Self-care is Soul care

In some way or another most of us are addicts. Whether we are addicted to social media, work, food, online gaming, gambling etc. is irrelevant. What’s most important here is to notice that you may have ways in which you numb… Ways in which you ignore being with difficult emotions or with challenging situations in your life.

Life has changed dramatically over the last 50 years. And living through a global pandemic, has compounded some of the changes that were happening on the fringes of our lives and pushed them to the forefront. The British anthology television series, Black Mirror, offers us a bleak and sometimes jaw dropping, painful look at what our lives could look like if we continue down the path we are on; with social media ruling our lives and eliminating any real possibility of connection; with us spending most of our time in virtual reality instead of out there in the real world, and feeling more and more disconnected and isolated.

In some ways, this pandemic has been a gift. It allowed us a taste of what it would be like to live completely cut-off from the real world; what it would be like to never leave the house, spend all our time online, always on and connected, and yet completely disconnected from our loved ones. It made us stop and think about our busyness and our haste. It made us rethink what we are doing to our world and to our children. It made us take stock of what’s most important.

We are potentially on the cusp of a new human evolution as our brain circuitry is being rewired to acclimate to the new pace and clutter of how we do life. And many of us are finding it nearly impossible to thrive in the noise and chaos of the modern world. If anything, the pandemic has made that abundantly clear. In all the workshops I’ve run over the last two years, people have highlighted how freeing it has been to slow down, cut out, reduce, and sometimes completely stop. So many of us have come to realise that we are not happy, and that the pace of our lives is unsustainable. And every workshop participant has said to me that they want off this speed train. They simply want to slow down and simplify.  

None of us are truly wired for speed and haste. That is not how we existed in the wild. We are social creatures. Our very survival depends on our ability to connect and to collaborate. At the speed that most of us live right now, connection is lost, and collaboration has been replaced with competition.

At our deepest soul level, we all yearn to be seen and heard. We all yearn to love and to be loved; to understand and to be understood by others. These core needs cannot be fulfilled by accumulating consumer goods or gorging on different forms of frivolous entertainment, or even through comfort or leisure. In fact, some of our deepest soul needs are fed by being in the discomfort of our lives, by stretching ourselves further than we thought possible, by challenging ourselves, and by inviting those around us to also show up better.

And this is also where a lot of confusion seeps in when we start talking about self-care, because people sometimes confuse self-care for leisure, or self-indulgence, or pampering yourself. And real deep self-care is NOT that.

Real deep self-care can sometimes include leaning into things that are uncomfortable and hard if they are going to help you become a better version of yourself in the long run. For, example, for my clients, our coaching together is sometimes the deepest and most powerful way they are taking care of themselves. For one hour every two weeks, they get to shut out the world and its busyness, and focus on their own inner work, their dreams, their values, and that which matters most to them. They get to slow down, dive deep, and come out on the other side with intention and focus. There is truly no greater gift to the soul and to the life you know you are meant to be living.

My own self-care also includes receiving powerful coaching. I consider it an essential part of my growth and development as a person. Additionally, over the years my self-care has also included going to therapy, and even joining a support group for women who want to heal their anger. It has involved saying no to toxic relationships and leaving jobs that were killing my soul. It has involved having those difficult and uncomfortable conversations to shift patterns of abuse.

Self-care is often seen as a luxury. It’s often considered selfish. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it is written into the fabric of our social systems that those who identify as women or as caregivers are expected to care for others to the point of breaking. So many women and caregivers feel guilty about wanting or needing time for self-care or feel that it would be selfish to put themselves first. We’ve created this story, that self-care means doing something for yourself at the cost of others.

And of course, this is false. Self-care is not selfish. In many ways, it is the most selfless thing you could do for those you love. It’s not “me time”, it’s “we time”. You see, when we feed our own souls, and when we nourish our bodies, we replenish our energy reserves – i.e., we fill our cups so to speak – we suddenly have more capacity to show up for others. When we are joyful, rested, and loved, we bring joy, compassion, and love into our lives and our communities. When we feel drained, depleted, exhausted, pushed to the limits of our own human capabilities, we stop showing up for others. We stop bringing joy, compassion, and love. In fact, we tend to bring anger, frustration, and resentment instead.

I find the analogy of caring for our car as a helpful starting point. Changing the oil and doing regular maintenance on your car is simply what you do, when you are a responsible car owner. It is not selfish to ignore the flashing check engine light. Similarly, it is not a measure of strength to ignore the danger signs that you have reached the limit of your own patience and energy, or that you are burning yourself out. It is rather foolish to keep pushing beyond those limits, since it simply means that you end up taking yourself out of the game for far longer than you would by simply taking an intentional break.  

So, let’s dive a little deeper into what real self-care actually looks like. There are certain building blocks of self-care that should be non-negotiable. These building blocks form the core of what we need to show up fully in our lives and relationships and they support us in cultivating resilience in life. They include things like sleep, physical wellbeing through good nutrition and regular movement, time for play, and healthy boundaries.

I will discuss each of these in more detail.

Sleep

We sometimes imagine that we can survive on limited amounts of sleep. In fact, we live in a world where many wear their sleep deprivation as a badge of honour. The truth is, we barely survive on limited amounts of sleep, and we are simply unable to live into our potential if we are constantly pushing the limits and borrowing from tomorrow’s fuel to survive. Have you considered what it’s costing you in years of life, in mental energy, in relationships to not sleep?

You may have heard or read about the research that shows that driving while sleep deprived is even more dangerous than driving while intoxicated. A lack of sleep results in your brain not functioning properly. You can’t think straight. You struggle to stay calm in stressful situations. You are far more likely to be triggered by what someone says or does, because you are already deep into the anger arousal cycle, and of course it takes longer to calm down once you are aroused.

If you don’t want to be the parent that yells at their kids, or the employee that snaps at their co-workers, or the spouse who is annoyed by the small things their partner does. If you don’t want to be the person that delivers sub-par work, because you are simply too exhausted to notice small mistakes, and if you don’t want to be the person who ruins a happy gathering of friends, because you are too tired to be in the mood. If you don’t want to be the person who feels agitated, frustrated, angry, and depleted all the time, then SLEEP. Give yourself permission to SLEEP; to really rest, re-energise and recover.

Your body, your mind, your loved ones, your friends, and your colleagues will thank you. And besides, you are far more likely to generate creative solutions to problems or to astound your boss with your brilliant ideas if your brain is rested and you can clearly focus.

A lack of sleep is NOT a badge of honour. It is NOT a demonstration of your commitment to your work. In fact, it’s the opposite. It says you don’t care about your relationships and your work, because if you did, you would want to give yourself the best possible chance of thinking clearly.

Physical

When it comes to taking care of our physical bodies, I think it’s important to draw a distinction between real self-care and the obligations that society have placed upon us. In many ways we have distorted what “healthy” really means in our constant efforts to avoid aging. And as Sonya Renee Taylor will tell you, “your body is not an apology”. Yet so often we feel shame when our bodies don’t meet the rigid, unrealistic, and restricting criteria set by society and the media. Very few bodies actually meet those criteria.

Real self-care means radically loving your body as the gift that it is. It’s the vessel that makes it possible for you to traverse this world.

Aging is a natural part of life. Growing old is a gift denied so many. So, when I mention taking care of your physical health as s form of self-care, it is not done for the sense of vanity or due to the fear of having to grow older. Rather, it’s about appreciating how incredible your body is and what it does for you every day. It’s about feeding your body and nurturing your body in ways that feel good for you. It can be the ultimate declaration of love.

Real self-care is not reflected only in our outward appearance. Rather, it’s in how you  feel about yourself and how comfortable you are in your own skin. I could be really skinny and perfectly make-upped and manicured, and yet be deeply unhealthy, because I have a toxic relationship with my own body.

If you see your physical regimen as a form of punishment, you need to rethink your motivation for doing it. Because self-care is choosing to move and nurture, because it’s what we do when we love ourselves, it’s an honouring of the gift of our bodies and an intention to “maintain the engine” so to speak, so that our bodies can continue to serve us.

Real self-care is loving the flabby bits just as much as the sparkly bits. It’s loving every part of ourselves and inviting self-expression and tenderness in how we treat ourselves. It’s about a willingness to show up fully and unapologetically and to take up more space. You deserve to take up more space. Remember that space is infinite, so you can never take up too much space.

Play

One of the biggest losses we have suffered as a manic society, is our spontaneity and yearning for play. Play is such a natural part of being human. If you don’t believe me, spend some time with small children. And you will notice it comes so naturally. A child’s most important job is to play. It’s how they learn and grow. It’s how they discover who they are and what they love about this human experience.

Somewhere in the process of growing up, we forget how to play. We forget how play made us feel and how important it was to everything we did. When we give ourselves permission to play, we invite spirit to be present. You see, at the core, all of us have a natural creativity, a joyful spirit that can be in awe of life. It’s why we are here in the first place – to experience life.

When we don’t give ourselves permission to play, we are merely existing. We stop being in awe. We stop laughing. We stop being human. We become like machines. No wonder we then feel the need to work like machines and we ignore the signals that rest is needed.

If you have forgotten how to play, my encouragement is to reach out to any child in your world and let them teach you that which you have always known how to do. You haven’t lost your ability to play. You have simply forgotten how to slow down and do something for the sheer fun of it. Sometimes you don’t need an end goal. Simply being in the enjoyment of the moment is all that is required.

Boundaries

So many of us, particularly women, are socialised to view boundaries with our time and service as a luxury we’re not allowed. Not only are good boundaries healthy, but they are also a way to love others. Pushing the limits beyond what is healthy, is the path to exhaustion, burnout, and ultimately bitterness.

Recently, a client struggled with “giving herself permission for self-care”. She shared that she is only able to show up fully when she is taking time for self-care, which of course makes total sense. We can only show up as our best selves when we are rested. She asked me how she could give herself permission for self-care.

I told her she was asking the wrong question. No-one needs permission to show up fully. Babies show up fully without permission. They cry, scream, giggle, poop, regardless of whether someone gave them permission to do it or not. The idea that she needs permission to take care of herself is a false belief. If you believe that you need someone else’s permission to practice self-care, then you have bought into the same false belief. Can you see that? Can you see how deeply ingrained our conditioning goes? I’m guessing part of you is wondering, but isn’t it selfish to prioritise my own needs?

So, let me ask you this. Do you ask permission before you breathe or digest your food? No. You simply do it, because otherwise you would die. Is it selfish to breathe or to digest your food? No. It’s simply what needs to happen for you to stay alive. It’s the most selfless thing you can do, because if you really want to be around to take care of others – if taking care of others brings you deep meaning and joy – then I would urge you to include yourself on that list. Self-care is not a luxury. It’s essential for your survival. It’s essential to you showing up and meeting the demands of your day and being there for the people you love and care for. If you stop taking care of yourself, you will die. Simple. And then someone else will have to step in anyway.

Gratitude, Slowing Down and Radical Self-Love

Of course, this is just a few of the many supportive self-care habits we can develop; I’m also a fan of practicing gratitude, slowing down and staying present, practicing radial self-love, and being early to events in my life. These are ways that I take care of my own wellbeing. I remind myself how much I have to be grateful for, because it allows me to go through my life with a lens of appreciation. I notice how good and full my life is instead of looking at what’s wrong or missing in my life. Because I’m grateful for all that I have, my joy and resources seem to increase too. I guess it’s true what Lynne Twist says, “what you appreciate, appreciates”. You get to decide where you want to focus your attention.

The value of slowing down and staying present, means I’m fully utilising the now, which is the only time I actually have. It also means that I savour my life and truly experience it, instead of replaying memories of the past in my head or ruminating about unimaginable futures that have not yet happened. I spent a big part of my young life living in constant regret of the past and constant fear of the future. Consequently, I woke up one day in Canada, on the other side of the world, and felt as if I had missed out on most of my life. I had been running non-stop, but I couldn’t tell you where I was trying to get to. I had been so busy planning the next thing and then the next thing, that I wasn’t noticing the beauty and wonder of my life in the present.

These days, if people ask me if I’m looking forward to something that is a month or two away, I can honestly say that I’m not. And I don’t mean that I have stopped looking forward to things or that I don’t get excited, I simply don’t waste the now anymore. If a big event is a month away – or even a week away – I will not be thinking too much about it. I make arrangements for things that need to be arranged in advance – e.g., plane tickets, or reservations somewhere, but once I’ve done those things, I will no longer fret about the event, because it’s not here yet, and if I’m fretting about it or even just excited about it, I’m missing out on something beautiful and amazing in this moment. So, I intentionally bring my attention back to the present moment as quickly as I can, so that I don’t miss out on the piece of life I have right here in front of me.

Once the specific event or moment arrives, I fully embrace it and allow my concerns or excitement to be in the moment. And I also trust that I can handle whatever shows up in that moment.

My favourite movie of all time explains this way of thinking best. After watching About Time, I saw my life in a completely different light and I resolved to make it my life’s mission to be so present in the moment, that I don’t feel the need to return to the memory of that moment. I want to experience the gift of life in every moment.

There is much to be said about radical self-love. So much in fact that I think it deserves a separate article. So, I will write one. All I will say here is that Sonya Renee Taylor has been such a gift in my life and so too my beautiful and incredible coach. These women live radical self-love in a way that makes you look at them and ask, “What’s their secret? How do I get myself some of that?” Radical self-love goes far deeper than mere self-acceptance. It’s you giving yourself permission to take up more space. Space is infinite, so why not take up more of it?

Conclusion

Self-care is not about bubble baths and chocolates or taking yourself to the spa for a day. Self-care is speaking your truth and making requests. It’s loving your jiggly thighs and writing that screenplay or book NOW, or starting that business NOW, instead of waiting until you are prettier, thinner, smarter, or whatever else thing you imagine you lack. Self-care is not being afraid to take up space, or to unlearn old habits and beliefs that no longer serve you.

Self-care is speaking up about abuse, giving yourself permission to be angry, and using your anger to put healthy boundaries in place. Self-care is asking for what you need in a respectful way, and loving yourself enough to know that you are worthy of making such requests.

Self-care is not making yourself small or dimming your light simply because it’s making someone else uncomfortable. In fact, it’s giving yourself permission to take up more space and shine more brightly. By doing that for yourself, you are also giving others permission to do so. And that my friend, is true soul care. It’s honouring the deepest parts of your soul and getting as much as you can from this brief journey you have on this planet.

References:

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