Worry is a misuse of the imagination

Recently I asked whether your permacrisis has become a state of being? I received quite the response from this community about that article. And so today, I want to say more about it from a different perspective. I want to talk about worry and anxiety.

I am by nature an anxious person. I used to spend a lot of my time worrying about… everything, really. And for many years I simply thought that that was my personality, and that nothing could be done about it. I figured I would be a stressed and anxious person for the rest of my life.

It wasn’t until I started working with my coach that I realised that that was simply a story I was living into. I was turning the thought, “I’m an anxious person”, into a reality in my life, by living into that story, and by choosing to respond to situations in my life from a place of worry and anxiety. I remember proudly telling my coach that I was an Ennea 6 on the Enneagram and that that meant that I am anxious by nature. My coach did not buy into my story. And I’m so grateful that she didn’t.

Because the truth is, that we can change the way we relate to things. I can change the story I tell myself. And I can be calm and focused during challenging situations. Where that became most clear to me, was when I was pregnant with my son in 2020.

My first pregnancy with my daughter was a stressful time, riddled with anxiety and worry. I had intrauterine fibroids which complicated the pregnancy, and the doctors kept telling me that my daughter would be born prematurely. Even though I was physically healthy, my internal experience during that time was one of stress, worry, and concern. I spent days and nights worrying about all the things that could go wrong. I spent a lot of time crying, and worrying about how it could all go wrong.

Did that help me prepare for the birth of my daughter? Not at all. No amount of worry or anxiety could have adequately prepared me for how the whole experience actually unfolded. And a lot of the things I had worried about did not transpire, and some things transpired that I could not have anticipated. And so, what did I do? I did what anyone would do in that situation; I handled what came across my path as it came across my path.

When I look back on that time, I’m in awe at what I navigated and at my own strength and resilience during a challenging time in my life. My daughter was born early, but not nearly as early as the doctors had said. She was in neonatal ICU, and I experienced tremendous heartache and loneliness in those first few days, because I could not hold her or feed her. It made my post-surgery recovery more difficult, because I didn’t have the distraction of taking care of her.

And what got me through that time, was LOVE. My love for her, my longing to connect and bond with her, drove me to wheel myself to the neonatal ICU with my drip in tow, and ask to see my daughter. It willed me to express milk for her, and to persist in showing up. It motivated me to get up and walk, to recover as quickly as possible so I could be there for her when she came home. My love for her, my bond with her, kept me tethered through post-surgery recovery, mastitis, and difficulties with breastfeeding.

And in those moments when I had no idea what to do, I finally reached out for help. I asked questions and kept asking for help until I could figure out what I needed to do. And today my bond with my daughter is stronger than ever. I never gave up on her. I never gave up on US. I chose not to quit. And I also laugh at myself now when I realise that I worried about all the wrong things – things that I could not have controlled. The things I had to navigate in the end, where things that weren’t even on my radar while I was consumed by all my worrying.

When I discovered that I was pregnant with my son in 2020, I said to my coach that I was “cautiously optimistic” and she asked me what I meant by that. I told her that we were excited about the baby, but we didn’t want to get too excited, because we were afraid of what might go wrong. And she then said something that woke me up from my worried frenzy. She pointed out to me that if I spent the next few months worrying about all the things that could go wrong but haven’t gone wrong yet, I would be missing out on the joy in THIS moment. I would be missing out on the celebration, the joy, the loving, the connection, the wonder that was available in THIS moment.

And she was so right. At that moment, there was nothing wrong. And I also had some lived experience that told me that no amount of worry would prepare me for how the experience would unfold. I also knew that I didn’t want to miss out on the wonder of my pregnancy again, because I was so busy worrying about all the things that could potentially go wrong. By that time, I knew that I would not be able to predict the things that would need my attention.

So, I chose a different path. I chose to release my worry, and to only focus on what was right in front of me. My second pregnancy was a calm and joyful time. I was so much more relaxed. And I want to share, that it was in the middle of a global pandemic. It was at the height of the pandemic, when we were in full lockdown, and millions of people were getting sick and dying.

It took a lot of inner work for me to not get swooped up in all the worry, all the drama, into a state of permacrisis. I remember at the start of the pandemic, when everyone was panic buying, we were avoiding busy stores, and we lost out on the opportunity to buy toilet paper. And our next-door neighbour brought us some toilet paper. Life provided at a time when I could do nothing else but focus on keeping myself healthy and my baby safe.

There was so much uncertainty during this time. I attended each doctor visit alone. And we had no idea whether my husband would be allowed to be at our son’s birth. And yet, I stayed focused on just the moment in front of me that I could control. I chose not to panic about what could or might go wrong.

I planned what I could and let go of the rest. And even our plans did not work out. I was scheduled for a caesarean and went into labour four days before my scheduled surgery. So, we went into the unknown, showing up at the hospital, unsure of how things would unfold. There were parts of my son’s birth that was hugely traumatic, and yet, I am still proud of myself for how I stayed focused on what mattered most, and on who I wanted to be during that whole process.

And again, LOVE is what got me through. All alone – with no assistance from any hospital staff – I walked myself to neonatal ICU to be with my son. I asked to see my son, and refused to leave until I was allowed to be with him. I checked myself out of hospital early to go home, because I knew I would be better able to recover and take care of my son at home.

I learnt who I was in that experience, and what I’m capable of. I learnt that there is no force more powerful than LOVE, and that we humans can overcome tremendous obstacles, when we are clear on our purpose or on what we want to create or accomplish, even under the most difficult of circumstances. In the words of Victor Frankl, between stimulus and response, there is a space where you get to choose. And in that space lies your freedom. When faced with unavoidable suffering, the thing that gets us through, is the attitude we choose to take in those critical moments.

When I gave birth to my son, I learnt that I’m NOT an anxious person. I’m brave. I’m courageous. I’m tough. I’m resilient. I’m strong, and powerful. I’m love. I am presence. I am the creator of my experience on the inside, even when I don’t control what’s happening on the outside.

So, in those moments when you feel the anxiety creeping in, when you feel like worry might consume you, it’s worthwhile to consider what Steve Chandler says about worry. He says that worry is a misuse of the imagination. According to Steve, “If something is bothering you in any way, and you catch yourself that you are about to open a fresh can of worrying, then ask yourself: What can I do about this right now?”

What actions can I take, right NOW? What needs to be done about it in THIS moment? If there is an action that can be taken right now – however small – take it. Take the first step towards changing the situation you are unhappy about. And if there is no action you can conceive of after brainstorming on it, then let the worry go, because it doesn’t serve you.

Often in spending time imagining what might go wrong in the future, we rob ourselves of the joy that is available to us right now in THIS moment. When Michelle Bauman was dying of cancer, she decided that she would no longer worry about things that hadn’t happened yet. Just like me, she had discovered through her own experience, that no amount of worry prepared her for what would actually unfold.

And she knew she was going to have some hard and challenging days ahead, and she reasoned that she wanted to live through the hard days only ONCE. When we worry, we live through the hard days more than once – i.e., multiple times in our imagination, and then in real-life when the things we could not have anticipated occur. Michelle Bauman reasoned that it was going to be hard enough living through those difficult moments in real-life, she didn’t want to do practice runs in her head. And my sense is that is some good logic right there.

In the lovely children’s book, The Worrysaurus, by Rachel Bright and Chris Chatterton, a little dinosaur plans a picnic and then starts to worry about the possibility of rain, even though the skies are clear. He feels the need to run and hide from the approaching storm, and yet no storm is approaching. So, the little dinosaur remembers what his mom told him about worry butterflies. He spends some time with the things that bring him the most joy, and he tells himself: “Since the sun is shining, why worry it will rain?… when you’re in the moment, there’s no need to run or hide.”

To quote Eckhart Tolle: “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” If there’s no solution in this moment, then there’s no problem right now. There is just your imagination running wild like a worry butterfly. And the best thing to do in the moment, is to chase the worry butterfly away, so that you can be present in THIS moment. Stay in the game of life, and when the hard times come, you will discover that you are braver, stronger, more resilient, and more innovative than you thought you were. We are all naturally resourceful, creative, and whole.