What’s Your Context to Life?

A question I love to ask my clients, is: What’s your context to life? This question reveals so much about how someone is relating to their experience of life. A context to life, is the story we tell ourselves about life, about ourselves, and about others. It’s the things we believe to be true about Life, about ourselves, and about other people. For example, someone might believe that Life’s a bitch, and then you die. Or they might believe that life is hard, and only the strong survive. Or they might believe that life is the relentless pursuit of more. Or that life is unfair. Or that life is a gift. Or that life is a journey.

What we tell ourselves about life, determines how we might respond to different situations IN our life. The other day, I was in conversation with a client, and we uncovered an unconscious belief she had been holding about life, and that is that life is a war zone. She didn’t even realise that she saw life that way, until we started having that conversation. However, this underlying belief about life was evident in how she was talking about all her experiences of life. She would often share how life felt like such a struggle, or like she is always fighting for survival. She believed that she had to fight for what she wanted, and even that nothing comes without sacrifice. You can imagine how this was playing out in her life. When good things occurred in her life, she would unconsciously tell herself that she will need to sacrifice something to have these good things occur, because of the belief that good things come at a cost.

Recently, a colleague flippantly shared how she had been burdened by herself all her life. I was so curious about that, and I slowed her down and pointed out what she had said. She was shocked. She said she had never considered that this might simply be a belief and not a fact. She had been operating as if this is simply a fact of life, and not just that, she has also assumed that other people were also relating to themselves as burdens…

I share this to point out that we all do this. We all have stories that we tell ourselves, and that we treat as facts, even though they might not be. However, when we treat these stories as facts, we start living INTO them as if they were true, and they become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Recently, I shared that the most powerful source in the world is our minds and what we tell ourselves. In 2006, John C. Maxwell wrote a little book called The Difference Maker. He shared that the one ingredient that separated those who excel and succeed in life, those who experience fulfillment and happiness, from those who do not, is their attitude. So, our attitude makes all the difference in our experience of life.

I think at the time, this was taken very literally, and people started to tell themselves that they could “think” themselves into success and happiness, by simply having a “positive attitude”. However, if you’ve ever tried to think yourself into a positive attitude, or if you have ever tried “positive affirmations”, you will know that simply thinking positively, or restating positive affirmations over and over – or worst still trying to “manifest” positive things in your life – simply doesn’t work. And the reason this is so, is because a positive thought smeared across an entire mindset and belief system about how the world works that contradicts that, will have no lasting effect. It’s like smearing icing over mouldy bread and pretending it’s a cake. The mouldy bread will NOT taste like cake or become cake, because of a layer of icing on top. That is what “positive thinking” is IF it is not also accompanied by the deep spiritual work required to really see and understand your own thinking and beliefs that drive your behaviour.

In Enneagram work we are taught that behaviour doesn’t tell the whole story. People might behave similarly for very different reasons, or they might behave differently and actually value the same thing or hold the same belief. However, our perspective matters, and our mindset matters. We don’t see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are. So, our experience of the outer world is driven by what is happening for us on the inside. Our understanding of the outer world is influenced by our inner story and motivation. So, in Enneagram work for example, we are encouraged to discover the underlying motivation driving the behaviour we are observing and to not merely draw conclusions from the behaviour we are seeing.

In my most recent article I shared with you the symptoms or indicators that point to the presence of developmental trauma. It has been my lived experience, and the experience of so many of my clients, that simply changing their thinking does not have a lasting impact and does not help them cultivate the changes they are yearning for in their lives.

I keep thinking about what Devon Bandison said about this. Devon shared that change does not create sustainable results, because we are still working with the same programming. We are still seeing life the same way, and then attempting to “fix” what we deem not to be working. A breakthrough, on the other hand, is different. A breakthrough occurs when we suddenly see something in a completely different way. We are not attempting to fix or change what is. We are standing in front of a blank canvas where we can create anew, because of a new perspective, insight, or belief.

I will share two examples of this. The first one is on a smaller scale and the second one is of a much larger magnitude. The other day I was in conversation with my coach about chaos. One of my patterns of Perfectionism that has been the hardest to work with, has been around neatness and cleanliness. I struggle with mess. It makes me uncomfortable. I prefer a clean and neat environment and workspace. I have a visceral reaction to mess.

So, as you can imagine, living with small children, is particularly challenging. For those of you who don’t know (and I’m saying this tongue in cheek) kids make a mess. Kids thrive in chaos – or at least it seems mine do. So, it has been particularly challenging for me in regulating my nervous system, because I’m experiencing a conflict in values. I want to be a conscious and present parent, and at the same time, mess drives me crazy. I also value cleanliness, and a neatly organised space.

However, in this conversation with my coach, she said, “Your mess, is their play” and she shared with me that she has a lot of clients who complain about the opposite – i.e., they share their frustration that their children are bored and want to be entertained all the time. I laughed out loud at that. My children are little explorers and scientists. They are hardly ever bored, and most of the time they are making a mess somewhere in the house.

This conversation led to a breakthrough in my thinking though. Until that moment I had seen the mess as a struggle that I have to manage. I have tried to “regulate” my nervous system in the chaos. I have tried to create agreements around the mess. I have tried to “learn to live with the mess”. These are all things related to trying to “fix the problem of mess”. Suddenly, I saw the mess as a testament to my willingness to let my kids explore and experiment.

I read an article a few years ago about how Microsoft founder, Bill Gates’ parents would leave him alone for hours while he was running experiments and blowing up things in their garage. And something about that resonated with me. I wanted to encourage my children to play and explore, and now I finally see that I didn’t have to fix the mess. I could change the way I relate to the mess, and that completely changes the game.

I firmly believe that “play is the work of the child” and this new insight has me allowing for mess as part of play. Play is what they need to do, and they will be healthier, happier, more self-sufficient humans because of what they learn through their explorations and experiments. I can see myself as the facilitator of play. And so now, the mess feels different to me. Do I still have days when the mess is too much for me. Of course. I’m human and my patterns are my patterns. And I now have more grace and compassion for myself and them during those times. I take time away and retreat to a calmer environment. And I have agreements with my partner, and with the children about when and how we clean up after play.

Now for the story with a bigger impact. I used to relate to life as hard and unforgiving. I used to believe that only the strong and fierce survive, and that compassion and kindness made you weak. I used to believe that no-one could be trusted. What I didn’t want to admit to myself, was the person I trusted the least, was MYSELF. I was always seeking answers, looking to find the truth, looking for something to believe in, and I could never really trust fully.

And this is understandable, given my upbringing. I learnt at home not to trust. So, trust has been one of those things that has taken, and will continue to take, years to cultivate. I could not change these beliefs about life with a breakthrough thought or idea. Rather, it required a much deeper exploration of the core stories I was living as truth in my life. It required an honest look at myself. It required patience, compassion, and a willingness to be in the discomfort of what I was creating in my life as a result of these unconscious beliefs.

It required deep inner work, the release of trauma, and a gradual movement towards neutrality first. I wasn’t able to move from scarcity, lack, and distrust into trust in one go. I had to find my way to neutrality first, and I don’t’ think I’m all the way on the other side into full trust yet. And I also know that I am in a different place to where I was five years ago when I started this work. I know that I no longer live in constant fear and distrust. I know that I’m more loving, more accepting, and more compassionate with myself and others. My relationships are deeper and more meaningful. And I no longer believe that life is cruel and uncaring or that only the strong survive. I no longer see vulnerability and compassion as weakness. I now know they are strengths. I now know they require tremendous courage, and they change the game.

My breakthrough wasn’t one idea or thought. It was many different insights that added up over time as I continued to work with myself on the things I thought to be true about Life. I also had to test my new ideas before I could start incorporating them into my mindset. I had to have my own lived experience of it before it became real for me. So, this work has asked a lot of me. I have had to be honest and open about my real thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. I had to notice my triggers, and the stories that would come up when I was triggered. I had to be courageous and willing to look at my stories – really look at my stories – and to rewrite the ones that were no longer serving me.

This takes time, and what I will leave you with is, if there is willingness, you CAN and you WILL change the story. The question is, are you willing to lean into the places where you feel most resistant? Are you willing to be really honest with yourself? Are you willing to consider that the story you have been living as fact might not be? Are you willing to let Life surprise you? How do you want to see life? What do you want to believe about life?