Do you compare yourself?

Growing up, I resented my little sister so much, not because of anything she did, but because I felt my parents loved her more than they loved me. She was the pretty one. She was the smart one. She was the funny one. She was the one who could never do anything wrong, and who often got away with murder…

Why am I sharing this with you? I’m sharing this, because I want to talk about comparison for a second. I believe that comparison is the thief of joy and compassion, and yet, I too (very hypocritically) compare myself to others. And my question is this: Where in your life did you learn to compare yourself?

Now, there is one universal truth that needs to be named here. Comparison is also a survival instinct. We evolved to compare ourselves with others, because we are social animals. And in groups or communities, it’s imperative to know where in the group you land. From a survival perspective, you want to be better than most of the group, but not the best, so you are singled out. So, it’s a tricky balance to maintain. 

The lowest in the pecking order might be left behind or ostracized, and the higher you go on the pecking order, the more competitive it gets and the more disconnected or removed you might feel from the pack. We instinctively fear social isolation, because in the not-so-distant past it meant death.

So, it’s also not unsurprising that the more time people spend on social media, the more isolated, alone, and disconnected they feel. Social media is nothing more than a very brutal experiment in constant social comparison. When I was growing up, I was comparing myself to my sister and my peers. Children and young adults these days are not only comparing themselves to their peers in the classroom or their siblings, but also to strangers they have never met, with thousands (sometimes millions) of likes and followers. The map has changed, and the territory is becoming more and more challenging to navigate in a world where we not only struggle to really know others, but actually struggle to truly know and understand ourselves…

So, back to my question: Where did you learn to compare yourself? I personally cannot pinpoint one specific source, place, or person. I feel like it was always woven into the fabric of how we do things. My parents compared their children to each other and to other children. Grading systems in school created comparisons and rankings. Social circles in school with specific cliques had you instinctively measure whether you belonged to a certain group or not. Then there are religions, sports, different cultures and backgrounds – all playgrounds for comparison. No wonder we compare ourselves. 

So, we know why we do it. I find sometimes it can be helpful to understand why we do something. And yet, most of the time, knowing why we do something doesn’t really change anything. I can know and understand why I do something, and still be unwilling or unable to do something different. 

See, the better (who knows if I’m doing this on purpose 😉) question here is not why, but: How is this pattern or behaviour impacting my life today?

Where do I compare myself the most?

What’s the pay-off I get from comparing myself?

What’s it costing me?

These questions bring a different perspective on the matter, because it invites us to get curious on the areas of life where you feel the most like you have to compete or prove yourself.

When I sat with the pay-off I get from comparing myself, I realized that my mind was tricking me into thinking that I would “fall behind” or “fail even faster” if I didn’t have something to measure my performance against. I recognized how I used social comparison exactly for it’s intended purpose – i.e., to gauge more or less where on the social ladder I think I fall.

This is of course all subjective, because it truly depends on what you value and what others value. For example, I don’t value material things as much as I value experiences. In many ways, I’m lower on the social ladder in comparison with friends and acquaintances who do value their status and their material belongings and who put tremendous value in the homes they live in, the cars they drive, the clothes they wear etc. 

For years, it was a topic of shame for me to admit that we don’t own a home, because I was taught that home-ownership was important, and that smart people own their homes. I value being smart (it’s one my comparisons) and did not want to appear less smart. So, I would feel embarrassed about it. And yet, the choice to not own a home – after owning multiple properties when I was younger – was very conscious and intentional. Not owning a home is a value-aligned choice for us as a family, even though in some social circles, it might be frowned upon or judged. 

You will find something similar occurs when someone chooses to be single or chooses not to have children. They will be compared to the social standard / expectation, and often bombarded with questions about why they are not married or choosing not to have children. The social pressure to conform can be immense, especially if you have deep conditioning about what you should be doing with your life.

And this brings me to the last question: What is it costing you to continuously compare yourself to others? Often the cost is authentic expression, freedom, alignment, power, agency, fun, joy. When we feel pressure to conform, or when everything we do is compared to some standard outside ourselves, it becomes less about authentic choice and self-expression. It’s less about freedom to live your life in alignment with your values. It’s less about having fun, and more about not “falling behind” or making sure you “look good / impressive”.

And before you know it, you find yourself endlessly chasing the next goal, the next thing, climbing a ladder you didn’t want to climb, saying yes to more and more on your plate, without even knowing what any of it actually means and without deriving any joy or fulfillment from your life. 

Comparison is a survival instinct, and it requires a courageous choice of human spirit to choose to drop the comparison in the name of true freedom, agency, and self-expression, and also just for the sake of enjoying what little time you have been given on this earth.

What I know is that I can make myself truly miserable (and mean) when I compare myself to others. And when I stay in my own lane, focused on my life, my joy, my inspiration, my creativity, and the little things that make my life truly joyful and remarkable, life feels wonderful, beautiful, magnificent, and I carry less resentment and anger. I don’t need to be angry at someone else for living their life. In fact, the more I give myself permission to live in alignment with what matters most to me, the more I also want others to do the same.

If you want to stop comparing yourself to others or to external measures of success, if you want to stop running around with your head under your arm, feeling like you are constantly behind, if you want to reconnect with what matters most to you, then join me on Saturday, October 3rd for a workshop on Slowing Down to Reconnect and Reset. What if all it takes to rediscover joy, is to slow down…?