The first time I met my coach, I was envious. Who was this woman who looked so comfortable in her own skin, and who was unafraid to take up space? She was open and honest. She shared her thoughts and feelings openly. She didn’t look like she felt intimidated by anyone. It was almost as if she saw herself as equal to everyone else in the room? And it occurred to me that what I was witnessing was real. It wasn’t a façade or a performance. It wasn’t her acting brave and confident. It was her truly being confident in herself…
Isn’t it interesting how we can sense when someone is acting brave and confident, and how we can tell the difference between those who are acting, and those who simply embody those traits? We know. We can sense when someone is working really hard to look good on the outside, while they are contorting on the inside.
There’s an ease and presence to someone who is truly confident in who they are – who knows who they are, and who is not afraid to be themselves. There is a way they hold themselves that actually draws others in. We naturally feel comfortable around people who are comfortable with themselves, because they do not perceive others as a threat, so there is no comparison or judgment occurring. There is just love and acceptance.
I felt that with my coach too. She treated me kindly, even when I was rude or shut down. She did not take any of my comments or actions personally. She simply allowed me the space to show up how I was, without needing me or anyone else to be different for her to be at ease with herself. At the same time, she wasn’t overly accommodating, and she didn’t tolerate disrespect or mistreatment. She knew how to honour herself.
The thought that did not occur to me, was that she didn’t deserve to take up space. The thought that did occur to me was why couldn’t I do that? That thought was followed by a whole cascade of other thoughts about my own worthiness or deservingness… And I find the same occurs with my clients. None of them question the deservingness of other people, even though they question their own deservingness.
In a recent article I posed the question: What do you believe you deserve? Today I want to explore this question: What if there is a reason why you don’t question whether other people deserve to thrive?
You see, our innate being is one of wellbeing and of thriving. We are meant to grow, learn, expand, flourish, thrive… It’s built into our DNA. If you consider how much a baby grows and learns in their first year of life, and how much can change in the first five years of life, you have witnessed the wonder of our innate ability to grow and thrive.
What’s even more amazing, is how adaptable we are, and how our nervous systems will adapt to the environment we find ourselves in. We will cultivate behaviours that will help us survive in any environment, and over time, those behaviours become our habits and our patterns.
Anything that is learnt, can be unlearnt. Any behaviour that has served us well can eventually become the obstacle that prevents us from growing further. Steve Chandler shared in one of his talks that the best way to succeed is to create a system that gets you the result you want. Until that particular system stops giving you the result you want. Then it’s time to change the system and try something new.
For some of us, being high achievers, over-functioners, or people pleasers has helped us get the results we wanted. It has helped us not only survive in tricky environments, but it has also helped us create success and earn appreciation, praise, recognition, and other external rewards. So, it has worked.
Until you wake up one day and realize that what got you here, won’t get you there. The very habits and behaviours that used to get us results, now feel stifling and restrictive, or they are simply painful, because our environments have changed, and we haven’t.
You can spend years of your life running programming that has you believe you don’t deserve to thrive. And that was never true to begin with. You were always meant to thrive, because you were born to thrive. You have just unlearnt how to thrive. And anything that is unlearnt can also be relearnt.
Spending time arguing with yourself about whether you deserve to thrive or not, is equivalent to running the pattern of deserving you have acquired to stay safe. And it’s completely irrelevant, really.
Michael Neill says the number of reasons we have for doing something is inversely proportional to how much we actually want to do it. Thus, the more reasons you believe you need to have for doing something, the less you actually want to do the thing. So, instead of trying to talk yourself into something you don’t actually want to do, why not simply own that you don’t want to do it?
The same is true here. If you are looking for reasons why you deserve to thrive, stop. The truth is, if you are looking for reasons why you should thrive, you don’t really want to thrive. Because if you truly wanted to thrive, you wouldn’t be arguing for your limitations and reasons, you would be asking: What do I need to do to thrive?
Are you willing to consider the possibility that if you are not asking that question: What do I need to do to thrive?, then perhaps you don’t’ really want to thrive?
If you are asking that question, then let’s talk. Reach out and let’s explore what thriving in this season of your life looks like. My sense is that you already know what’s missing and what’s stopping you from thriving, and what might be in the way, is the fear of what it might mean if you admitted that to yourself.
THRIVE launches on May 19th. Consider this your invitation from life to reclaim your birth right and let’s begin.