Tell me what matters to you, and I’ll tell you who you are

As a coach, I’m really interested in what matters most to you. Phrased in another way, I’m curious about your core values. Core values drive our behaviour and are what propels us forward with passion to pursue a dream or goal. Often when we have a strong emotional reaction to a person or a situation, it’s because one of our core values was triggered. Values tell us who we are and what’s most important to us in life. They shape our character and pull us towards certain people, activities and situations.

People talk a lot about values, and we often we think we know what we mean when we use that word. However, values are more complex than we might realise from the outset. There are different kinds of values and sometimes people are unaware of the values that drive their behaviour. Often our driving values are incorporated into our subconscious thinking and there is no conscious thought involved when these values are adopted. Yet, these values play out in our lives in different ways. So, they are actually really important.

In the words of Don Miguel Ruiz, we are all domesticated animals. Over the course of our lives, we are domesticated by our parents, our families, our culture, our religion, our peer groups, our schools and society, and we adopt habits and behaviours that help us fit into society and find a sense of belonging. We are “programmed” to behave in specific ways, without ever really consciously questioning where our beliefs and values come from, and why we act on those specific values and beliefs. A step towards personal growth and higher self-awareness involves considering what our deepest core values are, questioning where they come from, and why we’ve adopted them.

What are values?

The dictionary defines a value as “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something”. In other words, something is valuable if it serves some kind of purpose, or is useful to us in some way. Values can also refer to “a person’s principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgment of what is important in life”. We call these values principles, ethics, morals, or standards of behaviour.

Where our values are hiding

Sometimes our values are not self-evident. They hide in the things we choose to keep ourselves busy with. Often just taking some time to think about what we spend our time on, helps us clarify what’s important to us.

Core guiding values

Susan David, in her book Emotional Agility, discusses four steps for building emotional agility. Step one is Showing up, step 2 is Stepping out, step 3 is Walking your Why and the final step is Moving on. In the chapter on Walking your Why, David explains that before you can walk your why or live your life with more intention and purpose, you first need to obtain clarity on your values.

When you embark on a journey of personal transformation, your core values serve as sign posts along the way, helping you make decisions that will benefit your future self, and resist the temptation to fall back into getting stuck in old emotional and behavioural patterns. David also reminds us not to think about values in the moral sense as being restrictive, or punishing or judgemental, but rather as the arrows that point to what we value most in life.

We can actually distinguish between three types of values:

1. Experience values
2. Moral values/ethics
3. Guiding values

Experience values refer to life lessons learned from experience. We might have developed some ideas and beliefs about past events and about how we saw those events, what we learned from them, and how we would handle future situations because of them. These type of “values” could get us stuck, because they might be based on outdated beliefs and perceptions, and might not be aligned with our current situation.

Often these beliefs are based on fear and they hold us back from making the changes that will help us create the life that we want. The fear we feel when we want to make positive changes in our lives, and the stories we tell ourselves to justify the fear we feel, are simply false evidence appearing real (FEAR). Upon closer inspection, we come to notice that the fear stories are not objectively true and simply keep us stuck.

Moral values/ethics are the things we consider to be good and bad or right and wrong. What we deem to be ethical choices or actions will depend on the environment we grew up in, and the culture and/or religion we were exposed to. Often these types of values are adopted without question, because they are integrated into our culture. However, it is worth examining these values just like our experience values, to ask ourselves if these values resonate with who we are and with our life situation and experience. Moral or ethical values should be self-chosen since these values evolve over time as social structures change. Blindly following indoctrinated beliefs or ideals results in an inauthentic and mis-aligned life.

Guiding values are the only values that endure the test of time, because they do not stem from past experiences of from cultural influences, but are actually the things we hold dear in life. Having a clear sense of who we are, is a prerequisite for gaining clarity about our core guiding values, since these values reflect who we are as authentic people.

For each person, their guiding values, would be different. Guiding values tell us what matters most to our deepest authentic self. In other words, why do we do what we do? These values are aligned with our core motivations and fears, and when you think back over your life, you will discover that these are the values that trigger the strongest emotional responses for you, because when they are violated, a core part of your being retaliates. Guiding values are evergreen, because no matter how much we change and how much our world changes, these values don’t change for us. They will always be important to us.

So, the first important thing to note, is that when we are talking about values here, we are not talking about moral and ethical principles of right and wrong. Instead, we are talking about guiding values and principles that point us to where our authentic self wants us to go in life.

Shoulds and should nots

We inherit one set of shoulds and should nots from our parents. The church often suggests another. Friends and peer groups may offer still other values, and to add to the confusion, there are the value conflicts from opposing political groups, newspapers, commercials, etc. With all these influences, we are ultimately left to make our own choices about whose advice and values to follow. Or, we give up our right to choose and make others responsible for our choices.

Values clarification doesn’t tell you what values you should live by. Rather, it provides you with a method that lets you discover what values you do live by. What gives our life its meaning and relevance are our values. When examined, we discover that they are the principles or standards upon which we base our decisions about how we want to live our lives now and in the future. Our choices, whether we are aware of them or not, reflect our values.

Values are not transmitted or taught, but learned directly from an individual’s life experiences. They develop, grow and change through interaction with self, the environment and other people. The process is dynamic. Throughout the course of life, values are continually changing.

We are often not consciously aware of our values. Some are obvious and visible, but most are hidden from our awareness. The way you choose to live your life provides clues, such as how you spend your time and money. Everything you do or say, tells us something about what you value. What gets you riled up enough to take a stand or to take action? What do you fantasise or daydream about? When do you feel the most alive and energised in your life? Answering these and other similar questions reveals your true values.

For something to constitute a true value it must meet seven criteria:

1. It must be chosen freely. In other words, you chose it yourself.
2. It must be chosen from among alternatives. Without two or more alternatives there is no choice and no true value.
3. It must be chosen after consideration of consequences, both positive and negative.
4. It must be prized and cherished. The key is the enthusiasm associated with the value.
5. It must be publicly affirmed. In other words, you are willing to acknowledge it and if confronted by another person, you wouldn’t deny it.
6. It must be acted upon. Unless acted upon it is not a value, but rather a good idea or belief.
7. Lastly, it must be part of a definite pattern of action. A single act alone does not constitute a value.

The more we understand our values, the more we can make satisfactory choices and take appropriate action.

The roles we fulfil in our lives

Susan David suggests that for us to start living our values through our behaviour, we should clarify our roles in life and then ask ourselves specific questions related to each role, so that we can contemplate how we would like to behave in future, based on our guiding values.

She uses the example of wanting to be a good parent. If you want to be a good parent, it is important to understand what a good parent looks like to you, instead of letting yourself be guided by societal guidelines on good parenting, because there are all kinds of parents in the world and what others might deem successful parenting, might not be how you see successful parenting. It is important to live life on your own terms and it starts with gaining clarity about what you value and why.

Pause for a second and contemplate the different roles that you fulfil in your life. Apart from being an employee, we are all someone’s child. You could also be a friend, a life partner, a parent, a sibling, a cook, an assistant, a confidant, a coach, a mentor, an advisor, and investor etc. Take some time now and list the most important roles in your life or at least the roles that you value most or deem important.

Next, take some time to think about each of these roles in your life and reflect on what the ideal employee, friend, partner, parent, sibling etc. looks like to YOU. What do you value most about your friends, or parents, or siblings that you aspire to incorporate into your own life? Or what have you learnt from how others behave that has taught you how you don’t want to behave?

What’s worth spending time on?

If you are struggling to identify your core values around a specific role, then David’s advice is to ask yourself at the end of every day: “What did I do today that was actually worth my time?” This is not a question about what you liked or didn’t like. Rather, it is a prompt on what parts of your day you found valuable. This will help you figure out what is important to you.

If you discover after a few weeks that you have very little to write down in answer to the above question, then David suggests you incorporate the following question upon waking in the morning: “If this were my last day on earth, how would I act to make it a great final day?” For example, if you claim that you value your spouse, but have gotten into the habit of not greeting them when they arrive home, then perhaps you could make a point of dropping what you are doing and greeting them when they walk through the front door and then observe how you feel after a few weeks of asking yourself: “What did I do today that was actually worth my time?”

Remember that values relate to quality rather than quantity. We all spend time in different value domains depending on our circumstances and being in one, doesn’t mean you value the others less. It is about finding a balance that works for your personally, and about framing your choices in such a way that they are expressing your values and giving you the flexibility to shift between different value domains without feeling guilty. Making hard choices can be liberating, because it helps you define who you are and demonstrates the power you have, to shape your life. The catch is, that you should be willing to accept the road not taken, and to embrace the choice you have made and move forward with clarity.

Keep in mind that living your values and walking your why will not bring you a problem-free life. Everyone faces challenges, no matter how committed they are to their values, and regardless of how much care they put into making the right decisions. Moving towards your values, might sometimes pull you out of your comfort zone, but if you are truly committed to those values and to your own personal growth in alignment with your values, then you will allow yourself to be in uncomfortable spaces, with the knowledge that it is facilitating your growth. Remember that discomfort is the price of admission we pay for a meaningful life.

There is loss inherent in choosing. You give up the path not taken, and any loss is accompanied by a certain measure of pain, sorrow and even regret.

Value Promises

One way to start incorporating your core guiding values into your daily life practice, and thus start behaving in line with your authentic values, is to commit to some value promises.

When our daily experience is aligned with our values, life feels good. We feel satisfied and happy. However, when they’re not aligned we feel bad – frustrated and discontent. When you know what your core values are, you get to use them as a compass and intentionally exercise them each day. A value promise involves two steps.

Step 1: Choose three core values to focus on.

Step 2: Commit to an actionable promise that would bring that value to life in your day-to-day existence. For example, if one of my core life values is unity with nature, I could promise to take an intentional walk in green space every day and be present with the nature that surrounds me. Additionally, I could commit to take a camping trip once a year or visit my favourite natural place and spend a week there, tech free, and without any disruptions or distractions. This way, I actively incorporate this core value into my life in a practical way.

I find my clients like to print out their value promises or create posters or reminders of their value promises that prompt them to stay committed to their values. When they see their values written out somewhere every day, they are more likely to remain committed to living in alignment with those values, and to honour them in their choices about where and how they spend their time. Over time, these value promises turn into the big rocks you schedule first in your calendar.

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2020). Partnering with your calendar: Schedule your big rocks first. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/partnering_with_your_calendar/
2. David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Penguin Random House.
3. Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The Four Agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom. San Rafael, California: Amber-Allen.