How to create a good day

A powerful coaching question I often pose to clients is “What does your ideal day look like?” or “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” This is one way to get someone to think about what they would like their life to look like day by day, or to consciously think about how they would want to create their life one day at a time.

Some clients can immediately describe their perfect day. Some clients don’t actually know what would constitute a perfect day for them; usually because they’ve never been confronted with that question before. It’s so easy to simply live on autopilot, that so many of us do it without even realising. Worse still, is you tell yourself that you can’t take time out from your busy schedules to think about what you actually want.

But think about it, if you don’t know what you want and you don’t actually know whether you are truly happy and fulfilled, where are you going then? What are you chasing?

It’s like driving to a holiday destination, but you haven’t consulted the map. You are simply trusting that you will end up in the right place. And you tell yourself that at least when you get to this perfect place, you will be happy… But how will you know if you are at the right place if you haven’t even decided where you are going? How will you know that you have arrived “there”?

Saying you don’t have time to look at your life and consider what would make you happy is akin to saying you don’t have time to consult the map and figure out, (1) where you are going and (2) if you are actually travelling in the right direction. That’s why so many people end up at their destination and feel dissatisfied, frustrated and unhappy. They drove all the way in the wrong direction.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to stop and consult the map before driving a long way out in the wrong direction, wasting time and fuel travelling somewhere you don’t actually want to be? So, my invitation to you is to take the time out to consider where you want to go. Stop. Take out the map and really look at it. What’s the destination? What does happiness and fulfilment look like to you? What would constitute a perfect day for you?

What’s worth spending time on?

The difficulty in describing your perfect day, is often in figuring out what is worth spending your time on. In a previous article, I discussed the role of values in helping us create our life with intention. The simple truth is this: when you live in alignment with your core guiding life values, your life will feel meaningful and fulfilling to you. Having clarity about your values, means you are also clear on what activities are worth your time. Those activities that align with our values, bring us joy and meaning.

On the other hand, when you are not clear about your core guiding life values, or when you let other people tell you what you should value, you are living in misalignment with your authentic self, and consequently you will feel stuck, frustrated, trapped, lost, empty, without motivation or purpose, and you might have difficulty figuring out what would constitute a perfect day. How would you know what to spend your time on if you don’t know what’s important to you?

If you are struggling to identify your core values, a coach could support you in identifying your core values and finding ways to put those values into action in your life.

In the meantime, I would like to share something that might be useful to you right now. Susan David suggests that if you are struggling to figure out what matters most to you, you could start by asking yourself at the end of every day: “What did I do today that was actually worth my time?” This is not a question about what you liked or didn’t like. Rather, it is a prompt on what parts of your day you found valuable.

There is a difference between simply liking something and really finding it valuable. I could like a song or a movie, but it might not necessarily help me create what I want. I might dislike a specific activity or habit – for example running, going to the gym, avoiding sugar – because of the discomfort it causes in the moment, but when I look at that activity in the context of my larger life, I find it valuable, because it keeps me healthy, or ensures I have more energy, or helps lift my mood etc.

Asking yourself every day for at least two weeks “What did I do today that was actually worth my time?”, could help you figure out what’s most important to you. If you do it for long enough, you will start to notice a pattern. There might be specific activities over the course of a few days or weeks that feel worthwhile or valuable to you. They might feel meaningful or bring you a sense of joy, or simply resonate with who you see yourself to be.

If you discover after a few weeks that you have very little to write down in answer to the above question, then David suggests you incorporate the following question upon waking in the morning: “If this were my last day on earth, how would I act to make it a great final day?” For example, if you claim that you value your spouse, but have gotten into the habit of not greeting them when they arrive home, then perhaps you could make a point of dropping what you are doing and greeting them when they walk through the front door, and then observe how you feel after a few weeks of asking yourself: “What did I do today that was actually worth my time?”

Once you start discovering a pattern though, it’s time for the next step, which is about making some value promises to yourself. What does that mean? Well simply put, you commit to prioritising the activities that feel most valuable to you.

In my article on partnering with you calendar to schedule your big rocks first, I explain what I mean with a “big rock”. The first time I heard about the concept of big rocks was when I watched a leadership development seminar facilitated by Stephen Covey, and he invited participants to try and fill a glass jar with rocks, small stones, pebbles and sand. The challenge was to try and fit it all into the jar and the trick was that you should start with the big rocks.

Covey then explained that this is also the secret to successful life and time management. You schedule your big rocks first – i.e., those activities in your life that bring you the most joy or fulfilment, or that represent your core guiding values. They are the things that make your life feel worth living, and that give you a tremendous sense of purpose.

When you neglect your big rocks, you feel lost, frustrated, stuck, and empty. You feel like your life has no meaning. Why? Because actually, your life doesn’t have significant meaning to you, since you are not spending any time on those things that mean the most to you.

When you schedule your big rocks first, and make them your number one priority, you not only derive more meaning and joy from your life, you also feel less guilty about the stuff you don’t get to, because you know that they are of no consequence. All that matters is that you get to what’s most essential, to what fills you up, and inspires you to get out of bed in the morning.  Everything else – and I mean EVERYTHING else – can wait. You could have a pile of laundry, unswept floors, an overflowing sink of dishes, and still feel wildly successful in life. If you did the things that matter today, who cares about undone tasks that could be done tomorrow?

Now, I’m going to be honest with you, I can’t always ignore the dishes, or the laundry, or the dirty floors. And filing my taxes does not necessary meet the criteria of “big rock status”. Sometimes the neat freak in me will simply not let the undone chores go. BUT when I prioritise those activities over what matters most in my life, I feel a sense of deep loss and grief about not honouring my deepest values… And even though doing your taxes might not bring you joy, I would invite you to ask which of your values does this activity support or serve? Filing my taxes or doing the budget supports my need to create wealth, so I can support the thing that matters most to me, which is my family. So, I do those things with joy in my heart, because I know they serve my big rocks.

So, start with your big rocks and go from there. Schedule them first. Then everything else. And always commit to doing them first.

Let’s simplify

If all of this feels too overwhelming and you don’t even know where to start, I want to ask you to simply identify two or three things that bring you the most joy or fulfilment of that feel worthwhile to you. Just two or three things. No more. Then for the next 33 days, commit to scheduling time in your calendar every day to honour those two or three things and see what’s different after 33 days.

Don’t trust it. Test it.

My coach always says “Don’t trust it. Test it.”, and I’ve turned that into a living practice in my life and business. When I have an idea or I read about something that might serve me in creating the life that I want, I experiment the very next day. I try it immediately. I test it.

For far too long in my life, I used to read, and research, and analyse to the point of paralyses. So often I would overthink until I was too terrified to take the first step. So, now, when I have an idea, I take the first step as quickly as possible before my enthusiasm fades. I’m reminded of something Steve Chandler said about enthusiasm having a half-life. It fades over time the longer you wait to take action.

So many people tell me that they just don’t feel ready. Or they are waiting to have the courage or to feel inspired to take action. Or they are hoping they will find their passion. Or that they might be in the mood to start doing something. If you are waiting for inspiration, or passion, or to get in the mood to do something, or if you are waiting for the fear to go away, I have some bad news for you, you might wait forever.

See, you have it backwards. Mood, motivation, enthusiasm, passion, confidence follow action; not the other way around. You must take action first. Motivation, enthusiasm, passion, and confidence are the result of action, not a prerequisite for action.

How do you become more confident in a new skill? You take the first step. You practice. And then you practice some more, and eventually, you start to notice that it’s no longer weird or uncomfortable, things start to flow, and your confidence increases.

It’s part of the natural growth cycle in learning. There are four stages to competence (see the figure below).