Over the last two years I have sat with this question: What does it mean to thrive? I used to believe that if I could achieve enough outside success, then I would thrive.
When I started my coaching business, I read The Prosperous Coach, in the hopes that I could figure out how to prosper – which is another word for thrive. I was longing to find the secret to thriving / prospering / flourishing / expanding. And I will be honest, initially I thought that I would feel like I was thriving if I were making more money and if I was really successful in my business.
Truthfully, creating my own income out of nothing, after believing for so many years that I was not capable of being an entrepreneur, did actually expand my horizons of what I thought was possible for me. However, when I slow it down, I recognize that it wasn’t the money that made me feel like I was thriving. The money was a by-product of the skill and confidence I have built over the past eight years in my ability to deliver value and create clients through connection, relationship, and service.
I have now become someone who is an entrepreneur. I have become the coach I wanted to be and thought I couldn’t be. This shift in my identity, in who I believe myself to be, has been my access point to thriving and expanding. And it started with the courage to dare to dream that something that felt impossible could be possible, and to take one small step at a time to get there.
I also saw how destructive it can be to compare myself to others, and how referencing outside sources (i.e. other people and their systems) could lead to a lack of thriving. I have said this many times, “Comparison is the thief of joy and compassion”, and now, more than ever, I feel the truth of that statement in my body. It’s no longer just a thought. It’s something I understand, because I walked the painful path of comparing myself, and of hustling for my worthiness, because I thought that was what I had to do to get to a place where I could thrive. I was wrong.
I saw how not having an anchor in myself – a reference point that doesn’t rely on circumstances to be perfect, or people to show up the way I want them to – could leave me at the whim of others’ moods, and desperately trying to control things that are simply not in my control. I started to see how much I was drowning without any real connection to myself and my own inner wisdom.
One of the most profound insights I have had over the past two years, is the awareness and appreciation that effort and desired outcomes are not the same. If I measure my self-worth against desired outcomes, I have set myself up to be disappointed a lot of the time, because I don’t always get what I want.
Ironically, my father used to say that I was someone who always got what I wanted, and I used to get so upset by that statement, because I felt as if I hardly ever got what I wanted. What I now know is that what my father was observing, was that I was someone who was courageous enough to go after what I wanted. My intentional actions often resulted in tangible outcomes in the world. If someone was sitting on the sidelines watching, it would be easy for them to perceive that I was getting everything I wanted. Little did they know how often the result I got was not what I had planned.
I also know that my relationship with Life has fundamentally changed these past eight years. I am no longer in an adversarial relationship with Life. I have grown in my trust of Life, and in my intuition to guide me to where I need to be. I have also learnt to appreciate that I don’t always get what I want – or even what I think I need – and yet, I always get what I truly need for my growth an evolution.
My focus now has shifted away from desired outcomes, or results on the outside. My focus is on my intentional effort, my commitment, and my willingness to continue to stay open and to grow and learn. I don’t control the outcome, but I do control how I relate to myself and my efforts. I can beat up on myself every time I feel like I missed the mark (which is something I did a lot in the past). Or I can honour that I am doing enough, and it might not be enough. This one has been hard for me to wrap my head around, and is still a process of unraveling and understanding for me.
What I do understand better at this point in my journey, is just how much I have been over-functioning, and treating my over-functioning as “normal”, without truly understanding the weight of responsibility I have taken on. My unwillingness to accept that I cannot do my way into everything I want, has been a wall I keep running into.
And I’ve started to recognize the harm it inflicts, not just on my self-esteem and energy, but on my relationships with the people I love the most, my work, and the ways I want to be showing up. When I over-function, I sacrifice presence, love, and joy for accomplishment and perfection. When the focus is on getting more done, to feel worthy, I lose perspective on what truly matters and how my being affects my relationship and my work.
So, as I have worked with this question, and have allowed this question to work with me, new insights are being revealed about what it truly means to thrive. Thriving is not only about external success, although, it may include external success. I might be successful on the outside and “drowning on the inside” in the words of one of my clients.
True thriving is a level of liberation and presence that can only be cultivated from the inside out. It’s characterized by a deep connection to the core of who you are, an understanding of your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, and even the patterns you fall into when you feel unsafe or dysregulated.
True thriving requires a level of healing that allows us to step outside of the perspective of our trauma and fears, and begin to see ourselves and Life through the lens of Trust again. True thriving means that my relationship with myself is solid. I have my own back, no matter what. I set intentions. I go after goals. And I choose to honour my efforts over my desired outcomes. I understand what is in my control, and what is not. I put down over-functioning, taking myself and Life too seriously, overworking, and overdoing, or hustling for my worthiness, and I choose joy, love, presence, and pleasure.
I can only thrive when I am fully resourced. When I’m overwhelmed, and feel thinly spread, it means I’m under-resourced, and thus blocking myself from thriving. Rest, play, creativity, and joy are no longer rewards for acceptable effort. They are the pathway to my genius, to what I create and put out in the world. They are my birth right, and the fuel to my energy, resilience, courage, and inspiration.
When I’m truly thriving, I live from a place of gratitude and abundance, not because I believe it’s the right thing to do, but because I truly feel abundant, and I see that living my life fully – playing, resting, and celebrating – is how I express my gratitude for the gift of life I have received.
Thriving means that my relationships work, not because I’m pleasing and accommodating, but because I’m authentic, honest, vulnerable, boundaried, and compassionate. I let people be who they are, and I choose who I want to be, and how I want to show up that will have me feel proud of myself no matter the outcome.
This year, I am committed to sharing what I have discovered, because I want everyone to reclaim their right to thrive. This year, I’m telling the truth about what it really means to thrive, and what it takes to experience more liberation and connection within yourself.
Geneen Roth shares in her book, Lost and Found, “… Rebellion is the other side of compliance, but it’s not freedom.” Where are you complying, placating, acquiescing, pleasing to get what you want? Where are you rebelling against the system, against the rules, against others, and against yourself even? Both compliance and rebellion are expressions of the longing for true liberation. And that liberation begins with exploring for yourself what it means to you to thrive.