“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” ― Anne Lamott
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” ― Brené Brown
Recently a client shared with me how stressful she finds the holidays. I invited her to tell me more and she shared that she tends to go into overdrive during the holidays. She wants everything to be perfect, and that usually means that she refuses to accept any help. She also finds that she turns into a control freak and people tend to avoid being around her when she is preparing for the holidays.
We slowed it down and I asked her what has her feeling so stressed and pushing so hard. She said, “unrealistic expectations of perfection”. I asked her who is placing these expectations upon her. My client is very self-aware, so she immediately recognised that she was placing these expectations on herself. No-one else was asking her to do all the things she commits herself to doing during the holiday season. She was doing this to herself.
And this is how it’s like for many of us over the holiday period. I tend to notice this more with women and caregivers than with men. During the holiday season, some women put tremendous pressure on themselves to cook huge Christmas dinners, make desserts, shop like maniacs for Christmas gifts, and essentially burn themselves out trying to please everyone.
Where does this come from? Why do we do it? My sense is that it is deeply ingrained in our culture. Many cultures cast women as the caregivers and what that tends to mean, is that women are responsible for cooking, cleaning, and tending to everyone’s needs. Over the holidays this is amplified through the expectation that we are supposed to do it all by ourselves. We are supposed to prepare the perfect meal and buy thoughtful gifts for every member of the family. We are supposed to get up early and slave away in the kitchen and prepare elaborate meals and desserts for people to feast on. And we are supposed to do it all while being smartly dressed and with smiles on our faces. We are supposed to love taking care of everyone else.
Without us even realising it, we adopt the beliefs and values of our mothers and grandmothers, and we continue traditions that don’t always serve us or our families. I’m not saying don’t cook a meal for your family or don’t buy gifts for your loved ones. If these things bring you joy and they are your choice, then do them with enthusiasm and disregard anything I say here.
However, if part of why you do all you do over the holidays is because you feel obligated or because you are trying to please others or win approval, then you want to slow that down to consider where that comes from. What has you wanting to please to the point of self-depletion?
So often I catch myself sacrificing my own joy, and harmony for the sake of perfection. I strive for completely impossible or unattainable standards of perfection and push myself too hard. And ironically, I also end up resenting those around me for not giving me a hand or for expecting these things from me. When I slow it down, I realise that of course no-one is expecting this of me. I’m placing those expectations on myself.
And even if others do expect me to be the perfect housewife, caregiver, or Christmas festive maker, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I agreed to it. Somehow, it has become this tacit agreement that we hold ourselves to. And yet, when we slow it down, did you ever sign on a dotted line or agree that you would be solely responsible for creating the magic of Christmas or Hannukah or any other holiday celebration for your family? Did you ever explicitly sign up to be the holiday cheer giver?
What is actually happening here, is that we are operating on expectations instead of agreements. Steve Chandler has a beautiful audio on this that I share with all my clients. Steve explains that we have two choices in life when we relate to other human beings. I can either have expectations of others. Or I can create agreements with others.
Being able to recognise that I have this choice to either have expectations or make clear agreements can be life changing. For most of my clients, learning this distinction for the first time is like waking up from a deep zombie state. It sounds so obvious, and yet, they all ask themselves why they didn’t realise this sooner?
And of course, it also sounds simpler than it is, because once they start putting it into practice, they start bumping up against other people’s expectations and the expectations that are deeply imbedded into our social fabric. They find themselves being confronted with the tacit agreements they have created with their family, friends, and loved ones about the roles they would play. And often when we are no longer willing to participate in the roles we have tacitly agreed to play, this causes upset for others. You are essentially disregarding the social contract.
This is not necessarily a “bad” thing. Getting clarity on agreements, or having clearer boundaries, or inviting others to co-create and carry some of the responsibility for the experiences we all end up having, is a gift. It might be the greatest gift you give someone – the gift of responsibility and choice. When I give myself permission to choose; when I stay in integrity with myself, I also give others in my life permission to do the same.
Steve postulates that expectations are toxic, and they ruin your chances of having sustainable relationships with others. When I build my life on the rocky foundation of expectations, I set myself up to be constantly disappointed by those around me, because the truth is that no-one can read my mind. No-one knows what I expect or what I want, unless I make my expectations clear through a request.
And even when I make a request, the other person is free to choose whether they want to agree to my request or not. They get to say YES or NO. And I need to be ok with either choice. Holding a grudge against the other person for not wanting to agree to my request, is like holding myself hostage to a false reality.
Being on the receiving end of expectations is just as toxic. Think about any situation where you have tried to live up to the expectations of others. This is exactly what was playing out with my client and her attempts at creating the perfect holiday experience for everyone. All that ends up happening, is you end up feeling resentful towards the very people you are trying to please. There is this experience of not being truly seen, valued, or appreciated.
And if you are the person holding expectations of others, how you experience their efforts, is that they either do what you expected, or they disappoint you. Not understanding that it is unreasonable in the first place to expect anything, places you in the interesting position, where you are unable to appreciate the effort someone else has put into please you or win your appreciation or approval, because you are taking for granted as fact that they had wanted to please you without checking in with them about whether they really wanted to grant your often unspoken request or not.
I have an annoying pair of twins that tend to ruin most happy occasions or special events for me. I’ve noticed that I love to invite the P Twins to special events or family gatherings. The P Twins are Perfectionism and Pleasing. I strive for perfectionism and put tremendous pressure on myself to get an insane number of things done, all the while thinking these things are important for us to have a meaningful Christmas or New Years. The truth is these things tend to send me into a spiral of stress and I become a monster. No-one wants to be around me when my Perfectionist self is running the show, and I’m miserable too.
And then there is the need to please. The need to earn approval. The need to hear that I did enough or that I am enough. I bend over backwards and sacrifice my own needs to please others in the hope that they will appreciate all the sacrifices I have made, only to be disillusioned by the fact that they didn’t even notice how hard I was trying. This of course leads to resentment. Why does everyone else get to rest and have fun and I have to work so hard?!
So, these twins tend to wreak complete havoc in my life when I invite them to special occasions. The expectations I hold about how the holidays are supposed to unfold, is what has me feeling angry, resentful, disappointed, or disillusioned in the end.
When I choose presence, joy, love, and gratitude over perfection and control, I tend to go in with NO expectations of how things are supposed to unfold. Having no expectations has me be pleasantly surprised at the magic that is there in the moment. And every moment is special, because it’s not pre-planned or pre-anticipated. It simply unfolds as it needs to.
In the conversation with my client, we discovered that she has her own set of P Twins that tend to show up during the holiday season. In conversations with some of my other clients, we have discovered a pair of P and A Twins – i.e., Perfectionism and Achievement – and even a pair of P and C Twins – i.e., Perfectionism and Control. No matter how your Saboteurs choose to partner up over the holidays, my invitation is to consider not having them host the party.
Instead, what if they could just be like that annoying aunt who everyone invites but no-one one spends too much time talking to, simply because her negativity drains your energy. You invite her, because she is family, but she doesn’t get to host the party, because that would just lead to chaos. Instead, you let your wiser self host the party and you allow the P Twins to keep things interesting without turning it completely unpleasant.
And what if instead of having expectations this holiday season, you made ONE request of someone – one request for help or one request of something YOU would like – and stay curious to see how it unfolds? Can you have no expectations of another, and open yourself up to be totally surprised by how generous and loving someone else can be…?