“Differentiate yourself so you can compliment others, not compete with them.” – Monali Jain
“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.” – Carl Jung
I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what is required to not merely survive but to truly thrive in life. I remember reading a thought-provoking article by Zat Rana about a year ago, where he reasoned that there are two states of being in this world: surviving and thriving. To survive is to live in a way that “limits downsides, to eliminate the risk of ruin. It means fulfilling our basic need for food and shelter and companionship”. Thriving, on the other hand, is different. It’s an attempt to transcend this basic state of existence not out of fear, but out of desire and yearning for growth and learning.
When we live in a state of survival, our actions are motivated by fear. We want to avoid pain. This state of being is instinctual and has been cultivated by evolution through natural selection. We are driven to survive in the environment we find ourselves in, since “if you don’t have the capacity to survive in a particular environment, then the code in your body won’t make it to the next generation”. Rana points out that living in the modern world has its benefits. “We don’t have to worry about being a lion’s meal. And while poverty and adverse living conditions are still abundant in many places, the vast majority of humans don’t wake up worrying whether or not they will survive to live another day”.
The fortunate situation we find ourselves in today, also poses a different challenge; the challenge to self-actualise and move beyond mere survival to find ways to truly thrive beyond the physical realm. We are presented with opportunities to grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We have an innate need to satisfy the requirements of survival, yes, but we also have a deeper desire to make something of ourselves beyond that, so we can thrive in the world.
It’s when we thrive, that we feel as if we are really alive, and living up to our potential. And to thrive, means to live in alignment with our true selves. For some, this can mean earning insane amounts of money, or climbing the hierarchy and claiming leadership roles, but for most people, it simply means challenging themselves to be more of who their core dictates they could be. Or as Abraham Maslow put it: “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be.”
Rana postulates that the biggest challenge we are faced with today if we are to move from mere survival into a state of thriving, is that we need to find a way to both differentiate and integrate. Let me explain.
Differentiation is about finding your own level of independence or individuality. Stephen Covey shared these ideas in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, where he depicted what he calls the maturity continuum. Covey explains that during our evolution as a person, we are meant to go from dependence to independence and finally interdependence.
We each begin life as an infant, totally dependent on others. We are directed, nurtured, and sustained by others. As small children we are in a state of dependence, where we still need our parents to take care of us, because we have not acquired the skills yet to take care of ourselves. Without the nurturing of our caregivers, we would not survive. Gradually over the ensuing months and years, we become more and more independent – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially – until eventually we can take care of ourselves.
That is the purpose of childhood; is to grow in our independence and eventually learn to live independently from our parents. Our first evolution thus, is to move from a state of dependence to a state of independence where we acquire enough knowledge and skills to navigate our own path through life. It requires that we become inner-directed and self-reliant.
However, this is not the end of the path. We are not meant to function completely independently for the rest of our lives. As we continue to grow, mature, and evolve, we start to recognise that all of nature is interdependent. We notice that there is an ecological system that governs nature. There are sociological systems that govern our relationships and communities. If we are lucky, we start to recognise that the higher reaches of our nature have to do with our relationships with others.
You see, human life is interdependent. We are meant to find a way to co-exist with others and to collaboratively shape and co-create the world we live and work in. Our next evolution thus requires moving from independence to interdependence where we recognise that each of us have a role to play and that we all need each other. Through collaboration and co-creation, we establish our leadership in this world, and we elevate our existence to higher levels of thriving.
Covey explains that our growth from infancy to adulthood happens in alignment with natural laws. However, there are many dimensions to grow. Just because we have matured physically, does not mean that we have in fact matured mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And similarly, if someone is physically dependent, it does not mean that they lack mental and emotional maturity.
To move from dependence to independence requires a process called differentiation. Those of us who are fully differentiated have taken steps to explore their own individuality, by being out in the world. They explore and experience life. They try new things. They experiment with the express intention to receive feedback and grow. They discover their core strengths by cultivating their interests and the things that bring them joy. The live with curiosity and wonder, and they seek to learn and grow more independently.
Everyday, our senses are accosted by artificial lights, sounds, and smells in the cities we live in and the places we work in. Our media devices fill us with more information than we could hope to absorb and comprehend in multiple lifetimes; some of it purely false and even more of it simply useless. Even our norms and interactions in the social world are clouded by more ambiguity, more things to consider.
Abundance of information and opportunities is not a problem in itself, but if you don’t know how to manage all of this, which most of us haven’t learned to do, then your mind is spending so much of its time in conflict with itself that it doesn’t have the energy left to do what it truly wants. We become apathetic and despondent beneath a cloud of uncertainty and frustration. Some people simply stop trying to make sense of it all and end up simply going through the motions, never really discovering what makes them come alive, what inspires them, what would be meaningful to them personally.
Differentiated people take it on themselves to navigate the abundance of the world and expose themselves to it. In the process they seek feedback and growth. They seek to not only absorb, but to blend their different experiences and learning. So, in a way, they seek both to be different and independent and to be integrated in how they are showing up in the world.
To move from independence to interdependence requires integration. When we are integrated, we have found ways to blend the different parts of our narratives and personalities. Integrated people do this by investigating what they believe and value. Self-chosen values form the core guiding principles that help them navigate their lives. They are also acutely aware of their unique strengths and weaknesses. They have cultivated self-love and self-acceptance and can be at peace with themselves. They have worked on their own inner judgments so that they are able to show up in loving of others and find deliberate ways to co-create and innovate. They seek interdependence, because they recognise that we are all connected and that when we collaborate, we can create so much more together than by ourselves.
According to Rana, people who have not integrated yet, hold onto a narrative structure that is fragile and incoherent. If you are struggling to integrate, you will experience inner conflict because of not knowing what really matters to you personally, or feeling torn between your own values and those espoused by your family, heritage, culture, community etc. Disintegrated individuals get sucked up by their distractions, addictions, or whatever else gets in the way of them finding out what really matters to them. They might often carry unresolved problems or issues from childhood/adolescence. They have not worked through their own narrative to clarify what resonates for them and what does not. They have not really looked at the values and beliefs they are holding on to and put into question why they believe what they believe. They have not found a way to express their own unique way of being in the world and be in loving of those around them.
In a way they may be mature physically, but immature mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Covey explains that on the maturity continuum we evolve through three different paradigms, or ways of seeing the world. In the dependence paradigm we use “you”, as in you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn’t come through; I blame you for these results.
Independence is the paradigm of “I” – as in I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose the outcome for my life.
Lastly, interdependence is the paradigm of “we” – as in we can do it together; we cooperate and collaborate; we combine our talents and abilities to create something greater together.
Dependent people need others to get what they want. They rely on others to give them what they think they need. Independent people can get what they want through their own individualised effort. Sometimes their efforts may be selfishly driven. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve success not otherwise attainable.
If I were physically dependent – paralysed or disabled or limited in some other physical way – I would need you to help me. If I were emotionally dependent, my sense of self-worth and personal security would be dependent on your opinion of me. You liking me would be important to me, since you not liking me would mean that I’m not worthy. If I were intellectually or mentally dependent, I would count on others to do my thinking for me. I would delegate my own personal power and decision-making to others, because I wouldn’t trust my own mind.
For this reason, those who are physically limited in some way, actively seek their own independence. It is important to their sense of self to feel like they can do things for themselves. Many of us might be fortunate enough to not be physically dependent on others, but we might not notice how we are still mentally or emotionally dependent on others.
Mental independence means that I have differentiated my thinking from those around me, i.e. I am aware of the beliefs and values I have inherited from my family, culture, or religion and I consciously choose my own set of values. I think for myself. I can analyse situations, absorb abstract facts, makes sense of new information and communicate in understandable ways. I make up my own mind about things, without expecting others to make decision for me and I also don’t blame others for my decisions.
Emotional independence means that I feel validated from within. I recognise my own worth without it being dependent on the opinions of others. My sense of self-worth doesn’t fluctuate based on whether I’m liked or treated well or badly. I am aware of my own feelings and triggers. I can communicate my needs and make fair requests of others, and I take action in my life that aligns with what’s most important to me, and not to win the approval of others.
As Covey explains, independence is a major achievement in and of itself, but this is only part of our evolution as human beings. The next step in our evolution is to move beyond our own ego. This can only be accomplished through true independence that is sought not for selfish reasons, but to be the owners of our lives. True independence of character empowers us to act rather than to be acted upon. It frees us from falling victim to our circumstances and helps us see that even when faced with challenging circumstances, we always have choice in the matter.
Independent people who have not reached the maturity level of interdependence, may be good individual producers, but they are not yet good leaders or team players. They underappreciate the value of communication, collaboration, and teamwork. They have not yet found ways to succeed in marriage, family life, work, and leadership roles.
Life is by nature highly interdependent, so we are being called by life to mature to the level of interdependence. When I’m physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, and yet I also recognise that you and I can accomplish far more together than I could ever do on my own – even if I were performing at my absolute best. When I’m emotionally interdependent, I derive my sense of self-worth from within, and I also recognise my need for love, connection, belonging, and to give and receive love from others. If I’m intellectually or mentally interdependent, I can think for myself and generate creative ideas, and I’m open to the creative ideas of others. I appreciate the value of doing my best thinking in collaboration with others.
As an interdependent person, you have the opportunity to share yourself deeply and meaningfully with others whilst having access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings. However, interdependence is a choice that only interdependent people can make.
For this reason, I want to continue to build habits that shape my interdependent character, so I can get the most out of my life here on earth; so that I can make a meaningful contribution to this world through my authentic skills and ways of being and the world, whilst appreciating and encouraging those around me to do the same.
According to Rana, abundance is a gift, but only if we learn how to harness it properly. And to harness it, we must differentiate and reintegrate in a way that helps us grow towards physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual interdependence.
References:
- Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful lessons in personal change. New York: Simon & Schuster.
- Rana, Z. (2019). Becoming Who You Are: Why Don’t Most People Reach Their Potential? Available online at: https://medium.com/personal-growth/becoming-who-you-are-why-dont-most-people-reach-their-potential-df0335ac1655