When you are serious about real transformation, the time of year is of no consequence

I always find this time of year intriguing. For some reason, people attach tremendous value to counting down towards the new year. For some it even evokes tremendous pressure to create “the perfect New Years celebration”. We convince ourselves that we get to leave the past behind and start with a clean slate. We get to start over. Be better. Dream. Set goals. Go for it this time. And really make the changes we say we want.

However, you are still the same person you were one minute after midnight than one minute before midnight; unless some fundamental life-changing event transpired in the span of two minutes…

The way I see it, waiting for the new year before setting those goals or making those changes you’ve been procrastinating on for weeks, months, sometimes even years, is just another way of continuing to make excuses and procrastinating or stalling longer on the things you know you need to change in your life. It’s another way of saying, I don’t really want to make this change. I’m not serious about it.

If you truly WANT the change, the time of day, week, month, or year would be of no consequence. Your time here on earth is finite. And even more than that, you don’t know when your time will run out. What if you don’t make it to the new year?

And are you saying that you are choosing to remain in the shadows and play small, or choosing to continue to be destructive in your own life and relationships, because it’s the “wrong time of the year” to make a change? Windows of opportunity don’t always stay open. And time runs out. When you look at it from this perspective, it’s completely absurd to wait any amount of time before plucking up the courage to start living in a way that is in integrity with who you want to be in the world.

What matters far more than when you start, is simply THAT you start and work every day towards becoming the person you want to be.

Simon Sinek explains that we often make something like happiness or personal transformation the end goal, when actually it’s only the starting point. It’s a commitment to our own happiness and personal transformation, that sets us on the path to creating what we want, but happiness or transformation is not a place we can arrive at. When we seek greater fulfillment and happiness, we might be inspired to take the first step towards changing ourselves and our lives. But how do we sustain our commitment to the change we want over the long run?

We have all made ourselves guilty of setting new year’s resolutions that we have not kept. We have all kicked-off a new year with fire, enthusiasm, and inspiration, only to lose steam three weeks later. On new year’s eve, I saw a joke that someone shared on social media. It read something along the lines of: “Let’s all gather round and share how we will shame and guilt ourselves into being fundamentally less awful people over the next 12 months”. I feel that accurately captures why so many people fail at their new year’s resolutions. When we try to guilt or shame ourselves into changing our habits and ways of being in the world, we are effectively setting ourselves up to fail.

No amount of force, punishment, or fear can sustain a deep commitment to change. That is simply not how a deep commitment to transformation works. I’ve had many conversations with people who have asked for my insights on immigrating to a new country. And the one “pearl of wisdom” I always offer is, “Make sure you are not running away from something. Rather find something to run towards”. When you run away from something that isn’t working, or you are shaming our guilting your way into making a change, you might reach the goal, but it won’t bring you the happiness and contentment you seek. In fact, you might find that you are even more unhappy after achieving the goal.

You cannot change on the outside what is fundamentally a change that is required on the inside. You see the world the way you are. So, even when you change things on the outside, if you don’t evaluate your deepest held thoughts and beliefs, you might endlessly cycle through goals, pushing harder and harder whilst happiness and fulfillment continue to elude you.

And punishing yourself for not reaching hard set goals by “immovable” deadlines, will not bring you more joy and fulfillment. You will find ways to sabotage your own efforts if this is how you are going about trying to reach your goals, because no-one likes to be forced into doing something, even when we are forcing ourselves. You are more likely to be successful when the choice to make a change is voluntary and when it is a declaration of self-love.

I’m currently reading Carolyn Freyer-Jones and Michelle Bauman’s book What if this is the fun part? And there are two profound insights I’ve had from the book that I would like to share with you here.

Firstly, whenever someone is ready for a big change in their life, there is almost always also an opportunity for them to love themselves more. This was true for me when I started my work with my coach, and I have found it to be true for my clients. Michelle Bauman observed that self-judgment, self-criticism, self-doubt, and self-rejection often pop up as obstacles along the way when someone embarks on a journey of personal transformation. In fact, this tendency seems to be even more pronounced in high achievers.

We put tremendous pressure on ourselves when we are working towards a big change in our lives. It’s almost as if there is an underlying fear that if we aren’t tough on ourselves, we might not reach the end goal. What is going on here? Why do people struggle to love themselves when they are working towards a personal transformation?

For most people it seems that they confuse self-love with self-indulgence, or with letting themselves off the hook. There is an underlying fear that if they loved themselves through the process, they might get soft and end up not reaching the goal. They might quit, or give up half-way, because they feel sorry for themselves.

Michelle Bauman pointed out that many people express skepticism at the idea that self-love and self-acceptance are key ingredients to personal transformation and to experiencing more joy, success, and fulfillment in life. There is a concern that self-love might lead to delusion, denial, weakness, and an inability to stick to the goal.

So, let me be clear, self-love does NOT equate to self-indulgence, or to becoming soft, or to letting yourself off the hook, or quitting the game early.

Those of you who are parents know that sometimes you say no to your children, or you don’t allow them certain things because you know that it will be bad for them in the long-run, and it won’t support their growth and development. For example, we don’t allow our children to have dessert before dinner, or to play video games or watch television before they’ve completed their homework. We expect them to complete their chores, and we want them to learn the hard lessons and sometimes that means that we don’t jump in to save them. We let them figure it out for themselves. And we do this, because we love them, and their growth is important to us.

In the same way, self-love doesn’t mean that you let yourself off the hook. No. You do the things that are hard and uncomfortable, but that you KNOW will support your growth and development as a person. You persist and push through, you keep showing up, because you love yourself enough to not quit.

What I’m suggesting though, is that instead of saying to yourself, “You are a lazy, fat, slob. Just look at you. You are so disgusting. Who will love you if you don’t lose the weight?” Or, “What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you ever do anything right?” In other words, instead of letting the Inner Critic wreak havoc in your life, because you believe the only way forward is through shame and fear, I’m suggesting that you rephrase your self-talk to something like, “I love myself enough to feed my body nutritious food. I love myself enough to get my body to yoga. I love myself enough to resist that bite of chocolate cake. I love myself enough to give myself experiences that nurture my heart and mind. I love myself enough to end an abusive relationship that doesn’t serve me. I love myself enough to get back on track even when I’ve made an ‘off-track’ choice.”

See, self-love is self-respect. It’s making the hard choices and learning to parent yourself. It’s choosing to honour yourself and live with intention and purpose, because you are worthy, because you are enough, and you have value, regardless of how much you weigh, how much money you earn, and whether you are in a relationship or not. Self-love is radical. It’s choosing goals and resolutions that really stretch you and that support your growth as a person. And it’s choosing compassionate self-forgiveness and gentleness on the days when you get off track or are not in integrity with yourself.

So, don’t confuse self-love with self-indulgence. They are not the same thing. You can consciously create a context of loving support and inspiration, instead of a context of judgment and deprivation, by choosing the soundtrack you want to play in your head.

And nothing about that is in any way letting yourself off the hook, or about going soft. In fact, loving yourself so radically that you are deeply committed to your own growth and development, and nurturing your mind and heart with love and support for yourself, is the most courageous thing you could do. It’s brave. It’s bold. And it’s far more effective than criticizing, judging, and punishing your way to a goal.

I’m guessing you might even enjoy the process of reaching the goal and discover more joy along the way. I can certainly attest to that in my own life. When I let go of the need to judge myself constantly, and I bring compassionate self-forgiveness into the mix, I enjoy the journey as much – and sometimes even more – than reaching the end destination.

The second insight I want to share with you, is something else that Michelle Bauman shared about being someone who constantly worries. When I read her story on how anxious and worried she used to be in her life, it touched a nerve for me. As a Six on the Enneagram, I had almost made peace with my “fate” of being a hyper-vigilant worrier.  Until I realised that I was using my “personality” as an excuse for my own fears and insecurities. I did not have to worry my way through life. In fact, I don’t want to, because that certainly is no way to live.

Constantly worrying about everything, worrying about doing the right thing, or getting everything right, or reaching the goal, and staying committed, worrying about whether I can handle what life throws my way, serves no purpose. You see, what Michelle shared about what she discovered in her own life, I found to be true for me too. No amount of worry can prepare you for the really crappy, hard, and difficult days of your life. We will all inevitably face hard and crappy days over the course of our lives. It’s part of the contract of life. But no amount of worry can actually prepare us for those days. When they come, none of the things we worried about will have adequately prepared us for what we must handle in the moment.

Additionally, and this is the important part, when we worry all the time, we turn perfectly fine, normal, even happy days, into crappy days. We turn our lives into a series of dramas. What Michelle decided was that she wanted to have as few hard, challenging, and crappy days as possible, so she no longer wanted to ruin perfectly good days by pointlessly worrying about inconsequential things or about things she could not control.

Again, this insight struck a chord with me. I saw myself in this too. When I was younger, I had ruined so many beautiful, even joyful days of my life through my incessant worrying and fretting about things that hadn’t even happened yet or by assumptions I was making. I was so busy and stuck in my head, that I wasn’t present in my life. I wasn’t paying attention to the beauty and abundance all around me.

And just like Michelle, I decided it had to stop. Life is short. Life is hard enough when those really hard and challenging days eventually do arrive. Why make it harder than it needs to be? Why rob yourself of the joy that is available to you in any moment if you simply choose to stay present?

So, my invitation to you as you set your intentions for the year ahead, is to choose to stay present. Choose to no longer waste precious life on worry. Know that those hard days will come and when they do, you will face them. You will decide in the moment what needs to be done and you will do it.

And every other day, choose to show up, to life, love, laugh, and to soak up as many beautiful human experiences as you can. It goes so quickly. You don’t know when it’s your last new year. Instead of waiting for the next new year and letting yourself down over and over again, choose to love yourself radically and fiercely today, and choose to show up and do the hard things so that you can look back on your life during your hard days and be thankful that you consistently chose to show up, to love fully, to stay present, to appreciate, to enjoy, to create.

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Getting to Know your Inner Critic. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/getting_to_know_your_inner_critic/
2. Freyer-Jones, C. & Bauman, M. (2021). What if this Is the Fun Part?: A book about friendship, coaching, dying, living and using everything for your learning, growth and upliftment.