Fierce loving and Emotional agility

The course I enjoyed the most in my coach training was a course called Process. The focus of this course was to teach coaches how to hold space for clients when they are processing difficult emotions. It basically teaches you how to be with someone when they are experiencing emotional pain. You see, in deep, meaningful conversations about your life, your emotions will inevitably bubble to the surface. And it takes skill to be with someone when they are experiencing difficult and painful emotions. It takes skill not to shy away from conversations that might trigger strong emotions. It takes skill to realise that the client can work through their emotion and that both you and they will be fine.

All my life, I have found it fairly natural to be with someone whilst they are processing difficult emotions. I have never felt the need to shy away from uncomfortable conversations that might evoke strong emotions. But I recognise that this can be quite challenging for some people – especially if you yourself have a difficult time understanding and processing your own or other people’s emotions.

What I loved about the Process course, is that it reminded me that emotions are a natural part of life. In fact, experiencing emotions is part of our contract with life. Emotions, experiencing them, making sense of them, working through them, are part of what makes us human. So, why do so many people have a hard time with emotions?

Part of the problem is our social conditioning. Traditionally, emotions were viewed as either good or bad. People actively work to avoid feeling any of the so-called “bad” emotions. And in some cultures, even the active expression of what could be considered “good” emotions is discouraged. In some cultures, if someone is overly enthusiastic or exuberant, they are told to quiet down or to stop over-reacting, or to behave.

Susan David, author of the ground-breaking book, Emotional Agility, believes that this traditional, black-and-white approach to emotions is too rigid. In her view a too rigid view of emotions limits our potential, gets us stuck, and could potentially be truly toxic; especially given the complexity of life we face every day. For this reason, she advocates for emotional agility if we are to truly thrive and remain resilient.

Because of our tendency to treat emotions as either good or bad, we develop one of two styles of engagement when it comes to emotions. David calls these two styles brooders and bottlers. Brooders get sucked into their emotional stories and start seeing themselves as victims. They believe they are their emotions.

Bottlers, tuck their emotions away into a dark corner of their minds and cling fiercely to a façade of strength – resisting their real emotions and fearing true vulnerability. In their attempts to respond in an emotionally mature way to situations, they shut down or suppress their real feelings. In reality, real emotional maturity is allowing for our emotions to be what they are; to accept our emotions from a place of curiosity instead of from a place of judgment.

We don’t just do this to ourselves, we also do it to the people we love. We may inadvertently shame our children or family members for emotions that we consider “negative”.

My experience of my own culture growing up, was similar. My culture is a shaming culture. Anger is bad. You are considered aggressive, or bad tempered, or moody if you express your anger. For women, it’s even worse. In a work setting, men are sometimes allowed to express their anger. Often, it’s considered assertiveness. However, if a woman asserts herself, she is called “a bitch” or she is “hysterical”, or “emotionally unstable”.

Even sadness or grief is bad. You are considered “too emotional” or “weak” if you cry too much or too often, or if you don’t project a sombre, strong persona at the loss of someone or something dear to you. You are expected to “get over it” and to “not make too much of a fuss”. You are praised for “just getting on with it”, for sucking it up, and staying strong, even in the face of tremendous heartache and grief. You are still expected to show up fully to life and move on from your grief quickly and with little fuss.

In my family specifically, even excitement, enthusiasm, exuberance, joy, were seen as too much. If I got too excited about something, I was told to tone it down, lest I risk embarrassing myself.

We live in a world that is addicted to solving problems. We jump to solutions as quickly as possible. As parents we sometimes want to “fix things” for our children, or get them to “calm down” as quickly as possible. And in the process, we fail to help them see that their emotions are inherently valuable. Emotions are valuable pieces of information that tell you what your inner landscape is really like. Susan David reasons that how you deal with your inner world, drives everything in your life.

Often, in these cultures, If you do express your authentic, raw emotions, people move away from you, not towards you. It’s almost as if they fear that they might get sucked into it, and would not be able to find their way out again. I didn’t realise how deeply ingrained this way of being was in me until recently.

Ever since I can remember, my family have used words like “emotional”, “dramatic”, “over-sensitive” or even “hysterical” to describe me. And I think for a long time I was proud of the fact that I was “too emotional”. I had a sense of my own sensitivity to life and other people’s emotions, and I thought that being “too emotional” meant that I understood my emotions and those of others. And yet, I was so resistant to experiencing my own emotions.

You see, all my life, I had been reacting, not truly experiencing my real emotions. Fear of rejection, fear of spiralling and getting stuck in a difficult emotion, or being overwhelmed by it, kept me at the surface level, simply reacting to life, and not really slowing down and giving myself permission to feel my real feelings.

So, ironically, my over-emotional responses to things were a direct result of living in a culture that rejected the acceptance, exploration, and expression of one’s real emotions. It was because I was too scared to admit what I was really feeling that I would react with anger, frustration, or tears.

Working with my coach on this helped me see that I could allow myself to be with my own emotions and that there is so much freedom in merely giving myself permission to be human. Emotions are part of the human experience. We would not be human if we didn’t also have emotions. And ignoring our emotions, is like cutting off a limb from our physical body. We need our emotions to fully show up and effectively function in the world.  

Susan David shares that appearing positive or optimistic has become “a new form of moral correctness”. This is what has now recently become known as “toxic positivity”. Toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic. Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human emotions that aren’t strictly happy or positive.

Toxic positivity can silence negative emotions, demean grief, and make people feel under pressure to pretend to be happy even when they are struggling. It denies people the expression of their true grief, sadness, fear, or disappointment. It violates the sacredness of the experience of grief as love in its wildest or rawest form.

Some examples of toxic positivity include:

• Telling a parent whose child has died to be happy that at least they can have children.
• Asserting after a catastrophe that “everything happens for a reason”.
• Urging someone to focus on the positive aspects of a devastating loss.
• Telling someone to get over their grief or suffering and focus on the good things in their life.
• Telling someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one that “they are in a better place now”.
• Labelling people who always appear positive or do not share their emotions as being stronger or more likable than others.
• Urging people to thrive no matter what adversity they face, such as telling people that they must use enforced time at home during the COVID-19 pandemic to develop new skills or improve their fitness.
• Brushing off someone’s concerns by saying, “it could be worse”.

 

Why is this toxic positivity harmful?

Firstly, it is shaming. When someone is suffering, they need to have space to express their emotions and known that their emotions are valid; that they can find relief with family, friends and loved ones. Toxic positivity sends the message that feelings of anger, grief, sadness, frustration etc., are unacceptable and thus, people are encouraged to hide what they really feel out of fear that they might be shamed for feeling the way they do.

Secondly, toxic positivity causes additional feelings of guilt. The underlying message is that if you are not finding something to feel positive about when faced with tragedy, then there is something “wrong” with you. However, as Megan Devine shares, some things in life are simply tragic. They don’t happen for a reason. There is nothing to learn from it. It is simply a horrible thing that has happened to someone. If we insist that there is something to be learned or gained from it, we are also inadvertently sending the message that the person “deserved” what happened or is being “punished” for something.

Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism for real authentic emotion. When other people engage in this type of behaviour, it allows them to sidestep emotional situations with others that might make them feel uncomfortable. And sometimes we even turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing these toxic ideas. When we feel difficult emotions, we then discount, dismiss, and deny them.

It prevents real growth. You see, as I mentioned before, emotions are valuable pieces of information. They tell us what is really going on in our inner landscape. They are pointing us to the things we need to pay attention to in our lives.

However, if we don’t feel we have permission to feel what we feel, we avoid feeling those feelings. We side-step the discomfort of the feelings that are the very answer to our relief and freedom from the pain we are experiencing. Sometimes our feelings are painful, and facing those feelings can ultimately lead to growth and deeper insight.

I often share with my clients the story of the bear hunt. There is a children’s storybook by Michael Rosen that I love reading to my kids called We are going on a Bear Hunt. In the story, they repeat the refrain, “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. The only way is through it.” That is how it is with emotions too. Our so called “difficult” emotions are there for a reason, and the way to release ourselves from their grip, is to go through them; i.e., to allow ourselves our own human experience of them. To acknowledge how we really feel, and to allow the emotion to be there without judgment or shame, can be so freeing.

If you have bought into the mindset of toxic positivity, you might resist feeling your emotions or being open to what they are pointing you to. You might be looking for a way around them – i.e., either over or under – and consequently, you unknowingly keep yourself stuck in the spiral of that emotion. You see, emotions need to be released. And they can only be released if they are truly felt.

When we push aside normal human emotions in favour of false positivity, we lose the opportunity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is. And as Byron Katie explains, when we deny what is, we are living in conflict with reality, and we make life harder than it needs to be. Embracing what is, means we open ourselves up to the flow of life. Falling in love with what is, is the path to freedom from emotional pain.

If you say that you don’t want to try something new, because you are afraid you might fail and feel disappointed, or you don’t want to risk being vulnerable with someone for fear that you might be rejected, or you just want a specific feeling to go away, because it makes you so uncomfortable, you are basically saying you don’t want to participate in being human. Or as Susan David would say, “you are pursuing dead people’s goals”. Only dead people never get inconvenienced by their feelings. Only dead people never get stressed or never have their hearts broken, or never have to deal with the disappointment that accompanies failure.

As Susan David explains, tough emotions are part of our contract with life. She is often quoted as saying that “discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life”. Having feelings, and having to be in the discomfort of our feelings, is part of the human experience. Pursuing a meaningful career, raising a family, making your mark in this world, all these things require a measure of stress and discomfort. That is partly why you are here; i.e., to have full access to the human experience that is available to you.

What is on the other side of that feeling you are resisting or denying? Freedom. Clarity. Insight. Relief. Acceptance. Love. Joy. Understanding. Authentic acceptance. The freedom to take renewed action in your life if necessary.

Research on emotional suppression reveals that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they actually get stronger. You might think that you are in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact, they are controlling you. According to Susan David, our suppressed internal pain always comes out. Always. And think about who pays the price when we do finally erupt and can no longer contain the pain? You do. And your loved ones. Your children. Your partner. Your colleagues. Even your community.

The radical acceptance of all your emotions, even the messy and difficult ones, is the cornerstone of resilience and thriving in life. It is when we are willing to lean into the discomfort of our real emotions and be open to what they are trying to teach us, that we can transform our lives. It is when we are radically honest with ourselves, that we love fiercely and truly.

Amber Krzys, who is known for her fierce loving describes the idea of fierce loving so beautifully. She explains that fierce loving means loving all of you; even the parts of you that you don’t like about yourself. It’s acknowledging that you have strengths and weaknesses and embracing that you are human. It is being radically honest with yourself about what you really feel and giving yourself full permission to see your own greatness, despite your fears.

In truly seeing yourself and fully accepting yourself – i.e., fiercely loving yourself, you are able to see others too. You open yourself up to their beauty and brilliance and you can be radically honest with them too, because that my friend, is how authentic relationships are created and nurtured.

References:

1. David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Penguin Books.
2. David, S. (2017). The gift and power of emotional courage. TEDWomen 2017. Available online at: https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage?language=en#t-45731
3. Devine D. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True.
4. Katie, B. (2003). Loving what is: Four questions that can change your life. New York: Harmony Books.
5. Rosen, M. (2003). We’re going on a Bear Hunt. New York: Simon & Schuster.