truly believe gratitude creates the foundation of a joyful life. When we can truly appreciate that which is beautiful and good in our lives, it will multiply. And starting from a place of gratitude offers a strong springboard for creating more of what we want and appreciate in our lives.

No-one can create from a space of negativity, pessimism, or complacency. But a space of gratitude offers deep joy, deep awareness of what’s here, and the inspiration to think creatively about what’s possible. It doesn’t mean we ignore the pain and frustration; it simply helps us to put the pain into perspective.

Recently I read an article by Jessica Stillman, on three unexpected habits of exceptionally grateful people where she shares that there is a difference between merely giving thanks for the obvious things in your life, or occasionally reflecting on what you are grateful for, versus practicing deep gratitude regularly. When you live from a place of deep gratitude, you literally rewire your brain to start thinking in a different way. This can be deeply transformational, because you show up differently in your life as a result of it. […]

Live as if you are on the verge of death

Posted on October 31, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Gratitude / Happiness / Life / Meaning / Mindfulness / Perspective / Story Matters / Thinking

I’ve spent the last few weeks contemplating death. Now I know this might sound like quite a somber activity to be engaged in, and yet, it is not. You see, I’m not contemplating death in a suicidal way. I’m honouring death as a masterful teacher. It is as Michael Singer says in his book, The Untethered Soul, “It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of life, turns out to be death.”

And of course, living through a global pandemic means that all of us have been confronted with death in one form or another over the last two years. Yet, no person or situation could ever teach you as much as death has to teach you. […]

Embracing the change in seasons

Posted on September 13, 2021By ChantalPosted in Emotional Agility / Happiness / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Perspective / Story Matters / Thinking

Just as seasons change, our moods and emotions fluctuate. A state of perfect happiness is not sustainable or realistic. Life ebbs and flows, and I want to be open to all my emotions. You see, emotions are merely data points. They tell us what is going on. So, even when we find ourselves in a state of sadness or melancholy, that is not bad. It simply is. The invitation is to lean into whatever you’re feeling and ask yourself what’s going on that is causing that emotion?

Given everything that is going on in the world – especially of late – it is fairly easy to become negative, despondent, sad, even angry. And yet, when we treat our feelings as facts, we allow outside factors to dictate how we feel on the inside.

The real challenge is to remain in a state of equilibrium regardless of what is happening in the outside world; to choose our response to life, even though there might be reasons to feel unhappy, frustrated, angry, and so on. […]

Let’s talk about purpose…

Posted on July 6, 2021By ChantalPosted in Courage / Decision-Making / Happiness / Life / Meaning / Mindset / Passion / Perspective / Purpose / Thinking

“…we, and I mean humans, are meaning makers. We do not discover the meanings of mysterious things, we invent them. We make meanings because meaninglessness terrifies us above all things. More than snakes, even. More than falling, or the dark. We trick ourselves into seeing meanings in things, when in fact all we are doing is grafting our meanings onto the universe to comfort ourselves. We gild the chaos of the universe with our symbols. To admit that something is meaningless is just like falling backward into darkness.” ― Benjamin Hale

I love this quote by Benjamin Hale, because it beautifully summarises our biggest fear in life – i.e., what if this is all meaningless? What if none of this means anything? Do you think other animals ever contemplate the meaning of their existence or the meaning of specific events? So far, we don’t have any evidence that they do. It seems that questioning the meaning of things is a uniquely human characteristic. And as Benjamin Hale describes here, we graft our own meanings to the universe to comfort ourselves; to soothe the underlying unease we feel when we consider the possibility that it might all be meaningless.

So, why does meaninglessness terrify us? Why do we question the meaning of things? Victor Frankl went as far as postulating that the most fundamental human need is the need to find meaning. It’s what remains after we’ve been stripped of all our other needs, wants, and desires. In extreme circumstances, the meaning we attribute to something can determine whether we give up or keep pushing forward; it could literally mean the difference between staying alive and surrendering to death. […]

The Magic in Dandelions

Posted on May 17, 2021By ChantalPosted in Gratitude / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Mindset / Perspective / Resilience / Slow down / Thinking / Transformation / Uncategorized

About a year ago, I wrote an article about chasing Dandelions after watching a TED Talk by Dewitt Jones. Dewitt is a photographer for the National Geographic and openly declares it to be the greatest job in the world…

I listened to Dewitt’s talk, mesmerised, and inspired. Before hearing his story, I did not take much notice of Dandelions. However, I have since come to appreciate this little flower for a couple of reasons. I will share them here. […]

Perfection Detox: Learning to trust yourself

Posted on April 5, 2021By ChantalPosted in Coaching / Courage / Grit / Happiness / Life / Meaning / Mindfulness / Mindset / Perfection Detox / Perspective / Resilience / Self-care / Story Matters / Thinking

In 2018 Petra Kolber released her book, The Perfection Detox. I had pre-ordered the book and was very excited to start reading it. By that time in my life, I had come a long way and I had accepted that I was in fact a perfectionist with an insatiable need for perfection and control. So, I was looking forward to embarking on my own perfection detox. I had the book. I thought I was ready, and yet the detox never happened. Why? Well, it’s kind of a long story… […]

Listening to the quiet whisper of your Inner Wisdom: It doesn’t always have to be a “Hell Yes!”

Posted on March 29, 2021By ChantalPosted in Coaching / Courage / Decision-Making / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Mindset / Perspective / Story Matters / Thinking / Transformation

Recently I read a blog post by Carolyn Freyer-Jones where she was questioning whether an average or sometimes even hesitant yes could be enough to get started on a big transformation or transition. There’s a lot of talk in the coaching profession that reasons that, “If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a no.”

So, when deciding whether to change jobs, start a business, leave a dysfunctional or unhappy relationship, get married, have a child, or not have a child, start working with a coach, go to therapy, or anything else that might fundamentally change your life, the reasoning is that unless it’s a big and resounding yes – a HUGE, LOUD and INTENSE yes, it’s not really yes. It’s no. […]

You don’t rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems…

Posted on January 15, 2021By ChantalPosted in Decision-Making / Failure / Grit / Happiness / In the muck / Life / Mindset / Perspective / Resilience / Thinking / Transformation

As I mentioned in my blog post about Creating Your Year with Intention and Focus, the start of a new year is usually a time to set goals and to commit anew to the person you want to become. However, so often people don’t follow through on those initial new year’s resolutions. As soon as the novelty of the new year wears off, most of us fall back into our old behaviour patterns and forget how we promised ourselves that this year will be different.

Let’s be clear, we are creatures of habits, and our habits often become so ingrained that we don’t even see our habits as habits. We simply think of them as how we are, or who we are. Some habits have been part of our life for so long that they are part of our identity. It’s how we see ourselves. For example, being a non-smoker, or a smoker, being vegetarian, being a runner, or someone who likes routine, being an anxious person, or someone who questions everything, etc. […]