How and Why We Numb…

Recently I shared how shame can get in the way of us living more wholeheartedly. Today I want to talk about numbing. All of us numb from time to time. Some of us numb more than others, and yet all of us numb. What does it mean to numb? Numbing is what we do to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings. It’s what we do when we are resisting feeling our true feelings about something. And usually, we resist our true feelings about something, because we have convinced ourselves that it would be too painful to feel our feelings, or that we might get overwhelmed by our feelings if we let ourselves feel them.

The interesting thing is that research has shown that it takes 90 seconds for a feeling to move through your body. We only really feel our feelings for 90 seconds. However, what we resist persists, so when we resist the feeling, it stays stuck in our body, and keeps coming up and the “pain” we experience from the feeling is actually the suffering we cause to ourselves through our own resistance to the feeling. It’s the mental and emotional energy required to resist feeling the feeling that has us feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted, not the feeling, because the feeling hasn’t been felt yet.

Because of this misunderstanding, most of us can be so afraid to feel our actual feelings, that we would rather opt to numb, instead of feel. And we numb in different ways. We can numb through alcohol and recreational drugs. We could numb through over-eating, or doom scrolling on social media, or watching mindless TV, or shopping compulsively in the hope that if we buy enough stuff, we will feel better.

These options mentioned above, are the typical “bad” ways we tend to numb, or the things we judge ourselves for or get judged for doing. However, there are other ways that people numb, that we tell ourselves are “good”, and yet, they are not “good” if we are using these things to numb our feelings. Overworking, over-exercising, over-doing, excessive busyness so we stay distracted, talking non-stop, or feeling the need to constantly be busy doing something, or to be entertained, a fear of silence and stillness, are also pointing us to the fact that we are numbing.

In fact, recently I discovered that one of the ways I numb, is by unconsciously overwhelming myself so that I am so busy that I don’t have time to slow down and ask myself what I want or need in any specific moment. This is numbing, because I’m avoiding the discomfort of checking in with myself about my own wants and needs. One of my clients recently shared that in an attempt to not feel her fear, she opts for the most daring, most out there dangerous and risky things she can think of, in the hope that she could outrun her fear. Ironically, the fear hasn’t gone away, it’s still there, patiently waiting to be felt.

So, dear reader, if you have been reading this and thinking that perhaps you don’t numb, because you don’t consume alcohol, you don’t use drugs, you are not on social media, you don’t shop incessantly, or you don’t overeat, before you gloat or judge others, consider how you might be over-exercising, overworking, over-doing, over-pleasing, or so involved in running other people’s lives that you have no time to slow down and notice what is going on in your own life.

One way that people pleasers distract themselves from their own pain or feelings, is by being so concerned and consumed by other people’s needs that they don’t have time for their own. For your consideration, if you are a people pleaser, this might be the way you numb. It’s far easier to focus on other people’s problems, than to get real with yourself about what YOU want or need, or to be with your own feelings and discomfort.

Addiction is an extreme form of chronic compulsive numbing to take the edge off and this usually happens when the person has convinced themselves that they are unable to handle their own life, and so the only option they see, is to escape from the pain of their life. And again, before you judge, we can be addicted to anything – even exercise or work, which tend to be socially acceptable forms of addiction, so we don’t notice that someone is actually struggling.

Something important to highlight from Brené Brown’s research though is that we cannot numb selectively. So, in other words, when we choose to numb fear, anxiety, worry, heartache, anger, we are also numbing joy, love, compassion, connection, excitement, enthusiasm and wonder at the same time. When we numb the dark, we also numb the light. The client I mentioned above, discovered the same thing. In an attempt to not feel her fear, she also doesn’t feel her anger, her sadness, her joy, her enthusiasm. She struggles to access compassion and loving for herself, because in attempting to selectively numb her fear, she has numbed her humanness.

When we avoid feeling the feelings that cause us pain or discomfort, we also block ourselves off from feeling the feelings that might uplift and restore us. That is how depression starts. We numb to the point where we can’t feel anything anymore. We become automatons moving through our lives, with no real experience of our lives, because we are not present to your own experiences in the moment.

We have feelings for a reason. Feelings give us access to the human experience. Feelings give us access to our inner landscape and lets us know how we are relating to Life and to our experiences. Feelings give us information about what we need to pay attention to in our lives.

You want to think of feelings as the lights on the dashboard of a car. The lights on the dashboard come on to signal to us what area of the car needs attention. So, for example, the fuel light will come on to notify us that we need gas, and that it’s time to refuel the car. The light is not the problem. It’s simply a messenger. If we ignore the light, we might end up on the side of the road with no gas in the car.

For that reason, we want to notice the light when it comes on, and slow down to figure out what it is trying to tell us, so we can address the area of our life that needs attention. The feeling will go away when the message has been delivered. Susan David says our feelings are data. They are not good or bad. They are simply data that tell us what is happening in our inner landscape. Feelings are helpful signposts that can lead us to understanding our own wants and needs better. However, we need to be willing to feel them.

So, what do we do if we recognise that we are numbing? Firstly, it’s important to notice it, and call it out. And then to get curious about what you are avoiding feeling. What’s the feeling you don’t want to feel? And what do you tell yourself about it? Remember that our feelings don’t cause us pain, our resistance to our feelings actually cause us pain. The purpose of a feeling is to be felt. And it takes 90 seconds for a feeling to move through our bodies.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown shares a beautiful way we can gradually learn to numb less and receive the data from our feelings that will support us in understanding ourselves better and navigating the world more authentically. She calls it The Vowel Check. You essentially use the vowels as an acronym to check in with yourself every day. Here is how it goes:

A – Abstinence. What is the thing I tend to turn to to numb most often? And how can I abstain from this thing? So, if it’s food or alcohol or drugs, I want to abstain. If it’s exercise or work, I might need to build checks in to know when I’m overdoing. For example, I might make an agreement with myself to stop work at 6 pm every day and then honour that agreement, no matter what.

E – Exercise. Did I exercise today? Did I move my body? Exercise helps us get out of our heads. It supports our bodies, and releases feel good hormones, so we feel less numb. Sometimes simply moving our bodies could get us into a different state mentally and emotionally.

I – What have I don for MYSELF today? Often numbing occurs because we are not attuned to our own wants and needs. Service that doesn’t include you, is incomplete. Paying attention to and taking care of your own needs and wants is a way that you can reduce the possibility of getting to a place of overwhelm or a place where you want to numb.

O – What have I don for OTHERS today? Nurturing our relationships with others means we also have love and support in our lives. It means we are not alone when we inevitably do have moments when we are facing difficulties.

U – Am I holding on to unexpressed emotions? What are the feelings I don’t want to feel, and how can I support myself in simply having my feelings? Here is where it’s helpful to keep in mind that it takes only 90 seconds to feel your feelings and to simply allow the feelings to move through your body. Unexpressed emotions can wreak havoc in our lives. They are like corked bottles that might uncork at the most unexpected and unplanned times. So, are you creating space for yourself to feel what you feel and work through what you are feeling?

Y – Yay! What is something good that has happened today? Gratitude is a countermeasure to numbing. When we practice gratitude, dissatisfaction cannot exist at the same time. Your perspective shifts when you ask yourself what is working or what went well, or what is ONE thing you are grateful for, especially on those days when it feels like everything is wrong. On the days when nothing goes the way you wanted it to go, looking for those moments of magic, or for the few things you are grateful for and appreciate, can help you shift your perspective in profound ways.

Conclusion

Our feelings are helpful barometers for what’s occurring for us on the inside. They are not bad and or wrong. Even the feelings that feel uncomfortable or “bad” to feel, are not bad. They are data. They give us insight into knowing ourselves, and our own wants and needs more.

We cannot numb selectively. When we attempt to numb the feelings, we are most afraid of or most resistant to feeling, we also numb our authentic expression in the world. When we numb our full authentic human experience, we create unnecessary suffering to ourselves and others. How can you lean into feeling your feelings just five percent more? How might you allow your own authentic human experience just five percent more?