“Life is full of diving boards and other precipices, but, as we’ve seen throughout this discussion of emotional agility, making the leap is not about ignoring, fixing, fighting, or controlling fear — or anything else you might be experiencing. Rather, it’s about accepting and noticing all your emotions and thoughts, viewing even the most powerful of them with compassion and curiosity, and then choosing courage over comfort in order to do whatever you’ve determined is most important to you. Courage, once again, is not the absence of fear. Courage is fear walking.” ― Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life
Over the last few weeks most of the conversations I’ve been having, have been around feeling more tired than usual – exhausted actually. 2020 took its toll on all of us and it seems that even though we are making slow progress, the end is not in sight yet. This new now is here to stay for a while longer.
More specifically, I think the level of exhaustion people are experiencing currently ties into the time of year. January is the month of new beginnings and resolutions. We resolve to become better people and do more. We resolve to become fitter, healthier, happier, and more productive. And I think this year, there was the added nuance, of wanting more for ourselves than we felt we allowed ourselves in 2020. It’s like the whole world held its breath for the whole of 2020 and waited to exhale once the countdown into the new year was over.
However, the exhale never came. Instead, we are still holding our breaths, still waiting for the green light for life to get back to “normal”. And this constant state of expectation and hesitation is adding to the level of exhaustion people currently experience.
February is here. The novelty of the new year has worn off. Now we are simply in another year, going around the sun one more time, and now the reality of it all has hit us. We are still in the middle of a global pandemic, still trying to make sense of the loss, trauma, and grief we experienced in 2020. We are still trying to find a new rhythm to the chaos that is our lives. And there seems to be no rest in sight, no communal sigh of relief that we’ve finally reached the end of this, and we can now just get on with it.
We, as a global community, are currently facing one of the biggest challenges of our lives as we attempt to navigate this global pandemic. Many people are struggling to maintain daily routines. We are required to isolate in our homes and distance ourselves from our family, friends, and neighbours. We are navigating the trauma of inexplicable loss. We are grappling with cycles of fear, hope and disappointment.
It’s a time full of difficult and overwhelming emotions that range from uncertainty to anxiety, to fear, to sadness, to desperation, to confusion and frustration, from hope and anticipation, to anger and disappointment. And as is human nature, we all turn to whatever coping mechanism makes sense to us currently, whether productive or otherwise.
Some of us brood over our feelings and obsessively watch the statistics or read the news. We struggle to concentrate. We lie awake at night, unable to sleep; or we sleep all the time. We quarrel with the people in our household. Our homes used to be our sanctuaries; now they are our prisons. Some of us choose to bottle up all the fear, anxiety, confusion, and despair, and simply continue to blindly pursue whatever gives us a sense of normalcy, even though there is no sense of normalcy right now. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be sad. Or that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
According to Susan David, our culture often dictates the idea that natural emotions are either good or bad, positive or negative, and as a result, we often find ourselves forcing a façade of happiness, rather than authentically embracing our emotional reality.
Embracing the reality of our situation doesn’t’ mean you are anti-happiness. But let’s be honest here, pushing aside normal emotions to embrace a false positivity, isn’t exactly happiness. It’s inauthentic. And it’s exhausting to maintain the façade and to pretend that we are fine when we are not. Consequently, we also reduce our capacity to develop the skills needed to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.
David tells us that now is not the time for white-knuckled control and for holding on to what we consider normal for dear life. Instead, this time in our lives is an invitation to cultivate the wisdom and courage to move forward with emotional agility.
What does that mean?
The Emotional Pyramid of Needs
In the spirit of Maslow’s Hierarchy, David has developed what she calls the Emotional Pyramid of Needs. This Emotional Pyramid of Needs (below) illustrates the critical steps we can follow to deal with both the reality of our present and the emotions that come with this reality in a healthy way. The steps outlined in the pyramid can enable us to become more resilient and agile in a time when we really need it. Additionally, these skills, if practiced, can serve us for a lifetime.
Gentle Acceptance
The foundation of the pyramid is gentle acceptance. As much as we want to, we cannot control every situation. In fact, if this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we have less control than we imagine. Stephen Covey distinguished the circle of control from the circle of influence, explaining that when we spend our time in our circle of control or concern, we become exhausted and depleted, and our capacity to deal with life or have an impact in this world diminishes. What is the circle of control? It’s everything that is outside of our control – the weather, politics, crime and corruption, illness, death, war, pandemics, other people’s emotions and reactions… Those are things we simply cannot control, and spending our time and energy on trying to control them, is energy wasted. It leads to a sense of hopelessness and despair and in the words of Steve Chandler, it turns us into a victim of our circumstances.
The circle of influence is a much more empowering space to be in. It requires that we focus our energy on what we can control. The details of that will be fleshed out in the next steps of the pyramids. What’s important to say here, is that David urges us – just like the Stoics did – to accept the things we cannot change and to adapt instead of resist.
Compassion
David urges us to be kind to ourselves. Empathy and compassion for others and for ourselves. These are not normal times: hundreds of thousands of people are dying and losing their livelihoods. Recognise that you are trying to live your life, and juggle competing demands in abnormal circumstances. Give yourself a break and let go of perfectionism. Now is not the time for perfection. It is a time for self-forgiveness and flexibility.
Additionally, see if you can let go of judging others. They, too, are doing the best they can. Sometimes the things others do baffle us, because we cannot fathom their behaviour from our own worldview. Just know that on the inside, they are also navigating their own emotional turmoil. They are also struggling to find a sense of normalcy in this chaos, and they are also desperately clinging to any form of hope, and trying to cope.
For some of us, empathy for others is difficult. For some of us, empathy for others comes easy, but we find it hard to give it to ourselves. If you are holding yourself to a different standard than you are holding others, recognise that it might be the reason why you are feeling so exhausted. There is an opportunity here for self-love and self-care.
For the caregivers and pleasers among us, prioritising self-care might feel selfish. However, self-care – especially in times like these – is not selfish. In fact, it’s the most selfless thing you can do. It’s a way to ensure that you give your best self to others when they need your support, instead of giving them what’s left of you. Or as my coach likes to say, self-care is soul care. It’s a way to care for that part of you that has the inner wisdom to navigate the complexities of life.
Routine
Many of us turn to routines to help us maintain a sense of order. It’s the glue that holds us together from day to day. Finding a routine while working from home, homeschooling, and living in close quarters with others, or living alone isolated from others, can be hard. In fact, it can be downright scary and chaotic. You might feel like your life is spinning out of control and that it will never get better.
David invites us to fill the gaps of the unknown in our lives with things that are comfortable, familiar, and connected with our values. Healthy routines are essential – not only during a pandemic, but also during any other time in your life. Routines associated with sleep, exercise, and healthy eating, ensure that we build our physical resilience to cope with the challenges we inevitably will face.
Our bodies and our minds are interconnected, and our physical health is reflected in our psychological state. Try to ground yourself during the day by incorporating experiences that are reminiscent of your normal lifestyle, or by creating new routines that bring a sense of normalcy to this not-so-normal time in your life. Whether that means waking up at the time you would normally commute to work, or maintaining your family tradition of Friday movie night, the preservation of small habits provides a sense of comfort and allows you to focus on your circle of influence.
Focusing on your circle of influence means that you focus on what you can control. The things you can control include how you show up in your life, your attitude, your reactions, your words, and actions. Those are the only things that are truly in your direct control, and they have the biggest impact on your world.
Connection
It’s important to note that “social distancing” is really physical distancing. We all crave connection and belonging. It’s built into our DNA. Even the most anti-social and recluse among us, need connection.
Connection is so important, now more than ever. Even though you cannot be in someone’s physical presence, you can continue to nourish your relationships, especially if you’re feeling lonely. You need that support. Also, if safe, make sure to hug your child and/or partner often. Put down your phone and laugh with your family, play games, do puzzles. If you live alone, reach out to your loved ones. Try to approach the situation creatively by scheduling Zoom dinner dates or virtual game nights.
Spend time thinking about the connections you want to nurture and reach out to those people who fill your emotional energy tank. Have conversations, even if they happen virtually. Navigating the complexities of this uncertain landscape is made harder when we cut ourselves off from connection. Instead, ensure that you connect to those you love; that you have conversations; that you share your experiences.
There is no reason to put your relationships on hold just because you can’t be physically present in the same room. In fact, this might be an incredible opportunity to deepen your relationships with the people in your life you value most. Ask them more questions. Listen deeply to what they share. Tell them how you really feel.
Courage
Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all our emotions – even the messy, difficult ones – is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and true, authentic happiness. Courage is more than just the acceptance of our difficult emotions. Our emotions are data. They tell us what needs our attention or what is missing in our lives. A “guilty” parent might be missing real connection with their child. Grief is love looking for a home.
In fact, according to Megan Devine, grief is the deepest from of love there is. It is love in its most wild and raw form. Grief should be allowed, not supressed; especially if you’ve lost someone close to you. Allow yourself to be with the pain. Supressing it, ignoring it, or feeling like you simply need to “get over it” or “get on with it”, turns normal pain into suffering. It denies our humanity and the loss we have experienced. Acknowledging our grief, is honouring of who we love, and what we’ve lost.
During these challenging times, really slow down and face into your difficult emotions with courage. Susan David describes it so beautifully when she says, “Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s fear walking”. What we resist, persists. You cannot outrun your emotions. They are part of you. Not facing them and being with what is uncomfortable, means that they will simply surface in unexpected ways and situations and overwhelm you. So, be with what is uncomfortable inside of you. Invite it in. You won’t drown. I promise. You will set yourself free to make better decisions and take value-based actions.
Reset
This slowed down – the world is holding its breath – time in our lives is the perfect time for deep reflection. What priorities did you once have that no longer seem important? What parts of your old “normal” do you not want to rush back to once this is all over? What parts of your old “normal” do you long for? Keep a journal, and reflect on what you learn about yourself. You might be surprised at what you discover.
It’s during the most difficult times in our lives that our values are truly tested. We discover what’s most important to us. So, in a way, this could be such an incredible gift in your life. If this time allows you to discover what’s most important to you, and what really gives your life meaning, then it is the greatest gift. There is an opportunity to honour what’s most important by setting some value promises for yourself, and ensuring that you honour your values in your day-to-day life.
Wisdom
Susan David reminds us that “life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility”. We are young until we are not. We walk down the streets feeling sexy until, one day, we realise that we are unseen. We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees. We feel powerful until one day we notice we are alone. The only certainty is uncertainty, and once we realise this as truth, the healthier and more authentically happy we will be.
Shirzad Chamine teaches us that the harder we work at controlling everything in our lives, the more out of control we feel. The more we feel like victims of our circumstances. It’s a game you can’t ever win, since you cannot control the outcome.
Staying curious
Accepting the uncertainty of life doesn’t mean you resign yourself to going aimlessly through life. It simply means that you don’t waste precious mental and emotional energy fretting about things you have no control over. It means you accept life as it unfolds instead of pushing against it. It means you opt for curiosity instead of judgment.
Instead of judging every situation as either good or bad, you remain curious on three levels:
- What can you learn from your experiences that will help you navigate similar future experiences more effectively?
- What could you grow inside yourself that helps you become a better version of yourself and live with more purpose and intention?
- What about the situation inspires you and can be turned into a gift or an opportunity?
Find the gift
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learnt in my life, is to find the gift in every situation. It helps me reframe any experience to look for what I could learn from the experience or how it could actually be something good in my life. So, what if we could let go of the idea that we need to “get to the end of this pandemic”? What if we could let go of needing to control the outcome? What if we could simply meet ourselves where we are right now?
What if you were to acknowledge that you are tired and fed up and spread too thin? What if you were to admit to yourself that this has been hard – so incredibly hard. And that perhaps you don’t have as much control as you imagined. What if it was ok to not be ok right now? What if it simply is what it is, and you could just meet yourself there and practice some compassionate self-forgiveness?
Forgive yourself for believing that you could control the outcome. Forgive yourself for expecting more of yourself than what you were humanly capable of handling during the middle of a global pandemic. What if none of this is either good or bad, but it simply is? What if you were to give yourself permission to feel tired and to rest? What if you were to give yourself permission to cry and let out that pent up frustration? What if being with what you’ve been trying to avoid, could actually relieve some of the pain?
Self-care is soul care
I come across so many posts on social media about the need for self-care. And there are so many different opinions about what self-care is or isn’t. What is most intriguing to me, is the prevalence of the topic. It seems people are looking for outside confirmation that self-care is needed. So, my question to you is, what does self-care mean to you? What would it look like if you were to take care of yourself, because that is essentially what we are talking about here?
People often liken self-care to putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. The reasoning is that when you are cared for, you have more capacity to give to others. This makes sense of course. But here is my question, have you ever slowed down enough to consider what the oxygen is that you require right now?
And if you know what you need, what would that practically look like, if you were to put on your own mask first? For some of us, that is the hardest part. If you are a pleaser, or caretaker, or you currently find yourself in a situation where you are literally taking care of ailing parents, or little children, or the sick and dying, then it might feel selfish to even consider taking time out to care for yourself. What if you are needed? What if something happens when you let your guard down?
And let’s face it a bubble bath won’t cut it, right? So, again, what’s your oxygen? What is your soul calling for? What would you grant someone else in a heartbeat if they requested it, that you are not granting yourself? And what is getting in the way of you granting that to yourself?
Our time on this earth is all too short and all too precious. Life is asking us all right now, are you agile? Let the answer be an unreserved “yes.” Let it be a yes borne from a deep resonance in your own heart where you have seen yourself for who you truly are. It’s only in seeing yourself, that you are able to see others too. And it’s in seeing and acknowledging each others pain that we begin the process of healing.
References:
- Breytenbach, C. (2020). Setting resolutions of a different kind. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/setting_resolutions_of_a_different_kind/
- Breytenbach, C. (2020). The Value of Stoic Principles in Times of Crisis. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/value_of_stoic_principles_in_times_of_crisis/
- Breytenbach, C. (2020). When life gives you a “new now”. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/when_life_gives_you_a_new_now/
- Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence: Why only 20% of teams and individuals achieve their true potential and you can achieve yours. Austin, Texas: Greenleaf Book Group.
- Chandler, S. (2017). Reinventing Yourself, 20th Anniversary Edition: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be. Career Press.
- Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York: Fireside.
- David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Penguin Random House.
- David, S. (2017). The gift and power of emotional courage. TEDWomen 2017. Available online at: https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage?language=en
- Devine D. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True.