How to have a good birthday

It was my birthday last week, and I had the most incredible birthday. I used to hate birthdays. I used to want to avoid my birthday at all costs.  And for the past three years, I have had really amazing and joyful birthdays. So, I want to share briefly what has changed for me, and why it’s important.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a piece about what it means to celebrate. In that article, I shared that my family of origin are not the kind of people who celebrate much. I grew up with a sense that celebrations are something to “get through”, rather than something to enjoy. Momentous occasions such as birthdays, graduations, and weddings often turned into chaos in my family. We had a hard time celebrating anything without it turning into some kind of drama or mess.

And I think over time I started to believe that celebrations are just opportunities for chaos, so I wanted to avoid them. I realise now that my nervous system had gotten wired to anticipate overstimulation at important events. I also started to believe that I’m not worth celebrating and that whatever I valued was not important. I was living out of integrity with what I really wanted, because part of me wanted to celebrate, part of me wanted to mark the significance of the occasion, and another part of me was so afraid that I would be disappointed again, or that I would be perceived as selfish in some way for wanting to celebrate something I had achieved, or god forbid, wanting to celebrate the day I was born.

Having this attitude towards celebrations meant that not only did I hardly ever celebrate my birthday, but I also let significant milestones in my life go by without pausing to really celebrate the significance of those milestones. I was afraid that if I were to celebrate, I would be judged as being selfish or full of myself, or that if I were to celebrate, the celebration would turn into a disaster. Many a ruined birthday spent in tears, or going to bed hungry, many a graduation feeling like I just wanted to run away from it all, and even my wedding day spent in tears and turmoil, had me simply avoid being with any form of celebration.

The problem with this was that I was living out of integrity with myself. As I shared in a recent article, true inner integrity is to speak your truth, or to actually ask for what you want. And what I wanted, was to share my joy. What I wanted, was to celebrate. What I wanted, was to change this way of being in the world, that was in direct contrast with who I wanted to be in the world. I was out of integrity, because I always celebrate others. I share their joy and want to mark special occasions with them, and then I don’t do the same for myself.

Three years ago, I noticed that my coach celebrated her birthday. And she celebrated without waiting for anyone else to say or do anything. She simply chose to do whatever felt celebratory or joyful for HER to do. And I noticed that I felt envious of that. And envy is such a great emotion. It tells us what we long for most. So, I slowed it down, and I realised that what I wanted most was to celebrate without any of the baggage from the past.

So, I made a choice to celebrate. Part of the inner work required in this choice was to also let go of any expectations I had of others. You see, for many years, I felt too ashamed to celebrate myself or my own achievements. I believed that I would be perceived as selfish, arrogant, or full of myself. I believed that people would think I was ridiculous. I witnessed people in my family expect others to celebrate them, and time and again they would feel disappointed, because others had failed to please them.

And then, ironically, I played out that same drama for years. I would hope and wonder whether someone would remember that it was my birthday, and whether they would make a fuss or not. I would secretly hope that someone would do something special for me. That they would tell me that I mattered and that I deserved to be celebrated. I would tell myself that if people made an effort, then I mattered, and if they didn’t, then it meant that I didn’t matter.

As you can imagine, I not only set myself up to be deeply disappointed, but I was also so distraught to discover that I didn’t matter. Or at least, that’s the story I was telling myself… At the time, I wasn’t seeing how I was co-creating the situation, by resisting any form of celebration, by not asking for what I wanted, and by declining any offers of kindness if they did not meet my requirements of what I thought was supposed to transpire. I made it impossible for people to know what I wanted or for anyone to “get it right”, because I was expecting others to read my mind. No wonder no-one was living up to my impossible standards and expectations, and no wonder I often felt disappointed.

Here’s the thing, if you are waiting for others to celebrate you, if you are waiting for others to fill you up, or let you know that you matter, STOP IT right now!! You are torturing yourself. Other people are not responsible for YOUR happiness. Other people are not required to make you feel valued. No-one else can fill a void that YOU have created inside. It’s not their responsibility, because let’s face it, they are all also working on filling the voids they have created inside of themselves.

Your happiness and fulfilment in life, is YOUR responsibility, no-one else’s. Joy is your birthright. And if you pause for a second to consider just how miraculous it is that you are here on this earth living this life right now, why wouldn’t you want to celebrate? Not celebrating, is like telling Life / the Universe / Creation / God (*fill in any word that resonates for you), that you are ungrateful for the gift of life, that you resent the very thing that is your biggest gift.

There is no greater gift than being alive, and receiving that gift is worth celebrating every day. A birthday is not intended to be spent waiting for others to tell or show you that you matter. A birthday marks the day you received the gift of life. It marks the day you came into this world and started your journey as a spiritual being having a human experience. It’s a significant day for that reason. And every year you get to spend here, is a year you learnt, grew, explored, discovered, loved, lost, and lived. Isn’t that worth celebrating?

The moment I released the expectations I had that others needed to make me happy, or let me know that I mattered, I started to have the most magical birthdays. Not only did it release others from unspoken expectations, but it also allowed me to choose how I wanted to celebrate. I now choose how I want to spend the day that marks the moment I came into this world, and I get to invite others to celebrate with me if I want to. And I also don’t expect others to want to celebrate with me. When they say yes, it’s a win. And when they say no, I don’t perceive it as a loss for me, because I am not attached to them saying yes. So, it’s also a win, because we both get to stay in integrity with ourselves.

I don’t want someone to feel obliged to celebrate with me. I want them to joyfully choose into it, or joyfully choose not to, and both options are ok. Why would I want to spend my day with people who feel obligated to please me? How do you feel when you feel obligated to do something? Angry? Resentful? Bitter? Those are the ingredients for a messy birthday. They are NOT the ingredients for a joyful celebration.

Furthermore, now when people do take the time to wish me a happy birthday or do something special for me, or when they do agree to celebrate with me, I appreciate them so much more. I really SEE the love, and care, and wonder of the people in my life. I no longer take it for granted.

See, when we live with expectations of others, we only ever have two possible outcomes… Either people live up to our expectations, and we take them for granted, because we don’t really appreciate their care and effort. Or they do not live up to our expectations and we feel angry, disappointed, resentful, and hurt. And the relationship suffers, because the other person also resents the pressure they feel, to please us or read our minds. Expectations cause suffering in relationships.

Releasing any expectations you might have, creates freedom, and makes space for true joy to be present. You can absolutely create agreements with others about what you would like to receive or how you would like to celebrate. Remember, you matter, because you exist. So, you get to ask. And others get to choose. And from my experience, when people then do something generous or kind out of their own volution, I get to appreciate it for the true gift that it is. I actually see it instead of taking it for granted, and that has added to the joy I feel on my birthday these days…