The Paradox of Self-Improvement

Recently, in a conversation with my therapist, I shared that at some point in my childhood, I made the decision that I needed to gain an education. I had concluded that being smarter than everyone else around me, would help me get out of the difficult circumstances I found myself in. She asked me how old I was when I made that decision, and I told her I was about eight years old.

My therapist was quite shocked that I had reached that conclusion so early in my childhood. She had expected me to say that I made the decision when I was 16. This got me thinking about growth, learning, self-improvement, self-awareness, personal development etc.

Something that we all share as human beings, is the desire for learning and growth. It’s built into our DNA to want to learn and grow. If you don’t believe me, simply spend some time with babies and you will see it. We learn more in the first year of life than in any other time in our lives. We are simply geared towards learning, because learning things helps us survive, and even once we have figured out how to survive, learning helps us go from merely surviving to thriving. If you consider the technological advancement of humanity, it becomes quite evident that we want to grow, learn, and expand. We almost can’t help ourselves.

What I’m most baffled by though is how our natural instinct for learning and growth then starts morphing into a need for self-improvement and/or self-betterment, and then sometimes even morphing into an obsession with perfectionism. The idea of self-improvement has been with us for centuries. Even the great philosophers advocated for continuous self-improvement. And yet, I feel like there is a tipping point where self-improvement becomes toxic.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge advocate of self-improvement, because I have reaped the personal benefits of self-improvement. In fact, as I shared above, I recognised as early as eight years old that I needed to work on my own self-improvement. I needed to gain an education to empower myself. I believe that education changes lives.

Knowledge truly is power, because when I know better, I can do better as Maya Angelou famously said. And I can only know better, if I’m willing to reflect on what I do know, and be open to the possibility that I might be wrong, or that there is more to learn and understand. When I stay open to new perspectives and new ideas, I expand my understanding of the world, and I empower myself to navigate it differently.

Self-improvement can include things like going to school, obtaining a qualification, learning a new language, learning how to run, dance, sing, debate, play football, lift weights and build your physical fitness, learning how to cook, taking pottery classes, etc., basically anything that helps you learn a new skill you did not previously have, uncover a hidden talent you did not know you had, improve an existing skill so you are better at it and gain more from using it, or something that helps you improve your overall health, wellbeing, and self-esteem. Self-improvement is how we grow and evolve, how we learn to adult, and how we thrive.

And yet, this to me, is not the same as needing to “fix” myself. Self-improvement is not about fixing what’s wrong. For me, self-improvement, is about enhancing what’s already there. Not changing, fixing, undoing, or redoing. And yet, so many of us step into the trap of believing that self-improvement is about fixing what is wrong with us.

This idea of fixing what is wrong with us, is anchored in a misunderstanding that there is something wrong to begin with. There is nothing wrong with a baby. And yet, a baby will evolve into a toddler, the toddler will evolve into a child, the child will evolve into a teenager, the teenager will evolve into an adolescent, the adolescent will evolve into an adult, and the adult will continue to evolve. That is simply part of the process of life. There is nothing wrong with being a baby, or a toddler, or a teenager, and yet, we cannot stay in that state perpetually, because the nature of life, is that all living things evolve through different seasons. It’s the old saying, “Change is the only constant.”

It’s most evident in the seasons that our earth cycles through every single year. There is a time for new plants and flowers to sprout. Then there is a time for things to be in their prime, and to fully blossom and reproduce. Next there is a time for things to wither and die. Then there is a time of dormancy and rest. And then the whole process starts all over again… It’s not much different for humans with this one precious life that you receive. You will continue to evolve. It’s unavoidable. You can relate to that as something that is bad and wrong and that should not be, or you can embrace it as simply the nature of all things that are alive.

A client of mine recently wrote a profoundly insightful article about what she calls “The Paradox of Self-Improvement”. She shares openly that when she started her healing journey, her initial goal was to “fix all the things I didn’t like about myself.” She had bought into the false idea that once she had healed all her trauma, shifted away from all her unhealthy patterns, and reprogrammed all her limiting beliefs, learnt how to regulate her emotions etc., that she would finally be worthy of true love, happiness, and peace. Unknowingly, she was playing the “When… Then…” Game with herself. This game usually goes like this…

When I lose all the weight, then I will be skinny, and then I will find my soul mate, and then I will be happy.

OR When I finally get that promotion, then I can relax and enjoy my life.

OR When I find “the one”, we will be together forever, and I will be happy.

OR When I earn six figures, I will have enough, and I can finally enjoy my life.

OR When I make partner, then I will be recognized, and I will feel good enough. Then I will be happy, and I will spend more time with my family.

OR When I have the money, then I will make the changes to my life that are necessary, and then I will finally be able to enjoy my life and have more fun…

You get the picture. And I’m wondering, what is YOUR version of “When… Then…”?

My client shares how her original motivation – i.e., to fix what was wrong with her – was “extremely motivating” in the beginning, because she believed that if she could figure out what was wrong with her, and fix it, she would finally be free to live her life. And how many of us step into this trap? The false belief that we simply need to figure out what is wrong with us, and fix that, and we would finally be free and have permission to do all the things we long to do.

I spent years of my life trying to understand what was wrong with me, and morphing myself over and over to try and be everything other people wanted me to be. The frustration with this approach is twofold. Firstly, you can never satisfy everyone, because when you change to meet one person’s expectations, you end up disappointing someone else. So you spend so much time morphing and shape-shifting that you inevitably stumble upon the second frustration/challenge with this approach – an identity crisis, that is, you lose touch with who you really are, and you end up not really knowing who you are.

This opens up the door for another mental game – the game of hiding who I am out of fear that who I am might not be good enough, and might be rejected. This is a recipe for spending your life hiding in plain sight. In my experience, hiding in plain sight, has the result of feeling disconnected – disconnected from self, from others, and from Life. You end up living on auto pilot and simply going through the motions of your life without truly being IN your life, because being authentic, feels threatening, so you avoid it. And sadly, it’s in our very authenticity that our true magic and essence lives…

Terri Cole reckons that the fear of rejection is as intense – and even equivalent – to the fear of death, because when we were still Hunters-Gatherers, being rejected and ostracised from the tribe, could mean death. As social animals, we have a deep-seated need for love and belonging, and we will do whatever we can to avoid rejection and social isolation, even, as it turns out, be willing to disown our whole identity and move through the world not really knowing who we are, and being disconnected from our own essence.

My client walked through all of this. She was at war with herself when we started our work together – as I was too when I started working with my coach. Over time, my client came to a profound insight: “You can’t hate yourself into becoming a version of yourself that you can love.”

This realisation is for every one of us. If you are in any way judging yourself, trying to fix yourself, or telling yourself that you are not good enough. If you struggle with perfectionism, then you know in a real way the anguish of never measuring up, and the torture of trying to make yourself “perfect” or “enough” or “loveable”. No amount of self-loathing and self-hatred will ever get you there. It will just deepen the anguish, and send you into more mindless doing as you continuously strive for perfection, and continuously fall short. It’s a game you cannot win. Believe me, I’ve tried for many years.

When I finally reached the point of desperation and exhaustion, my coach invited me to consider that perhaps Life was trying to tell me that there is another way. To those of you reading this who have prided yourself on being “good”, and doing “the right thing”, and on striving for excellence, who have spent years beating up on yourself, enduring your own endless criticism on the inside for all your failures, and who have exhausted all the self-help books, courses, and other resources, are you willing to consider another way?

If you are willing to consider that there might be another way, I want to invite you to consider when (at what age) you took on the belief that you had to be good/perfect/right to be lovable? When did you make that agreement with yourself, that you will not stop doing until you figure out what to do to be enough or perfect? How many years have you tried to reach a place of joy and inner peace through the methods of self-loathing and self-hatred?

You now have the opportunity to make a different choice. It would be a truly radical choice at this point. It’s the choice to practice self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love, instead of self-loathing and self-degradation. It would be to consider for one moment that perhaps there is nothing “wrong with you” and that perhaps you are just exceptional about being human. As human beings we are built to be adaptable. We have the gift of nervous systems that adapt and change to the outside world, so we are able to effectively navigate whatever comes across our path.

For your consideration, whatever behaviour pattern you are currently judging about yourself right now, you learnt that behaviour at some point in your life as a way to stay safe and to survive. And so, if now, it has reached a point, where this very behaviour infuriates or frustrates you, consider that you are outgrowing it, and that this speaks to how far you have come in your own evolution.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learnt in my life, is the lesson of gratitude, of giving thanks to the people, places, and things in my life that have served me. I have found in my own experiences of life so much truth in Lynne Twist’s words, “What you appreciate, appreciates.” This applies to money, material belongings, relationships, and even to outdated behavioural patterns that no longer serve us.

Whatever you are struggling with – whether that is perfectionism, people pleasing, needing to achieve and perform, conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, being overly accommodating, being too nice, being too harsh, over-doing, needing to control everything – know that at some point in your life, that behaviour served you. It might still be serving you in some ways today. Can you suspend your judgment of yourself for a moment to appreciate the parts of you that you also loathe the most?

Our most important work is NOT to become our best selves. Our most important work is to learn to love the worst of ourselves. It is in loving the worst of ourselves, that we reclaim our wholeness, our freedom, our liberation, our soul’s purpose.