Do you know what fullness feels like?

So many of us live deeply embedded in the scarcity mindset cultivated by our society that’s focused on profit over people, and on outcomes over experiences. Living in this scarcity mindset creates the experience of feeling like we never have enough, can never do enough, and sometimes even that we, ourselves, are not enough. 

A while ago, I proposed the question: What is the opposite of scarcity? In that article I pointed out the absurdity of striving for abundance. I still vividly recall Steve Chandler’s rant about the desire for abundance in his book, Right Now. Steve starts off with the definition of abundance as “excess” or “an over-sufficient supply of something” and then postulates that seeking abundance; wanting it all, is actually quite vulgar. In his words, when you are striving for abundance, you are seeking “… an overwhelming and unnecessary plentiful amount of something. You actually have enough to gag on… Imagine all the people praying for that? I want to gag, Lord. Let me gag on material things…”

This made me laugh. And it made me stop to reconsider the question my coach has asked me many, many times: What’s enough? How do we even know if we’ve reached the state of enoughness? 

Recently, during a Summer of Love Tuscany Post-Retreat Call, I was introduced to a new concept around this idea of enoughness. One of the women on the call shared the experience of feeling like she had had enough connection, pleasure, fun, and romance. She shared that she declined an invite for dinner, because she had simply had enough social interaction, and needed some alone time. She was sharing how weird that felt and then Kendra observed that she was experiencing fullness. 

What?! That’s a thing? I can actually get to a state of fullness or satiation?! 

I loved the metaphor that Kendra used to describe this. She talked about a baby sucking on a breast. The baby will suck until its hunger is satiated and then the baby will push the breast away. I saw this while breastfeeding both my babies. When a baby pushes away or refuses a breast, they are saying, “No, thank you. I’ve had enough.” And when we respect that, we teach the child that they can trust their own cues for hunger and fullness. 

I remember reading in Steven Kessler’s work on The Five Personality Patterns, how the Merging Pattern can sometimes get created in infancy when a baby, for some reason, doesn’t receive enough milk, and never experiences satiation. 

Now, fullness does not just apply to food. It can apply to love, affection, intimacy, romance, adventure, money, and so much more. It’s the opposite of scarcity. It’s enough. How do you know when you’ve actually had enough? Enough touch and affection? Enough to eat? Enough play and rest? When you have worked hard enough? Or when you have endured long enough?

What if it’s not when you reach the point of exhaustion, burnout, frustration or annoyance? What if exhaustion, burnout, frustration, annoyance, and overstimulation are indicators that you have ignored your signals, and you have gone beyond enough?

Personally, I have struggled with noticing my hunger and satiation cues all my life. Mostly, because I was either overfed, beaten when I didn’t want to eat, or food was withheld when I was misbehaving. Consequently, I learnt how to shut down hunger cues so I didn’t have to show weakness when having to go without food, and I could resist more effectively when being forced to eat. 

This strategy worked well when I was a child. And of course, has created so many problems and frustrations for me as an adult. So much of my struggles with my body stem from not being able to listen to the cues and signals of my body. 

In her book, Lost and Found, Geneen Roth proclaims that, in her experience, our issues with food mirror our issues with money. I have chewed (pun intended) on this thought many times, and have considered whether my issues with food and money mirror each other. I can’t say that I’ve deciphered the code yet, and I will say that I have experienced struggles in both these areas of my life. Neither food nor money have been neutral to me. They have always been overlain with so many stories and beliefs, so many frustrations, and what often feels like mental blocks. 

When I slow down to consider this question: Do you know what fullness feels like? I can honestly say, only sometimes and only in some areas of my life. What I do know is that there is a link between connection with self, and being able to tap into fullness. 

In the areas of my life where I have reconnected with who I am and what I want, I experience more feelings of enoughness or fullness. I can also catch myself more easily when I drop into comparison with others, judgements about myself, or stories about how it should be, instead of simply being in the gratitude and experience of what is. 

Pushing through instead of slowing down

For years, I simply pushed through when my nervous system was already overstimulated and my body was already exhausted. I would make myself “get through” conversations / events / situations / the day, even when I already felt exhausted or overstimulated. And time and again, I would eventually melt down or have – what I perceived as – an extreme reaction to something, i.e., my response was out of proportion to the “offending” stimulant. I would melt down when my printer wouldn’t work, or when the kids were being too loud, and then I would judge myself harshly for my reaction.

It wasn’t until I was willing to explore my shame around this with my coach that what got revealed was that my body and nervous system had reached satiation, and I had blown right past that, ignoring all the signals from my body. My meltdowns were not (as I had thought) the rantings of mad women, but the desperate cries of a woman who had pushed herself too far, and needed rest or quiet time away from all the things grabbing for her attention.

For ages women have been conditioned to be self-sacrificing. In fact, we often view our self-sacrificing behaviour as proof of our “goodness”. That is how deep the conditioning goes. And of course, we don’t always see how destructive this conditioning is. Constantly sacrificing your own needs for the needs / wants/ desires / comforts of others not only leaves you feeling exhausted, depleted, and resentful, it also means you are showing up to those you love and care about most, and the causes in life that matter most to you, empty. 

You bring a depleted, warn-out, over-stimulated, cranky version of yourself to that which matters most to you. I imagine you can guess how that goes, and how you end up feeling after trying to make yourself do more after you have already reached your own saturation point?

The fear underneath

So, why do we do it, if we don’t seem to benefit from it? The short answer: fear. 

You see, from the perspective of the version of us who created the self-sacrificing behaviour (i.e., the version of you who chose to start sacrificing your own needs, wants, and desires for others), it made perfect sense, and you do actually benefit from it. Somewhere along the course of your life, you learnt that being self-sacrificing is how you could get the love, approval, and connection you so desperately craved. So, you just kept doing it.

If we do something long enough, and we often get results from it, we can easily convince ourselves that there is no other way. Or we can become so used to being the one who is always available, who carries all, takes care of everyone, never says no, and can handle it all whilst not needing anything – that we become afraid of losing that identity. Who would be if we were no longer valued for our efforts or our outputs? Would people still love us? Would we still matter?

These deep fears can drive the desire to continue to self-sacrifice, even when we intellectually know and understand that we are not bringing our best and most grounded selves to that which matters most, and it’s costing us dearly in loss of energy, time, joy, and self-expression. 

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2026). What is the opposite of scarcity? Available online: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/blog/whats-the-opposite-of-scarcity/
2. Chandler, S. (2017). Right Now: Mastering the Beauty of the Present Moment. Florida: Maurice Bassett.
3. Kessler, S. (2015). The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity. Bodhi Tree Press.
4. Roth, G. (2011). Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations About Food and Money. Viking. 
5. Twist, L. (2017). The Soul of Money: Reclaiming the Wealth of Our Inner Resources. WW Norton.