What’s in a story?

About two years ago I read the book Become a Key Person of Influence by Daniel Priestley and a line in the book has stuck with me ever since: “You are already standing on a mountain of value. Your story is valuable. Your experience is unique. You are highly valuable as you are.”

I consider myself a go-getter. I’m decisive and I take action. I’ve always believed that I get to create my life and that where I started did not define me. I don’t think I ever slowed down to consider how my experiences – i.e., my story – had shaped the person I am today. I think I had an intellectual understanding of that, but I wouldn’t really say that I could access that knowing on a deep intuitive level.

That all changed when I started my coaching journey with the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) in 2019. My training in the Co-Active Leadership Model involved a lot of inner work and deep reflection, and in our very last training course we were invited to tell our stories. You had to reflect on your journey and what brought you to coaching.

It was only then that I started unpacking my story and really looking at it. I saw how every step of my journey had prepared me for the work I do now. I saw how some of the most difficult things I have had to face in my life, served me in cultivating deep compassion and intuition. My life experiences gave me the skills I needed to do this very important work in the world.

A few years ago, my sister-in-law (a medical doctor with an artistic streak) gave me a hand-made painting for my birthday. It was a rendition of me standing on top of a mountain, and it read “she climbs mountains”. I loved the painting for its beauty and sentimental value, but never really saw myself as someone who “climbs mountains”. I had often wondered what exactly I did that gave my sister-in-law the impression that I was the kind of person who “climbed mountains”. The climbing mountain thing was figurative of course and represented me overcoming different obstacles.

It was only when I started valuing my own story and sharing that story with some of my closest friends, that I noticed how I had throughout my life, overcome various obstacles. I have always trusted my gut when making decisions about my life. I don’t settle for less than what I want, and I don’t give up. Ever. It’s just not in my nature to stop trying at things, even when I fail. 

I’ve had many close friends point out to me that they admire my clarity and sense of purpose, my passion and my sheer determination to keep going, even when circumstances are not always ideal. In a recent conversation, a close friend of mine said my focused attention on the things that are important to me sometimes intimidated her. I think I was surprised by that.

All through my twenties and early thirties, I had always looked as my life as a series of triumphs. I had overcome. I had fought. I had survived. I saw myself as a fighter and a survivor. I was tough as nails and I did not back down. I am decisive, intuitive, and I dive in with passion and determination. Once I commit to something, I commit fully with head, heart and gut, and I will fight to the bitter end…

Our immigration to Canada was a pivotal turning point in my life. Being without structure, being without the love and support of those I held most dear, I felt lost. I felt adrift at sea. I felt like my centre of gravity had been pulled out from under me, and for more than a year I could not regain my sense of direction and purpose. It was the most difficult challenge I have had to face. I had faced many challenges before then, but nothing could have prepared me for what lay ahead on this journey.

For the first time in my life, I could not fight or push my way through to the other side. I couldn’t just put my head down and get on with things. In the words of Marshall Goldsmith, what had gotten me here, was no longer serving me in getting me there where I felt I needed to be; which was a sense of feeling like I was back in the driver’s seat of my life – or perhaps in charge of steering the ship instead of just being afloat at sea.

I was not used to feeling lost and without a sense of purpose. For the first time in my life, I understood what other people had shared when they had felt lost and without purpose. And I could not think my way out of the situation I was in. I needed to slow down. Really slow down to the speed of life, and unpack my life and the stories I was telling myself.

I needed to do some deep inner work and painful reflection. I needed to really look at myself and at the speed at which I was moving. I needed to stop running. This new life required a completely different approach. It required a different energy and presence that I did not think I could harness inside myself.

Brené Brown writes: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

This was true for me at a deeper level. I had to discover the power of my own inner wisdom. I had to learn how to trust on a deeper intrinsic level that I could face challenges by myself, and that I could slow down to appreciate my life and how things were unfolding for me. I had to learn to trust that I am safe. That I had done enough, and that now I was safe. And thus, began my journey with my own coach and with my work as a coach…

Recently I was invited to tell my story and I was going back and forth about whether I wanted to share my story or not. My coach encouraged me to go through the experience and to give myself the gift of sharing my story.

According to Christine Hennebury, storytelling is a fundamental part of being human. Stories are woven throughout our lives, in almost every context and their function is to remind us that we are not alone. As Hennebury explains: “We all share stories. Of family, work, and of our experiences. We refer to myths, folklore, and characters from TV shows to explain things to ourselves and to others. We construct internal narratives to help us make sense of the world.”

Stories contain warnings and life lessons, history, and memories. Stories can evoke fear or inspire action. Through stories we not only share information, but we also build emotional connection. From this deeper emotional connection, we gain a deeper understanding of the other person and their experiences and perceptions of the world. Powerful stories can even help us learn important lessons from other people’s experiences, and can inspire us on our path towards our most important goals.

According to Hennebury, we construct internal narratives to make sense of our world. When you face challenges or difficulties in your life, often the story you are telling yourself about what you are facing determines whether you become the victim or the hero of your own story. Every big event or experience in your life has a version of the story where you are the victim of your circumstances, and a version of the story where you get to be the owner of your life.

I like to replace the word owner with the word author, because I like to think that I write my own story. And I can rewrite the story any time.

Whether sharing a story involves conveying important information, creating a communal experience, or building community connections, a story’s most important function is to remind us that we are not alone in the world. Despite our differences, the connections we make through stories give us the great relief of saying, “Oh, I’m not the only one who feels this way.”

Through my work as a coach, I have had the privilege of hearing people’s stories. In fact, I think the most important part of what I do, is to hold space for people’s stories. And I agree with Marcia Reynolds that the job of a coach is not to make people feel better, but to help them see better. It is my job to help you see how you are making yourself the victim of your circumstances by the stories you are telling yourself. If you are willing to look at the stories you tell yourself, I can support you in rewriting your story. I can help you take ownership of your life and write the story that resonates most deeply with you.

What I have also realised through this work, is that my story is irrelevant when I hold space for someone else. What I have done or lived through in my life has granted me the compassion and intuition to serve you powerfully, but it has no bearing on your story and on what you want to create. I can hold space for you even if I don’t tell my story.

This invitation to tell my story has had me back in forth in circles. And then I realised that perhaps it was not how I wanted my story to be shared. Not everyone is comfortable taking to the stage and telling their tale into a microphone. There are other ways and other opportunities to share our stories with the world. Sometimes it simply matters that you share your story with one person. And sometimes, all that matters is the presence you create by knowing the truth of your own story.

Whatever your preference, I want to invite you to make sure that when you share your story, it is from a place of deep authenticity, and that you do it in a space where your story will be received with reverence and gratitude, because you, dear reader, are an incredible and amazing being and your story – your life, your journey – on this earth is uniquely yours.

And perhaps your personal stories feel too tender to share but there may be a myth, folktale, or a legend that lets you get close enough to connect with someone else. If you find yourself unable to understand someone else’s motivations, perhaps listening to their story — or the stories of people like them — can help you make that connection; can help you see a different perspective; can help you access compassion for their way of being in this world.

I think what holds most true for me at this moment in time is the wisdom of Lynne Twist when she notes, “We don’t live in our lives. We live in the conversation we are having about our lives. We live with the narrative. The story you tell, is the life you will live.” This, in turn, reminds me of the powerful story of when a journalist chased after Mahatma Gandhi and asked him “Gandhi Gi, what’s your message to the world?”, and Gandhi replied, “My life. My life is my message”. Let your life be your message. Let how you choose to show up to the challenges in your life, and how you choose to connect with others and hold space for them to share their stories, be the most beautiful and powerful story you ever tell.

 References:

1. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing.
2. Hennebury, C. (2020). Storytelling is not just entertainment. It’s a fundamental part of being human. CBC, 29 March 2020. Available online at: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/storytelling-is-human-1.5511027
3. McHugh, C. (2013). The art of being yourself. TEDx Milton Keynes Women. Available online at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veEQQ-N9xWU&ab_channel=TEDxTalks
4. Priestley, D. (2014). Become a Key Person of Influence: The 5 Step Sequence to Becoming One of the Most Highly Valued and Highly Paid People in Your Industry. UK: Ecademy PressLtd / New Planet Books.
5. Twist, L. (2017). The Soul of Money: Reclaiming the wealth of our inner resources. New York: Norton.