The true meaning of Resilience

A few months ago, I wrote about how to cultivate resilience. Although most of what I shared in that article is true, I do feel like I need to expand on the idea of resilience a bit. I recently completed my training as a Certified Resilience Coach through the Leadership Wellness Group in Canada. Most of what I learned in the program, was not new to me. I’ve worked with these concepts and ideas for many years – especially during my time as a university lecturer, specialising in Organisational Behaviour and Organisational Wellness. Now, working as a coach, this knowledge has served me well in supporting my clients in cultivating their own resilience.

I think the main way in which my thinking about resilience has changed, is in how I talk to my clients about it. People often mistakenly think that resilience is a character or personality trait or that overcoming difficult situations or circumstances, makes you resilient. However, I have realised two important things about resilience. Firstly, resilience is not a personality trait that some people possess, and others don’t. Resilience – just like emotional agility or mental agility – can be learned.  And secondly, it’s not overcoming difficult situations or circumstances that makes you resilient. In fact, it’s the other way around, it’s if and when you are resilient that you are able to overcome challenges or difficult situations. Let me explain.

Why resilience is not a personality trait

Martin Seligman has taught us that some people are naturally more optimistic than others and thus, some people look at the glass and view it as half full, while others see it as half empty. Naturally, those with a more positive outlook might show up as more resilient in life, since they are able to see the silver lining in a difficult situation.

However, Seligman also demonstrated through his research that helplessness is learned and that anyone can learn to become more optimistic. You can shift your setpoint through conscious and voluntary control. Of course, it’s not easy. Our habits are deeply ingrained. So, shifting from helplessness to optimism, would require a deep commitment and willingness to examine your own beliefs, and to rewire your brain over time to replace old dysfunctional beliefs with new and empowering beliefs. This is completely possible. It just requires time, a strong commitment and possibly the support of a coach. (*Note that when you have the support of someone like a coach or an accountability partner, your chances of succeeding increases from around 40% to 95%. Yes, the support of a coach does make quite a significant difference.)

I’ve seen this happen in my own clients. Once they see the stories they tell themselves more clearly, they are able to rewrite their stories, and cultivate beliefs and mental habits that serve them instead of undermine their efforts at self-improvement. I have successfully supported clients in managing their anxiety and fear, and in breaking free from procrastination habits that had kept them stuck for years.

So, even though you might have a natural predisposition that leans towards worry or negative thinking, this doesn’t have to determine the course of your life. You can learn how to cultivate a more positive mindset and build your mental resilience over time. I actually agree with Steve Chandler when he says that people often use personality as an excuse to stay stuck in old habits and to not change their behaviour when they know it would serve them to do so.

Why cultivating resilience helps you overcome difficult situations and circumstances

You don’t become resilient because you overcome difficult circumstances. You first ARE resilient and that helps you to face difficult circumstances. How do I know this? Because there are many people who do not bounce back from difficult circumstances. In fact, they go through life completely defeated, and telling a story of victimhood. If their difficult circumstances made them resilient, they would have bounced back and taken control of their lives, but they don’t. So, why do some people bounce back, and others don’t?

As Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson tell us in their book, Resilient, true resilience is much more than enduring terrible conditions. They believe we need resilience every day to raise a family, work at a job, cope with stress, deal with health problems, navigate issues with others, heal from old pain, and simply keep on going. To cultivate tenacity, we need to grow inside ourselves the capacity for grit, gratitude, and compassion. These are the keys to resilience and lasting wellbeing in an ever-changing world.

We can choose to live with more gratitude and compassion and to keep at the things we value, because they matter enough. It’s a personal choice. Seeing it as a choice makes you the owner or author of your life, instead of the victim of circumstance. You overcome your brain’s negativity bias, release painful thoughts and feelings, and replace them with self-compassion, self-worth, joy, and inner peace.

Dimensions of resilience

Resilience actually consists of four different dimensions: Physical Mastery, Growth Mindset, Connection, and Intentional Living.

Physical Mastery

Physical Mastery lays the foundation for resilience. It ensures that we have the physical energy and stamina to keep going when life inevitably brings us challenges. The three core components to building physical mastery, is sleep, mindful eating, and a practice of regular movement. In the Energy Blueprint, Ari Whitten explains the science behind these three cornerstones of good health and sustained energy. Without deep restful sleep, the right fuel for our bodies, and regular movement, we feel tired, depleted, drained and our mood is low. These habits are things we all know we should incorporate into our lives, but how many of us actually do it and do it consciously?

What I’ve learnt from my resilience coaching practice, is that common sense is not always common practice. Just because something is common sense, doesn’t mean that you actually practice it as a regular habit. In fact, we often ignore common sense – to our own detriment of course. So, the first step in cultivating resilience, is to honour the wonder that is your body. Honour what it gives you and take care of it. Without your physical strength, none of the other things are possible.

When we fall ill and our bodies don’t function the way they are meant to, we become incapacitated in life; we cannot achieve our most important goals and more importantly, enjoy our lives. So, it starts with sleep, healthy eating, and exercise not just for the sake of it, but as a way to demonstrate respect for yourself and your body. It is the ultimate gratitude practice if you think about it. Without this body, you can’t navigate this world, so why not thank it by taking good care of it?

Growth Mindset

I’ve found that a growth mindset, is what most people equate with resilience. Resilient people are naturally optimistic. They have a positive mental attitude. They look at failures and challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, and often they turn negative happenings in their lives into opportunities to thrive. What we neglect to notice, is that this growth mindset starts with the foundation of physical mastery. When we feel tired and depleted, it is more difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life. So, you want to set yourself up for success, by first cultivating your physical mastery.

The growth mindset that characterises resilient people is much more than simply having a positive attitude or saying positive affirmations to yourself. The core ingredients for a resilient mindset are gratitude and mindfulness. When we practice gratitude, we teach our brains to focus on what’s good in our life, instead of what’s bad. We focus our mental energy on what we have; not on what we lack. I think Lynne Twist says it best when she says, “what you appreciate appreciates”. When you notice what is good in your life, when you live with a thankful heart, your capacity for joy expands.

How do we learn to live with gratitude? This is where the practice of mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness, in its most basic form, requires paying attention to what is. Pay attention to your life in the here and now. Notice your surroundings. Use your senses to really see, hear, taste, smell and feel what’s here. Notice what happens when you slow down and take it all in. Notice what happens when you stop chasing something that is not here right now and just appreciate this moment right here. What’s different? Most of what causes us so much pain and displeasure, is actually not here. We create most of our own discomfort by what we think about. When we spend time ruminating over past mistakes or worrying about the future that has not come yet, we rob ourselves of the joy that is available to us in the present moment.

Connection

Another important factor in cultivating resilience that is often overlooked, is the importance of connection and of having a support structure. We are social creatures. We don’t exist – in fact cannot exist – in isolation. Our survival depends on love and belonging. Even the most extreme introverts and hermits among us, still need at least one person they can reach out to for support. We often underestimate the value of having strong and supportive relationships in our lives to help us through the more challenging and difficult seasons of life. And yet, research has demonstrated over and over that those who have strong social ties, are more likely to bounce back from setbacks.

In fact, the importance of having someone to love or someone who accepts, supports, and loves you, is so important, that Victor Frankl mentions it as one of the core ways to find meaning in life. Frankl explains that we can find meaning in one of three ways.  Firstly, we find meaning through doing or creating something of value – i.e., in our work or the legacy of what we leave behind in this world.

Secondly, our greatest meaning and joy may be derived from loving someone more than we love ourselves – i.e., through loving and supportive relationships and wanting someone else to live with freedom and joy. Most parents will know what I’m talking about here. When you become a parent, you often realise for the first time what it’s like to love another human being more than you love yourself. Most parents would do anything – even sacrifice their own lives or their own happiness – for their children.

Lastly, we can derive meaning from the attitude we take when faced with unavoidable suffering – i.e., how we choose to show up to life’s challenges. It’s basically the distinction between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Choosing a growth mindset, releases us from the pain and turmoil and helps us focus on what could be, what we could learn, what we could create, or how we will overcome whatever we are faced with.

Living for those we love can be quite meaningful. When we choose to live fully and be our best selves for others, we can thrive in ways never imagined. Don’t underestimate the tremendous value of having a support structure of friends, mentors and even a coach, to support your greatest aspirations in life and to serve as soundboards and cheerleaders as you navigate challenges. There is value in connection. There is value in conversation.

Those we hold dear can often be our greatest source of inspiration. Being able to celebrate our accomplishments with those we love, adds an additional dimension of joy and gratitude to it. For this reason, resilient people value relationships and actively cultivate them. They know the value of investing in their relationships and in taking the time to grow their capacity for connection, because they know the pay-off is that they have a safety net to fall back on when life inevitably becomes more challenging. Sometimes just knowing that, is enough to get them through some of the hardest things you can imagine – like facing a cancer diagnosis, bankruptcy, losing a loved one etc.

Living Intentionally

The final dimension of resilience is intentional living. When you live with intention, you are clear on your deepest core values, you have a strong sense of your calling or life purpose, you know what matters most to you, and you live your life honouring the things that are most important to you. Another way of saying this, is that you live in alignment with your values. Your values guide your choices and actions, and you derive meaning from your life, because you set the intention to live in a certain way – whatever is an authentic expression of who you are.

Intentional living involves looking at the different dimensions of your life and consciously choosing what you want to learn, grow, or accomplish in each life dimension. It’s choosing your path, instead of letting life choose it for you. It’s the most pertinent example of being the owner or author of your life instead of going through life as a victim.

My clients all choose the consciously created life over the default life. For this reason, I choose to work with them, because they choose to live intentionally and consequently, they ARE resilient, which means they will bounce back when they face setbacks or difficulties on the road to creating the life they want. Does this mean that they are not scared, and that they don’t have any worries, or that they never feel disappointed or heartbroken? Not at all. Resilient people still feel sad, scared, worried, disappointed, frustrated, stuck etc. However, they know that these emotions are simply sign posts along the road towards personal growth and fulfilment, so they don’t get stuck there. They use the information that is available in their emotional experiences to come back to their purpose, and to what they want to create, and then they forge ahead; knowing in their hearts of hearts that the journey is worth it, even the difficult parts.

 References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Being like the Bamboo: Cultivating Resilience. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/being_like_the_bamboo/
2. Breytenbach, C. (2020). The gift in slowing down: Reduce stress and access your innate mental health. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/the_gift_in_slowing_down/
3. Frankl, V. E. (2000). Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy. Boston: Beacon Press.
4. Hanson, R. & Hanson, F. (2020). Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness. New York: Harmony Books.
5. Peterson, C., Maier, S. F. & Seligman, M. E. P. (1995). Learned Helplessness: A theory for the age of personal control. New York: Random House.
6. Seligman, M. E. P. (2006). Learned Optimism: How to change your mind and your life. New York: Random House.
7. Twist, L. (2017). The Soul of Money: Reclaiming the wealth of our inner resources. New York: Norton.