“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Recently I read a blog post by Carolyn Freyer-Jones where she was questioning whether an average or sometimes even hesitant yes could be enough to get started on a big transformation or transition. There’s a lot of talk in the coaching profession that reasons that, “If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a no.”
So, when deciding whether to change jobs, start a business, leave a dysfunctional or unhappy relationship, get married, have a child, or not have a child, start working with a coach, go to therapy, or anything else that might fundamentally change your life, the reasoning is that unless it’s a big and resounding yes – a HUGE, LOUD and INTENSE yes, it’s not really yes. It’s no.
Carolyn Freyer-Jones questions whether this assumption is accurate. She believes that not only is it not accurate; it’s also not required to get started, and I tend to agree with her. Think about it. Were all the really big decisions you made in your life always big, loud, resounding, enthusiastic, ecstatic yeses? Or did some of those yeses sound more like “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure, but I’ll try”.
When I think about my own life, I can honestly say, that very few of the big transformations I said yes to in my life were enthusiastic and unequivocal yeses. Some started out as a no or a “I can’t do that”. Some were a hesitant, inner tug…
Saying yes to my own independence and breaking free from the cycle of abuse and poverty I was in in my youth, to pursue my own path was scary as hell. There were days when I didn’t know if I could do it. Most of the yeses I gave back then were hesitant, shaky, terrified yeses. Yet, at the same time, there was a firm resolve to try, to go for it, to give it all I had. I had this inner sense that things could be better, and that I held the key to figuring out what that looked like. Most of the first choices I made on my path to freedom and independence involved fear walking as Susan David would call it – i.e. I was terrified, but I did it anyway, because I believed I owed it to myself to at least try.
Being with, and choosing to marry my husband, was not an enthusiastic yes to being in love forever, and thinking I had found the perfect man. It was more of a sound, realistic, inner knowing that I had met someone I was willing to share my life with. We dated for six years before we got married, so by the time we got married, I had no illusions about him. I knew he wasn’t perfect. I didn’t expect him to be perfect either. I knew that I loved him enough to put in the work to make our marriage work. I knew I was ready and willing to commit myself to the work it would require to build a partnership that could last a lifetime.
My yes may not have been enthusiastic or dramatical, but it was a sound, solid, dependable yes. An “eyes-wide open” kind of yes. A “I commit myself to sharing this life with you” kind of yes. A “I’m in this for better or worse” kind of yes.
Deciding to have kids came with so much surrender to the things I could not control. For many years I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. Then I reached a point where I knew I would regret not trying. Then, we were told we couldn’t have kids, and I had to surrender to that. Then, we discovered that I was pregnant, and I had to surrender to that. Enduring a difficult and painful pregnancy and choosing to have additional surgery to increase my likelihood of conceiving again, were decisions made with a deep yes to the love I wanted to create in my life. Those yeses came with a deep commitment to letting the process unfold, and to working on myself to become the person I needed to be to care for other humans. During different times on the journey, there was so much fear, so much uncertainty, so much pain and yet, my yes never wavered. My yes was always solid. My yes was a quiet whisper deep in my heart.
Leaving my life and my family behind and immigrating to another country on the other side of the world, originally came with a lot of no’s and resistance. I was solidly saying no to the transformation, fighting it, resisting it, wanting it to be different. And my life reflected that. I was not living my life. I had gotten stuck. I was lost and depressed.
It took tremendous courage to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and life and start again; to choose to say yes to this new life; to choose to live as if yes was my answer to this life. There were many many tears, so much sorrow, so much longing, but also a deep commitment to allowing myself to become the person I needed to be, and to create a life that I did not want to escape from. It required saying yes to grief, saying yes to fear, and saying yes to courageously finding my own way.
The only time in my life that I remember my yes being an enthusiastic and excited “HELL YES!”, was when I chose to teach in higher education. Walking into my first class and seeing the impact I could have, resonated so deeply with me and my heart soared. I was ready to do what it takes. I did not back down on any challenge, no matter how difficult it was at times. The work mattered. The work was important. The work resonated and it was always a deep yes.
Until it wasn’t. And I had to say yes to uncertainty, to starting over, to rebuilding, to finding a new rhythm. So, over time I learnt, that not all my yeses were going to be “HELL YES!”. Sometimes the yes is a gut feel, a quiet whisper deep down in your soul, an inner knowing or calling. Sometimes it’s a yearning for something to be different, or for your own freedom and independence.
Deciding to become a coach was a yes that slowly increased in volume. Originally it was just a whisper – an almost whimsical “what if” kind of yes that I was too afraid to take seriously. Then the longing and urgency around it grew louder and louder, until finally the discomfort of not doing it was worse than the fear of doing it. So, finally the yes was a powerful and loud yes. And yet, there was so much fear, so much self-doubt, so much inner questioning. The whisper persisted though. It still does. And every time I witness someone else’s transformation, my heart soars with joy, and the yes becomes stronger and deeper. Very much like the deep committed yes I gave my husband when I married him.
Choosing to work with my coach was a deep yes. It wasn’t loud. It was more a “I’m nervous. I don’t know if I can do this, but I think she can help me figure this out” kind of yes. Of course, it required a powerful enough yes to put money down and invest in my own personal development and transformation. Why did I do it when I wasn’t even sure if it was the right thing? Simply because my yes to myself and to the life I wanted to create was clear in my heart and in my gut, because I was willing to be in the discomfort it would require to create the life and career I wanted.
And many of my yeses also required saying no to other things. Saying yes to teaching in higher education meant saying no to a corporate role in banking, and trusting my gut that I was making the right decision. Saying yes to starting my own coaching practice and working with my coach, required saying no to my previous business and letting that go. Saying yes to creating a life for myself here in Canada, required saying no to who I used to be, the life I used to live, and the longing I still felt for that. It required choosing the uncertainty and possibility of this new life over the fear and anguish I had been holding on to.
It has become a thing, having our yeses be HUGE and LOUD — making this a requirement, a prerequisite to saying yes to something. And I agree with Carolyn Freyer-Jones, this is in no way helpful. It often prevents us from taking that big scary first step that could set us on the path to transforming our life.
So, what if your yes could be simple? Even quiet? What if it’s ok if it’s a nervous yes, but it resonates with a deep inner knowing that it is a yes nonetheless.
What I have found is that what’s more important is to listen where your yes is coming from. Here is what I mean by that. Is it a yes that comes with a sense of obligation, a should – as in, I should want this? Or I should do this? Or this is probably the right thing to do? Or everyone keeps telling me I should do this? A yes that comes from a sense of obligation is not an authentic yes. It’s a no spoken as a yes. You know that it’s a no, by the feeling of resentment or resistance that accompanies it.
Sometimes, someone suggests a specific course of action and it might be the right course of action, but it’s still important to question whether the course of action really resonates with YOU, or whether you are simply doing it to please them. Often in our attempts to please others, we end up letting ourselves down. In the long run, it’s far worse being out of integrity with yourself.
When the yes is coming from a deeper inner knowing – i.e., from your Higher Self, Observer Self, Wiser Self, Inner Leader (whatever you would like to call it) – it doesn’t come with a sense of obligation. Rather, there is a deep inner tugging or knowing. Some describe it as a “gut feel” about what’s next or what feels right. It’s the sense you get from looking at your life and knowing that if you don’t make these changes, you will regret it in the long run.
That doesn’t mean there is no discomfort associated with it. In fact, sometimes this deep inner knowing comes with a lot of discomfort, fear, and uncertainty. The absence of fear or the presence of confidence is not a prerequisite for starting. In fact, I often tell my clients that if you are waiting to feel fearless or more confident, you will probably never get started.
No, rather it’s recognising the fear and concern, appreciating the Saboteur’s attempts at keeping you safe, AND still choosing to move forward, because deep down you know you will regret NOT taking the step more than actually taking the step. We regret NOT doing something more often than we regret doing something.
If you know that you will live with this sense of wondering about whether you should have tried. If you know that you will look back in regret for not being brave enough to try. If you know that continuing with the path you are currently on will not bring you the results you desire, then say yes, even if it is a quivering and fearful yes. A fearful yes to something that will transform your life and bring you greater joy, meaning and fulfilment outweighs a confident no to just stay stuck. Ask anyone who has ever had to make the choice between staying stuck, remaining in a comfort zone, and courageously stepping out of comfort into the unknown with the intention to transform. No-one ever regrets transforming. They do however regret staying stuck.
You want to look at your yes as a commitment to your life, because you won’t live forever. So, saying yes, is saying I know I won’t live forever, so I want to give myself the best chance at the life I want, and I want to take action before it’s too late. Choosing to ignore that inner pull towards a transformation that might be uncomfortable, but yet transformational, is akin to acting as if you will live forever.
In the words of Bob Dylan, “he not busy being born, is busy dying”. We are all on this earth for a limited time and once we enter this world, we start the process of dying. You can live your life in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to embrace the adventure of living fully. Living fully involves a willingness to experiment, to try new things, to stretch yourself beyond what you thought you were capable of.
I’m reminded by this beautiful quote by Victor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning:
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”
Taking responsibility for your life, means owning your yeses and no’s in life. It means taking ownership of your life. Life will stretch you. Life will challenge you. You get to decide whether you go through life as a victim of your circumstances, or as the owner of your choices. If you have to face challenges in life, why not consciously choose the different ways you would like to be stretched by listening to the quiet whisper of your inner wisdom and the yeses it’s guiding you to.
Carolyn Freyer-Jones invites us to the join the Simple Yes Club. Are you in? Are you willing to slow down and listen? To be with yourself in ways that help you find your deep inner yes. Are you willing to take ownership of your life? Are you willing to let your consciously chosen yeses shape who you become, even when those yeses feel scary?
Carolyn Freyer-Jones says, “Your yes is yours. Quiet, loud, nervous, certain, intense, prayerful, big, small—it’s yours”. So, own it. Own it proudly. And choose to be in integrity with yourself, even if that means you shock, surprise, or disappoint others. Life is knocking on the door. It’s waiting for you to answer. What will you answer?
References:
- Breytenbach, C. (2020). Getting to Know your Inner Critic. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/getting_to_know_your_inner_critic/
- David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Penguin Random House.
- Dylan, B. It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding) lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC Source: LyricFind
- Frankl, V. E. (2000). Man’s search for meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust. London: Rider.
- Freyer-Jones, C. (2019). Is an average yes good enough? Available online at: https://www.carolynfreyerjones.com/post/can-an-average-yes-be-good-enough