Cultivating an intrinsic sense of happiness and wellbeing

Recently, Daniel Goleman shared in his newsletter, his ideas on happiness. He explains that there is a difference between the kind of happiness that depends on what happens to us on any particular day, and a deeper sense of joy or satisfaction that comes from within. The first can easily take a dive whenever there’s adversity. Any negative situation can cause us to fall out of happiness – e.g., a global pandemic and a time of lockdown, economic recession, natural disasters, etc. And let’s face it, bad things happen often, so if our sense of joy and fulfillment depends on factors outside of ourselves, we have basically elected to ride an emotional roller coaster every day.

The second form of happiness offers a sort of inoculation against these ups and downs. Goleman refers to it as being “happy for no reason.” Some would probably equate it to a type of Stoicism where you are unaffected by anything that happens outside of yourself.

I have spent some time thinking about this and even though I agree with Goleman that cultivating an inner state of happiness or wellbeing is preferable, I do want to clarify some misconceptions about what that means or what it should look like. Cultivating inner joy does not mean that you are unaffected by what happens outside of you. It simply means that you have a stable base to return to and that you have accepted certain truths in life and no longer push against those truths. I would like to discuss some of these truths to help you, dear reader, navigate this landscape of cultivating a sense of inner wellbeing.

Is anything really bad?

The first thing I would like to question is this assumption that certain things are good, and others are bad. Is that really true? And I can hear you say, well of course things can be good or bad. Are you not living in the real world? Have you not seen what is happening in the world right now? I hear you. Just bare with me for a second. I would like to share a Taoist story with you that I learned from Shirzad Chamine. This story changed my perspective on the concept of good or bad. The story goes as follows:

There once was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbours came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Who knows what is good or bad”, the farmer replied.

 

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbours exclaimed. “Who knows what is good or bad”, replied the old man.

 

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbours again came to offer their sympathy at his misfortune. “Who knows what is good or bad”, answered the farmer.

 

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Who knows what is good or bad”, said the farmer again.

Now, apart from the fact that this farmer lived in a very eventful town, there is something to consider here. We are so quick to judge something as either good or bad. It’s just how we’ve learnt to navigate life. We judge situations to assess how we should react to the situation. The trouble with this way of being in the world is, that we don’t have the foresight to know how a specific event will turn out, so we assess it based on how we feel about it in the moment, without knowing what might come from this event.

Sometimes things are bad

Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes bad things do happen for no apparent reason. Losing a loved one to cancer, or horrific accidents, rape, murder, and other acts of senseless violence. These things make no sense. They cause harm, and leave us with no answers, and without the ones we’ve lost. There is no good reason why someone dies. And in situations like these, trying to reason that there is a reason for it, or that we caused it in some way, or that it is punishment for something, or that we will become better people from this experience, is utter nonsense. And it turns real pain into unnecessary suffering.

So, if you have lost someone close to you through some senseless act of violence, or through COVID, or an accident or whatever, know that this is not your fault. There is no “lesson to learn” here. This will not make you stronger. This is a legitimate situation where something painful has occurred and it cannot be rectified. It is not a problem that can be solved. The pain of loss and grief is a pain that needs to be honoured and integrated. We learn to live with loss and grief. It never goes away; we simply find a way to live with the pain.

And dear reader, if anyone in your life is currently telling you that you need to “get over it” or that “this too shall pass” or any other nonsensical platitude, then you have my permission to cut contact with that person for a while or even permanently. Your grief is legitimate. You are not crazy. And this is the one rare exception where you get to say, “this is bad”, because it is.

Yet, even in grief, there is something beautiful and sacred. Megan Devine describes it best when she says that grief is merely love in its most wild and pure form. There is no wilder and purer form of love if you think about it. We grieve for the essence of the one we loved. We grieve their presence in our lives. We grieve how they made us feel and how they gave meaning to our life. We grieve the future we will now never have. We bare witness to this person who walked this earth, whose essence has impacted this world (whether that was briefly or for many years).

So, if no-one in your life gets this right now, then please read Megan Devine’s book and know that you are seen and understood. You are not crazy. And it’s ok that you are not ok.

The voice of the Judge

Now, situations of grief aside, I would like to return to my main point again. Is anything really bad? Or good for that matter? Or are things simply what they are? Is it simply the natural ebb and flow of life with ups and downs and with no way for us to predict with certainty whether something is good or bad?

You see, we have what Shirzad Chamine calls an inner Judge. The inner Judge or Inner Critic as it is sometimes also called, is a voice in our head. This is the voice we hear when we judge ourselves, when we judge or criticize others, and when we judge situations as either good or bad. The Judge wants you to believe that it keeps you safe when it does this, and that without it, you wouldn’t successfully navigate this world. It convinces you that you need it; that it keeps you safe.

Our Judge is formed in childhood and it really is the way we learn to navigate the world when we are small. We assess situations and people to figure out if we will be safe and cared for, or whether we need to do something to ensure our survival and acceptance, and to earn sufficient love and care to continue to grow.

Then at some point in adulthood our Judge becomes our biggest obstacle in life. It is how we get in our own way. Think about it. How often have you felt inspired to take action in your life, only for your Judge to tell you that you won’t succeed? You don’t know enough. Or you aren’t smart of good enough. Or it will never work. Or you will just fail again, like you always do. Or you are going to make a fool of yourself or disappoint people in your life… and on and on it goes.

Your Judge also tells you that you need to judge others. You need to find what is wrong with them. And in a backwards way, this is how we make ourselves feel better. You see, if you have this inner judge or critic in your head berating you every day, then of course you don’t feel great about yourself, and judging others is a way to level the playing field. You are not the only one that is bad, useless, incompetent, ugly or whatever. See, other people are just as bad. By putting others down, we feel slightly more elevated. We convince ourselves that even though we have flaws, and this inner voice is telling us that we suck, at least we don’t suck as much as the people around us.

Can you see how you set yourself up for misery? How can you possibly feel happy and content if your inner Judge never shuts up and if you must put others down to make yourself feel better?

Cultivating the lie of scarcity

And then of course your Judge really wants you to buy into the lie of scarcity. Your Judge needs you to buy into this lie to ensure its survival. Lynne Twist explains that we cultivate the lie of scarcity by perpetuating three toxic myths:

1. There isn’t enough.
2. More is better.
3. It’s just the way it is.

These three toxic myths mean we end up feeling like we can never have enough and that there is always more to do or have. It makes us feel unworthy and erodes our own intrinsic sense of value. It creates a situation where we mindlessly chase things we don’t need, believing that these things will fill the void and make us feel better. And we resign ourselves to this endless rat race, because we believe there is no other way. So, we don’t even try to change it. And in the process, we don’t notice the abundance in life that is right in front of us.

How do we turn it all around?

These are all lies. The truth is that you have intrinsic value, and your worth is not measured in monetary terms or in job titles, career success, material success, what you look like, who you date or marry, the size of your house, the speed of your car, how many degrees or accolades you’ve accumulated, etc. You are worthy, because you are spirit. You are life in human form, navigating the complexities of this world. You are here to experience this life – both the ups and the downs – all of it in its complexity and nuance.

You are intrinsically worthy, because you are alive. And your Essence knows this. Your Essence, by the way, is the Inner Observer that knows about the voice of the Judge. It’s the inner resistance you feel to your Judge. A little tug at the back of your mind telling you that you know the Judge is wrong. Shirzad Chamine calls this essence your Sage. There are other names for it too – Authentic Self, Higher Self, Inner Wisdom, The Observer, Spirit. It doesn’t matter what you call it, pick the name that resonates with you. But know that it is there. It has always been there. Unchanging, ever observant and patient. It’s the part of you that wants you to take action and transform your life. It’s the part of you that knows that you are capable. That wants you to trust yourself. That knows that you are wise and that you actually know what you are called to do here on this earth.

Yet, so few of us heed that call from the inner Sage. So many of us choose to simply ignore it and go about our lives trapped in the lie of scarcity. The Sage sees the abundance of life, however. The Sage knows that there is more than enough. That you are enough. And that when you turn your energy inwards and work from the inside out, anything is possible.

Cultivating Inner Wellbeing

Goleman tells us that there are ways that we can cultivate our inner wellbeing. When I look at the steps he offers, I notice that they help us move closer to our Sage. So, it might be worth our time to look at the steps and see what’s available to us.

Step 1: Awareness

The first step Goleman talks about is awareness. Those of you who have worked with me, will know that my philosophy is that awareness is the first step, and that greater self-awareness is the answer to a more authentic, fulfilling and engaged life.

Awareness is about, knowing what’s happening in your own mind. It’s what Goleman calls “meta-awareness”. By paying attention to what’s going on in your mind, you activate the Observer or Sage, and you get to see how you cause a lot of your own suffering.

A useful activity here, would be to start noticing your thoughts. At random times during the day, stop and assess what’s going on for you. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What’s happening around you? What is the voice in your head saying to you? If you start tracking this for a few days, you will be amazed at the havoc your Judge causes in your inner world, and often this spills into the outer world, causing friction in your relationships with others and causing you to not always show up as your best self.

Research at Harvard found that people’s minds wander almost 50% of the time. That means that for at least half of your day, you are not present to your life and life is simply happening to you. No wonder you feel so out of control. You aren’t in control. You are allowing the Judge to run the show for HALF of your life. Meta-awareness lets you notice when your mind is wandering and brings it back to what’s important right now. It allows the Sage – i.e. your own inner wisdom and knowing – to steer you in life. Then you are no longer on autopilot. You become actively engaged in your life.

Step 2: Connection

The second step that Goleman talks about is connection. Goleman refers to connection as having nourishing relationships. However, I see connection as going much deeper than that. Naturally, connection is about nourishing relationships, but it starts with having a nourishing relationship with yourself first; then cultivating nourishing relationships with others. Why is it so important to cultivate a connection with yourself?

In my work – both on myself and with my clients – I have discovered that people have a hard time with empathy for themselves. We often find it easier to have empathy and compassion for others than for ourselves. Of course, your Judge likes it this way. Your Judge wants you to believe that if you stopped being hard on yourself, you would stop being motivated and you would not do anything. Your Judge wants you to believe that you need it to stay motivated.

But think about it, do you really feel motivated when you beat yourself up about mistakes and past failures? Or when you berate yourself for perceived mishaps or for not being perfect or good enough? Or do you end up avoiding trying altogether simply to not feel so bad about yourself? Be honest.

Shirzad Chamine offers an incredibly powerful challenge for increasing your self-love and self-compassion. He suggests finding a photo of yourself as a child – preferably younger than 13 years of age – and then spending some time looking at the photo of your younger self. You want to refrain from judging the photo. You want to focus on noticing the essence of the child. What are the essential characteristics that the child in the photo exudes naturally?

Write these down. Then rewrite these characteristics in first person as an “I am” statement. For example:

I am aware.

I am wise.

I am courageous.

I am curious.

I am eager to learn.

I am joy.

I am kind.

I am compassionate.

I am open.

I am presence…

… you get the idea. Read these statements back to yourself. Look at your childhood photo and remember that this child is you. They live inside of you. Always have. Always will. You are this beautiful essence. The question is, can you love them unconditionally?

For some, this practice comes easy, once they open their hearts to their younger selves. I’m going to be honest with you, this practice was not easy for me. I’ve learnt from Chamine, and from others who have experienced immense trauma in childhood, that they find it difficult to go there. However, just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value. In fact, being with the discomfort of those feelings and slowly over time learning to love that little person unconditionally, not only serves you, but it also serves those in your life too. So, every day, I practice looking at the little person looking back at me and I feel love for her. And in those moments when my Judge shows up and wants me to judge her and criticize her, I choose to love her instead, because she deserves it too.

Step 3: Insight

Goleman describes insight as the third step. He defines insight as knowing the stories about ourselves or the voice in our heads – i.e. that stream of thought that’s going on from the moment we wake up to the minute we fall asleep. Another way to put this is the voice of the Saboteur/Judge or Inner Critic. Once you are aware of this voice, it becomes easier to notice and to pay closer attention to how it shows up in different situations in your life and sabotages your best efforts at personal transformation.

Being able to notice the mental chatter and call it out, is one way of coming back into the present moment. However, I want to invite you to take it one step further and to see if you can also notice the Observer self or Sage. Can you hear the quiet whisper of the Observer? Can you notice yourself reacting to a situation and then notice the inner pull that wants you to slow down? Can you feel the energy of the Sage in moments of flow when you are deeply immersed in something you love? Can you allow yourself to experience the playful joy of the Sage when you feel inspired by something, or when you find ways to honour your deepest values?

This inner wisdom is always there. To access it requires you to slow down. Simply slow down to the speed of life and you will notice it. It’s waiting to be heard.

Step 4: Purpose

Goleman reasons that being motivated by a sense of purpose or deeper meaning that is larger than mere self-interest, is the final step in creating this inner sense of wellbeing and joy. If we find purpose in helping people or some goal toward a greater good, it gives us a sense of wellbeing no matter what else may happen.

The question around purpose or meaning is not an easy one to answer. For some it becomes clear the moment they slow down enough to question what’s most important to them. For others, purpose seems to elude. Some of the most self-aware and spiritual people I know still don’t know what their purpose or legacy is. Don’t let your Judge tell you that you lack purpose or that you have no purpose, just because you find it difficult to verbalise it.

Instead, I want to invite you to pay attention to what brings you joy and what lights you up? If you were to assess the activities in your day and ask yourself what brought you the most joy or which activities did you find most engaging, what would you answer?

Another way to look at this is to ask yourself what you care about? What makes you angry? What gets you riled up? What do you talk about most? Which sections of a bookstore do you frequent? Or which podcasts do you listen to? All these things provide clues to what you are being called to do or what you care about.

And purpose doesn’t have to change the world. It simply has to change YOUR world. You don’t have to impact millions. A mother who commits herself deeply to the care of her child, might not impact the whole world, but she is definitely shaping that child’s life in profound ways and her legacy will live on in that child, even if she never becomes famous.

My final question to you is this: If you were fearless, what would you get up to? What would you dare to try?

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Getting to Know your Inner Critic. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/getting_to_know_your_inner_critic/
2. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Reclaiming our Citizenship. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/reclaiming_our_citizenship/
3. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Slowing down to the speed of life. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/slowing_down_to_the_speed_of_life/
4. Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence: Why only 20% of teams and individuals achieve their true potential and you can achieve yours. Austin, Texas: Greenleaf Book Group.
5. Chandler, S. (2017). Reinventing Yourself, 20th Anniversary Edition: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be. Career Press.
6. Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York: Fireside.
7. David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Penguin Random House.
8. David, S. (2017). The gift and power of emotional courage. TEDWomen 2017. Available online at: https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage?language=en
9. Devine D. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True.
10. Twist, L. (2017). The Soul of Money: Reclaiming the wealth of our inner resources. New York: Norton.