Larger Than Life

One of my favourite TED Talks is a talk by Caroline McHugh on The Art of Being Yourself. I share it with all my clients at some point, because of the power of her message, which is essentially an invitation to take up the space the universe intended for you.

What does it even mean to take up space? Most of us play small. We hold on to limiting beliefs that has us playing out the same patterns over and over, and we allow fear to stop us from stepping out of those patterns. We tell ourselves stories about what we are capable of and what we are not, and we believe our own stories. We let other people tell us what should matter to us, what our priorities should be, and we spend our lives in fear of the question, “What will people think?” And very often that thought stops us from taking action on the things we value.

Caroline McHugh’s message is that we will never feel truly alive, fulfilled, and joyful, unless we are wiling to listen to the deepest calling of our hearts, i.e., unless we are willing to listen to our Authentic Selves.

In her talk, she discusses the different layers of identity and shares that most of us live on the outer rims of our identity where we are constantly trying to manage other people’s expectations of us, which of course is an impossible task, since you can never control what others think of you and it essentially puts all the power of choice OUTSIDE of you in other people’s hands.

What McHugh invites the listener to do, is to unearth all the layers of their identity until they find the voice of their Authentic/Real Self, and then to choose to operate from that place, instead of from what others think, or how we would like to be seen. Of course, this is challenging, because our Ego wants us to care what others think and wants us to believe that it has the answers.

The voice of the Ego (also the voice of the Saboteur) is loud and persistent. It is sometimes so loud, that you don’t hear the voice of your own Inner Wisdom (Authentic Self), but when you slow down, you will notice it’s there. I have never sat with a client and invited them to slow down, without discovering their Inner Wisdom. It’s always there. It’s sometimes just buried underneath layers of other stuff – thoughts, false beliefs, outdates stories, fears, etc. But it’s there.

You, dear reader, are a spiritual being having a human experience, so your Essence is wise and knowing. Your essence is loving and creative. Your essence is aware and joyful. Your essence is who you really are, and it knows the work you are here to do on this earth.

And I’m not talking about a job or career, although it may be part of it. Rather, I’m referring to a kind of spiritual curriculum that you are here to complete through your life experiences that will help you release pain and grow in spiritual awareness. It requires a willingness to listen to your Authentic Self. It requires the courage to take up more space.

What does taking up space mean? Well as McHugh points out, we have all seen what it looks like when someone does take up space. Some people dance to the tune of their own drum. They listen to their own Inner Wisdom about feels right to them, even if it evokes negative reactions from others. They are not afraid to show themselves to others, to share vulnerably and openly, to be honest about their wants, dreams, and desires. They feel compelled to share their gifts with the world. McHugh says they appear larger than life.

Larger than life. That, in itself, sounds like a contradiction, right? Because how can anything be larger than life? But that is often what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who is not afraid to be their real selves. They take up more space and it tends to amplify the contrast of where you are when you are playing small and not taking up space.

Have you met someone who seems confident, bold, brave, at ease, or at peace and wondered how they manage to be that confident, bold, brave, at ease or at peace? Have you caught yourself feeling a little envious of them, wishing you had their confidence, boldness, courage, ease or inner peace? When we find ourselves in the presence of someone like that, what causes the envy, is the fact that they remind us, or they are mirroring to us, what we are NOT doing in our own lives. They are showing us what is possible and that we are not reaching for.

See, when someone shows up in the fullness of who they are, they are also giving US permission to do so. In a way, they are challenging us to do the same for ourselves. I remember when I met my coach, that is how I perceived her. She seemed larger than life. She seemed joyous, confident, graceful, and content. She seemed to know something about life that I couldn’t figure out. And that is what drew me to her. I wanted to know her secret.

The secret of course was how to let go of attachments to what others might think of you or expect of you, and how to create the inner peace necessary to live a life that is in alignment with who you really are. A core ingredient to this way of being in the world, is to learn to love and accept yourself. Without self-love and self-acceptance, you will never feel comfortable enough to live from your most Authentic Self, because it would feel unsafe.

However, once you’ve cultivated a relationship with yourself, and you can show up FOR yourself, you will feel more comfortable taking up space. You will appreciate the importance of taking up space, since how you live your life, sends a message to others not just about what is important to you, but also whether it’s safe for them to be real around you or not.

For me, taking up more space requires letting go of narratives that don’t serve you, forgiving yourself for buying into false beliefs and stories that don’t serve you, and choosing to live in alignment with what you value most. What does it mean to live in alignment with what you value most? Well, it means you spend your time, money, and energy on the things that bring you the most meaning and fulfillment in life. You put those things first. You say YES to what’s most important, and you say NO to everything else that robs you of the time and energy you need to do the things you value most.

Taking up more space also requires that we heal the parts inside that hurt. Healing is a critical part of the process, because we cannot fully take up space if we don’t allow ourselves the space to heal from judgments we might be holding against ourselves and others. This is the harder part, because it requires honest self-reflection, and a willingness to admit what our Ego would not want us to admit about our own pettiness and judgements. When we are willing to be with those parts of ourselves, forgive ourselves and others, let go of judgments, and choose to live from a place of loving, it suddenly becomes possible to take up more space.

You see, when we are judging ourselves and others, our Ego’s keep us playing small. We get in our own way. When we let go of our judgments, when we choose to see ourselves and others through the eyes of loving, we expand from the inside out. Suddenly there is more spaciousness on the inside, so we feel comfortable taking up more space on the outside too. When we are not constantly judging everything and everyone as good or bad, we have more energy and capacity to simply let life unfold, and to take joy in being alive and being in the flow of life. And it’s from this flow of life, that we appear to others to be taking up more space.

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Getting to know your Inner Critic. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/getting_to_know_your_inner_critic/
2. Breytenbach, C. (2021). Listening to the quiet whisper of your Inner Wisdom: It doesn’t always have to be a “Hell Yes!” Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/it_doesnt_have_to_be_hell_yes/
3. McHugh, C. (2015). The Art of Being Yourself.  Available online at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veEQQ-N9xWU&ab_channel=TEDxTalks