What does it mean to be a Hero?

The other day I fetched my 6-year old daughter from school and she proudly shared with me how she shared her stuffy with a friend in class…

So, let me back up a bit and explain. My daughter is in Grade 1. And on the last day of school before Spring break, they had a PJ’s and movie day at school. Part of the pajama thing was that they were allowed to take a stuffed animal or play toy (otherwise known as a “stuffy”) of their choice to school.

We recently returned from a trip to Florida where we visited a manatee sanctuary and bought my daughter a mermaid doll holding a miniature manatee. She was very excited to take this mermaid doll and manatee to school to show to her friends.

One of her friends forgot their stuffed animal at home and was quite heartbroken about it. So, my daughter, Emma, shared her toy with her friend. She told me that she reasoned she had two toys in one and could easily share. I figured she probably gave her friend the miniature manatee and hung on to the mermaid, because she has been attached to the hip with this mermaid since she got it. It’s been her favourite toy for the past two weeks. I asked out of curiosity and was quite surprised when she said that she let her friend play with the mermaid. So, I asked what made her decide that.

And here is where my heart almost exploded with pride and joy. Emma then said, “I figured I have the whole Spring break to play with my mermaid. She only gets to play with her for one day, and so today was special for her. I chose kindness today, Mommy.”

And I responded with, “I hear you. That’s so great, that you are living your values. I acknowledge you for choosing kindness.”

So, I need to pause the story here, to also share that, yes, I have conversations with my 6-year-old about what her values are and how she lives her values in the world. And one of her core values – self-chosen – is kindness. She wants to be a kind person in the world.

Emma then continued to amaze and surprise me. She said that above their classroom door there is a poster that reads, “Be Your Own Hero” and so, she figured she would be her own hero. She said that’s what inspired her to share her toy with her friend.

So, why am I sharing all of this with you? Is it just to tell you how amazing my daughter is. Not really. I have found that all kids are amazing if you take the time to have a conversation with them. I have heard more wisdom come out of my 6-year old’s mouth than I’ve heard from most adults. Kids are wise sometimes. They have profound insights into things. And they notice more than we realise.

Why I’m sharing this with you, is because that whole conversation got me thinking how often we forget to be our own heroes in life, how often we forget that we get to create who we want to be in the world.

And this brings me to another deeper question: What is a hero anyway? Marvel and DC have taught us that heroes are special. They have incredible strength and supernatural powers, and they perform outrageous acts of courage. So, we tend to think that an average person can’t possibly be a hero. Heroes are special somehow, so they can’t be average people.

What’s sad to me about this, is that we then tend to downplay our own significant acts of courage and our own outstanding achievements. At least I know I’ve done that. This has become more apparent to me over the last two months.

In September last year, I joined one of the best coaching schools in the world. I’m deeply committed to my own growth and learning as a professional coach. Attending this school had been on my bucket list for more than a year. In January, I attended my first live class in this school and one of the things I was challenged to do was to learn how to tell client success stories with myself as the hero. For some reason, that felt awkward to me and I struggled with it.

I realise now that what had been going on for me, is that I had a distorted definition of what it means to be a hero, and I simply could not see myself as one, because I am in no way special or extraordinary. I am courageous, yes. I am committed, yes. I am willing to get out of my comfort zone, yes. AND I’m not special, because I don’t have any special superpowers that make me better than anyone else.

For the past two months, I’ve been in my own process around this, and I’ve been challenged to really reconsider how I see myself and the value that I bring. I was also invited by one of my coaches at the school to share more about my story in service to others. Up to the point where I was challenged, I had not been willing to share much of my story, because I did not want to draw attention to myself. It was only when my coach pointed out to me that telling my story could be of service to others, that I could get on board with the idea, because I realised that there might be people like me who need to hear my story to know that if I could do it, so can they.

In fact, I know this to be true, because of the clients I work with. My clients are all incredibly courageous and committed people. They have overcome a lot in their lives and, in many ways, have done the impossible. They are trail blazers and cycle breakers, and often me sharing my story with them, has helped them feel inspired to forge ahead in their own journeys.

What finally helped me start to think differently about this, was a conversation I had with another one of my coaches in the school. I admire him for how far he has come and for the incredible things he has had to overcome to create a beautiful and incredible life for himself. I admire his transparency in sharing his struggles. He does not sugar coat things or skip the hard parts of the story. He shares the hard parts of the story in service of those of us who really need to hear it and take inspiration from it. And in a conversation with him, he pointed out to me that perhaps it was time that I change the way I relate to the word “hero”.

The dictionary defines a hero as “a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.” And what my coach shared with me is that a hero is in no way special. We do not resonate with stories of people with superpowers, because it doesn’t make it real for us. However, we resonate deeply with stories about average people doing extraordinary things. Average people having the courage to commit themselves fully to healing and transforming their lives. Average people who overcome a lot and continue to live their lives with deep gratitude and grace. We find inspiration in that because it makes it real for us. We feel like it’s possible for us too.

And I can absolutely get on board with that. If I think about my greatest heroes, they are just that – average people with extraordinary courage. Someone who has been epitomized as an all-time hero, is Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela (Madiba) was an average person with a big heart and a firm commitment to freedom. He was courageous enough to speak out and take a stand. AND what made him extraordinary, was the deep inner work he had done that got him to a point where he was able to forgive his persecutors, and choose the higher road of forgiveness and reconciliation. He held tightly to a vision of unity, healing, and grace, and he led a whole nation of people through a transition that many feared was impossible. He was an average person who did the seemingly impossible. And that made him a hero. He lived his life with integrity. He made the hard choices that would have him stay in integrity with his own values, even if those choices made him unpopular.

Victor Frankl was an average person who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. He faced horrors that very few humans today still face. What made Victor Frankl a hero, was his determination to get out of the concentration camp and have a positive impact on the world, and his commitment to not let his story be one of victimhood and suffering, but one of overcoming and triumph. He lost everything on the outside – including his whole family. And on the inside, he held on to his conviction that there is one human freedom that no-one can ever take from you – the freedom to choose your response to any situation.

Victor Frankl had a deep understanding of the truth that the issue isn’t the issue. It’s how we relate to the issue and to ourselves as we go through the issue that’s the real issue. What kept him sane during his years spent in imprisonment, was his conviction that his life had meaning, and that he would do something with the experiences he was having that would serve others. And he did. When he was finally freed from the Nazi concentration camps, having lost all of his loved ones, he chose the most courageous path. He chose to have his suffering mean something and serve others, instead of making himself a victim of his circumstances.

Of course, this took tremendous courage and commitment, AND Victor Frankl didn’t have any superpowers. If he had had superpowers, he may have been able to save himself and others from the concentration camps. He did save himself though by how he talked to himself, by how he chose to think about his experiences, and by never giving up hope that he would get out and that he would have his freedom back.

And Frankl changed the world of psychology. He is known as the father of the Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy. He used his experiences in the concentration camps to create Logo therapy – or meaning therapy – and his work has had such a profound impact on so many people. He did the seemingly impossible.

Steve Chandler – who people now call “The Godfather of Coaching” – was an addict. He spent the first part of his life struggling with debilitating shame about his own weaknesses and inadequacies. He struggled with money and debt, and ended up raising for kids by himself after his wife became mentally ill. Steve was socially awkward and had a hard time getting up and speaking in front of a room of people.

And today, people call him The Godfather of Coaching. He is one of the biggest gifts to this work and this industry, and his story of how he dropped his victim story and chose to become the owner of his own life, is truly inspiring. Steve has demonstrated that it’s possible for anyone to overcome their fears and build a successful coaching business built on service. And he did it through choosing to heal his own past trauma, and commit himself fully to creating the life he wanted.

Steve had to undo a lot of learning that didn’t serve him, and he had to take courageous action in his life, and he is all the better for it. People think he is special in some way, and upon meeting him for the first time, he will make it clear that he is not special in any way. The only difference between him and any other person, is his courage and his commitment to his own growth and learning. He is willing to do what’s hard and it has resulted in him creating a life that seemed impossible to him in the beginning of his journey. An average person choosing courageous action, and to many of us in the coaching world, he is our biggest hero.

And my coach, Jonny Roman, who helped me see the true definition of a hero, has lived a life that speaks to the same thing. He is an average person, who has done the seemingly impossible. He made choices about who he wanted to be. He did the inner work to heal his own trauma, to change how he related to money, and to show up to his life in ways that would have a positive impact on those around him. And what he has created is truly extraordinary.

At one point in his life, Jonny was financially bankrupt. He was an underpaid Uber driver barely scraping by. Today he is a successful life coach, who has built a business, married an incredible woman, and created a beautiful family. He is an adventurepreneur who travels all over the world with his family, and his work is truly impactful. Jonny did the seemingly impossible by simply being himself and making the hard choices in his life to heal from his past trauma, and to transform the way he related to himself and his life. Jonny is a hero.

I could share more stories here. In fact, I wish I could share each of my clients’ stories, because they are all heroes I my eyes. And for now, I will leave you with this. Hero’s come in all shapes and sizes. And we all get to be the hero of our own story. Your life is your blank canvas. You get to paint any story you want. We all have spiritual curriculum to complete here on earth. We are all here to learn something; to grow something in ourselves. When you heed the call, you become the hero of your own story. When you don’t heed the call, you avoid the journey that would make you the hero of your own story.