Become a Cycle Breaker

One of the most important lessons I’ve learnt in my time working with my coach, is to appreciate that things in my life happen FOR me, not TO me. Everything in your life can be used for your growth and learning. EVERYTHING. Even the things that seem insignificant. And most especially the things that cause you the most frustration and heartache.

I feel compelled to share something vulnerable with you here. Healing from abuse, neglect, trauma, and violence is never easy. Sometimes it requires heroic effort to not fall into self-destructive patterns. It requires self-awareness, a deep inner knowing that things can and will be better, and that you are capable of change. It requires committed effort to learning, growing, healing, forgiving, and to never stop trying.

I’m not an addict in the traditional sense – I’m addicted to approval – so I’ve never attended an addiction recovery program, but I have a deep understanding of the value of those programs. Firstly, such a program let’s you know that you are not alone. This is not just you. There is nothing WRONG with you. And there is redemption and healing for you if you are willing to do the inner work.

Secondly, the deeper lesson in these programs, is that the only way to transform your life, is by transforming yourself. Work on your own internal thoughts and feelings and on how you are showing up in the world. Slow down and notice the stories you are telling yourself. Slow down and appreciate the lies you’ve bought into, and that you now live as if they are truths. Allow yourself some compassionate self-forgiveness and begin the journey of healing on the inside to change things on the outside.

You see, these programs know the secret. That everything in your life is a projection of what’s going on inside of you. The world is a mirror to what’s going on in your mind. We see the world the way we are. If you are hurting, if you are angry, you see the world that way. You will encounter angry, hurtful people and situations. If you are loving, and joyful, you see the world that way. You will encounter loving and joyful people and create loving and joyful experiences.

Thirdly, these programs provide a safe space. They provide a container of acceptance and non-judgment. They provide a sense of connection and shared pain. They allow you to be seen and heard. And ultimately, what all of us most yearn for, is to be seen and heard. To really, truly be seen and heard. Accepted. Acknowledged. Loved. When someone “gets it”, you feel understood. You feel less alone. You feel there might be hope for you to change things around.

The last few weeks I’ve had some interesting disruptions to my normal routine. And life brought me some challenges to test my commitment to my own growth and transformation. You see, life has always been in service to me like that. When I get complacent or arrogant about “how far I’ve come”, life will bring me new opportunities to test it out, to get real with myself, to see the gaps where I still need to do some work.

My journey of true healing began in 2016 shortly after my daughter was born. I fell into a pit of depression after her birth. I reeled with pain, and I felt like a trapped animal. All my childhood trauma and anguish came back to haunt me. Life was saying, “It’s time you looked at this. It’s time you put this to bed. It’s time you healed this”, and thankfully I heeded the call.

For the first time in my life, I asked for help. I acknowledged how lonely and lost I felt, and I began the journey of picking up the pieces, making sense of it, and figuring out who I wanted to be. I gave myself permission to feel my anger. To cry and mourn. To let go and heal.

I had the support and encouragement of a wonderful therapist who held space for me. She created a safe space where I could share without judgement and where I could get to know the inner child that I had abandoned years ago. And she encouraged me to love this little girl on the inside and to let her know that she would be ok.

Then we immigrated to Canada and my whole world fell apart. I was just starting to find my place in the world and to redefine the relationships in my life, and suddenly I was faced with a complete overhaul. And I felt ill-equipped to deal with it.

My entire life, everything I had worked so hard to create, was gone. And I was anchorless. I felt like I was adrift at sea, and like I would never find my way back to the shore. I remember, how in the depths of my despair, I feverishly tried to find answers. I kept researching and reading, hoping to find some form of inspiration, some beacon of hope, something that would reassure me that I would figure it out. That I would survive. That I would be ok.

The only thing that resonated with me at the time, was this beautiful article by Karan Bajaj on The incredible upside of loneliness. I resolved to use this journey of heartache and loneliness to grow and learn and become wiser so that I could share what I’ve learnt when I return home one day. I wrote about my loneliness and committed myself to my own self-discovery and reinvention.

With this resolve in mind, I set out to carve a new path for myself in an unfamiliar place where I knew no-one and truly was an outsider. On this new journey of self-discovery, I embarked on my coach training, rekindled a passion for people, and for making a difference in this world, found work that really called to me in the deepest depths of my soul. I started to recognise, that everything in my life, the pain, the heartache, the trauma, the loss, prepared me for this work. Life has been my greatest teacher and every time I have heeded the call, I have created some incredible things in this world.

During this time, I also met my coach and continued my inner work at a level I didn’t think was possible. The coaching I have received over the last two years has been fundamental to my transformation. I am absolutely a product of coaching.

I have gone from someone who felt lost, isolated, misunderstood, and despondent, to someone who not only rekindled my belief in humankind, but someone who truly knows herself for the first time. I didn’t have to recreate or reinvent myself. I simply needed to let go of the baggage I was carrying around and learn to love myself the way I am. I needed to show myself the same compassion I was showing everyone else in my life. I needed to appreciate my life experiences as the important lessons I needed for my own spiritual transformation.

I do apologise if, through over-simplification, I have made this sound easy, because easy it is not. But as my coach taught me, “Hard is a choice” and I make that choice every day, because I’d rather be learning and growing, than playing small. I’d rather do the deep inner work and recreate my life from the inside out, than continue to operate as a victim in this world looking for someone to blame. I’d rather take full responsibility for my life and consciously create my future, than let others decide who I should be or where I will end up.

Part of my spiritual curriculum in this world, was to consciously choose to become a cycle breaker. What is a cycle breaker you might ask? Cycle breakers are individuals who step outside of their toxic family traditions to establish something better for themselves. The path is hard and requires a severance from the patterns and beliefs that were handed down by their parents and caretakers. They consciously choose to go against the stream – and face the conflict it might cause – and they often also have a deep inner commitment that says, “this pattern stops with me. I will not transfer this pain to future generations”.

A cycle breaker, therefore, is someone who consciously chooses healing over bitterness and blame. They recognise dysfunctional behaviour in themselves and actively work at changing it. They take the time to understand the people in their family and why they are the way they are. They recognise coping mechanisms that they have been holding on to that are no longer helpful. A cycle breaker often faces rejection by their family and community. They might have to carve a path for themselves that is very different from anything anyone else around them has ever done.

I consider my own cycle breaking insignificant, compared to what some other cycle breakers have had to face – think of those who had to endure ridicule for their sexual and religious choices, or who have had to face racial prejudice and who still chose to stand up against the systems that perpetuate the prejudice and injustice.

I share this here to acknowledge that my journey is in no way unique or special, but to also share, that regardless of where you find yourself currently, know that if you are in any way pushing against outdated beliefs and ways of being in this world, and feeling rejected or ostracised, I want to acknowledge your choice and let you know that you are not alone. It’s never an easy choice, but it’s always a worthwhile choice. For you. And for those who might follow.

So, dare to be different. Dare to speak up. Dare to be who you are. Dare to defy those who tell you that you should not trust your own inner knowing. Dare to honour the inner wisdom of your authentic self. Dare to be brave enough to live wildly, honestly, joyfully. Dare to savour every step of the path. You won’t regret it. I promise.

For some inspiration, I’m sharing the artist Milck’s song Quiet wit you. I recently discovered Milck in a workshop for women who want more. Here are the lyrics of the song that resonate most right now: