If you are not excited and scared, are you even living?

Two weeks ago, I had my introductory call to the Summer of Love Retreat I will be attending with Kendra Cover this Summer. I also launched THRIVE that same week. What stood out in both groups was that there was both fear and excitement. All the women who will be attending the Summer of Love Retreat (including myself) and the women in THRIVE expressed that they felt excited and scared at the same time.

On the Summer of Love Retreat call, Kendra said something that got me thinking. She said, “If you are not excited and scared some of the time, are you even living?”

When I started my coaching business, I was terrified. At the same time, I also felt excited and hopeful. I was scared of the unknown, and yet, I knew that I needed to take the next steps that would have me launch my business, because the alternative – staying stuck where I was, was far worse. The horror and frustration of staying stuck where I was and still being in the exact same place a year later, was more terrifying than the fear of starting something new, even though I did not have any guarantees that anything would turn out the way I wanted it to turn out.

In life there are no guarantees. Uncertainty is part of life. So often, we trick ourselves by thinking that we cannot move forward unless we have certainty. And of course, that just keeps you stuck for longer, because you will never have absolute certainty about anything. Any step you take in life has risk attached to it.

Every choice means we are saying no to other options on the table. And every choice has the potential to not get us what we want. However, what I have learnt over time is that we truly do regret the things we don’t do far more than the things we actually do – even if the things we do don’t get us the results we were hoping for.

There are a few assumptions, if held as beliefs, can get us stuck for a long time:

• I can’t begin until I have certainty.
• I’m supposed to know what I want.
• I’m supposed to know how to do it.
• I’m not supposed to ask for help.
• I’m supposed to know how to do this by myself.
• Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing is akin to admitting that I’m a failure.
• Asking for help is weak.
• Not knowing is bad.
• I should always know exactly what I want and where I’m going.

Let’s look at each of these a little closer. If you believe that you can’t begin until you have certainty, then you will neve begin, because there is no way to ever get to a point of absolute certainty. Not even after death. No-one even knows what happens after death. Life is designed to be uncertain, and part of the adventure of life is taking risks, not knowing how it will all turn out, not knowing what will happen in the future, and not knowing if we will succeed.

If you are always supposed to know what you want, then you never get to discover something new about yourself, or experience what it’s like to not know and to let it unfold. You never get to try new things and discover what you don’t want or don’t like, because you are supposed to already know what you want.

If you are already supposed to know how to do everything, then there is never any opportunity to learn something new or grow in ways you never expected to. If we hold on to only that which we already know, we limit ourselves in painful ways.

Now, granted, to be willing to admit that you don’t know anything, and open yourself up to learning something new, you have to be willing to let your Ego die an Ego death and let go of the attachment to looking smart, looking like you have it all figured out, looking like you always have it together.

Some of the most interesting and lovely people I have met in my life, are pure innocence and curiosity. They show up with a hunger for learning and discovering something new, and they have no Ego attachments to needing to look smart. There is courage, humility, leadership, and wisdom in being willing to admit you don’t know everything and being willing to stay teachable.

I used to define courage as grit and strength, and as not showing any weakness, until I realized that by hiding my weaknesses and vulnerability, I was actually being cowardly. Courage is the willingness to be open and vulnerable, even in the face of uncertainty, even when we risk looking foolish. It’s the willingness to play full out, knowing that there are no guarantees, no-one has all the answers, and we can only win if we are willing to risk.

In this culture that praises fierce independence to the point of isolation, it takes tremendous courage to not only ask for help, but be willing to open yourself up to actually receiving the help you need.

And when I talk about receiving help, I’m not just talking about getting advice. I’m talking about letting yourself be seen, held, supported, encouraged, championed, and being willing to let someone tell you the truth about what they observe in your thoughts and behaviours – a trusted person who has your best interests at heart, believes in you, and wants you to succeed.

Having someone like that in your corner can be a game changer. It was for me. Letting myself be loved and supported was the biggest gift I ever gave myself, and it required the courage to be vulnerable, and to admit that I needed support in the first place. It required letting go of my need for fierce independence, and move towards collaboration and interdependence.

Alison Armstrong says you can get along without partnership and support as long as you don’t want to get up to something big in the world. If you want to create a legacy, or have a bigger impact, you will never do it by yourself. You need partnership. You need support, because we are capable of so much more together than we can ever be by ourselves.

Also, you will not let anyone love you more than you are willing to love yourself. You will not let anyone take care of you more or support you more than you are willing to do for yourself, so sometimes the biggest opportunity of your life is removing any barriers you have put in the way of receiving love and support.

Those barriers may have been created in a time when you felt unsafe, and they were really necessary, and you will never live your biggest, most fulfilling life, if you keep those barriers there. Our healing and growth depend on the willingness to remove the barriers that we have put in the way of our own happiness and fulfillment. Our healing and growth depend on our willingness to rebuild trust with ourselves, with Life, and with others.

This is what the women in THRIVE are up to. They are courageously looking at the way they have constructed barriers that are blocking them from truly thriving. This is what I am doing in my own growth and development. I am slowly but surely removing the barriers to love, connection, joy, and fulfillment that I have put there because I was afraid.

And it’s scary. It’s terrifying sometimes. It’s hard to be honest with yourself. It’s hard to face the truth of how you allow, promote, and create results that don’t work for you anymore. And personally, I believe it’s harder to stay stuck where you are, unwilling to look at the barriers, because that path guarantees a life of stunted joy and creativity.

So, I will ask again, if you are not excited and scared some of the time, are you even living? Or are you merely existing, and waiting to get off this train called Life? What is a truth that scares you, but that would change the direction of your life, if you were willing to face it?