The Things We Avoid…

My coach recently gifted me a book by Michael Neill called Things I’m Avoiding Doing: A four-week program to overcome procrastination and get shit done. The title of the book is misleading, because it makes it sounds like the focus of the book is to learn how to get over procrastination and get more done. In a world, where we are already overloaded with too much to do, it’s probably not surprising that we are not getting everything done. And yet, when you read the book, you’ll discover that it’s not really about getting more shit done, and that Michael Neill doesn’t believe that procrastination is actually real.

Procrastinator is the self-degrading insult we slap on ourselves when we inevitably don’t get everything done, or when we delay starting an important project, or leave something important until it’s urgent, and yet, if we slow down and stop beating up on ourselves for a second, we will discover that there is usually something else underneath the resistance to completing the thing that we are judging ourselves for not completing. And that is what this book is about, and so much more, because it’s an invitation to consider that perhaps not everything that you feel you should get done actually needs to get done.

Sometimes what’s occurring is that we are stuck in the misunderstanding that there is a “right way” to do something, and that we need to figure out “the right way” to do it. I love what Michael Neill says about this. He says that “when it comes to getting stuff done – particularly the stuff we’ve been avoiding – the search for the “right way” or “best way” is one of the best ways to avoid doing it.” Consider this. Is there something important that you want to do with your life that you keep putting off, because you believe that there is “one right way” to do it? Are you putting pressure on yourself to “get it right” the first time, or to have all the answers when you are starting something new? How is your progress on that thing?

When I started my coaching business, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and my coach said that the only way to learn was to be willing to not know and to get messy. At the time, I was very much living from a fixed mindset and the belief that I had to know, or have it figured out before I could get started. In fact, that is what led to the failure of my first business – i.e., the idea that I have to figure it all out first, and create the all the content, and have all the answers, before I could share any of my ideas. I was procrastinating big time, and the failure to share ideas, led to the failure to launch or share any ideas, and the failure to have an impact.

When I started my coaching business, I chose to dive in headfirst with no idea what I was doing, but with an open, courageous, and willing heart and mind, and the willingness to get really messy and let that be ok. During that first year in business, I learnt about the value of simply starting, and of taking one small step at a time. I learnt about the value of persistence, and the incredible value of failure as evidence that I’m on the court, and moving forward in meaningful ways. You see, when we are not failing, we are also not really trying. Success is failing forward, one uncertain wonky step at a time, one messy fearful, and yet courageous, mistake at a time. When we make mistakes, we have the opportunity to learn and grow and expand beyond our current capacities. You cannot expand your current capacities if you are unwilling to stretch beyond your comfort zone.

I have found that being willing to be messy, and also dropping the false belief that I should know or should have the answers or should have it all figured out, is the key to starting a whole lot of things in my life that I truly did not feel ready for – a career in academia, getting married, becoming a mother, starting a business, running a half marathon, becoming a Yogi, even becoming a coach. All of these things in my life involved not knowing and trusting my desire to learn and grow and become who I needed to be to do these things, and it’s in the diving in and being willing to make a mess, that I learnt the most, and continue to learn to this day.

So Michael suggests that we drop this idea that there has to be one right way to do something, and recognise that what’s actually more true here is “just because something works, doesn’t make it the right or even best way to do it – it just means that it worked to generate the desired outcome this time around” and I would add that just because something works for someone else, it doesn’t mean it will work for you. You would still need to run the experiment in your own life, give it enough practice, collect the data, and determine if it works for you. And, as Michael says, “when something works, feel free to do more of it. When it doesn’t, feel free to do something else instead.”

So, dear reader, are you open to the consider the possibility that there is no right way to do something? There is only the willingness to experiment with different ways. The key is not to figure out “the right way” to do something. Rather, the key is to get clear on the desired outcome. What is it that you desire most? And how might you create it?

Recently, I had a conversation with a colleague, and she shared how she created a trip to reunite all her children after hearing me share how I create trips to visit our family in South Africa. She felt inspired by the idea, and she was so surprised at how she was able to create the trip she wanted by simply getting clear on her desired intention to do so. Do not underestimate the power of real intention. When we are clear on what we want, when we are willing to express our desires to ourselves, and even to others, or the Universe, we set something in motion, we are inviting Life to help us create it. And when we know that this is what we truly want, the longing for what we want drives our actions, and we get creative in how we might create the thing we want.

I will say more about wants and desires in another article.