Off the Beaten Path

As a Six on the Enneagram (i.e. Loyal Sceptic, Devil’s Advocate and Protector-Warrior), I tend to stress easily. And I worry a lot. I’ve been a high-strung person for most of my life. Part of my hyper-vigilance is probably as a direct result of growing up in a violent and dangerous home as well as living in a violent and dangerous country.

Finding ways to survive when your safety and security are often threatened, has a direct impact on how your personality evolves. As a child and young adult, I would often hide my anxiety, fear, concern, worry (and sometimes sheer dread and panic) under an exterior of bravado. I would jump into challenges and face them head-on, ignoring the gnawing fear in my gut.

Consequently, I spent a lot of time in denial about the fear that drove most of my behaviour. With time as my self-awareness increased and I spent more time reflecting on my behaviour and values, and who I wanted to be, I realised what was always there. My need to control my environment, foresee every possibility, plan every meticulous detail of my future and stay alert to my environment and those around me, was driven by a deep-seated need to feel safe, anchored, no longer threatened. This has been – is – a life-long battle for me. In times of challenge and uncertainty, I resort back to my hyper-vigilance. It’s my strongest survival mechanism.

However, here is the problem, I no longer find myself in a dangerous and threatening environment. I’m safe and well-taken care of. I’m loved. Yet, I still often react as if the opposite is true; especially when I’m stressed or out of balance. With the help and support of first a therapist, and now a life and business coach, I’m learning how to manage my anxiety and return to a sense of inner calm and grounded certainty. 

 

In one conversation with my coach, I reflected on how lucky I have been in my life and how much I have to be grateful for. She pointed out to me, that it hasn’t all been luck. I’ve made conscious decisions that have brought me to this point in my life, and the times in my life where I have trusted in life – and more importantly, trusted myself – I have received the needed support and guidance from the universe. Life is working FOR me in unprecedent ways. It’s up to me to notice the opportunities I receive and what a gift it is to be alive – even in times when I feel afraid or hesitant.

 

What I’ve learnt over the years, is that one small step can change the direction of your life in unprecedented ways. One small step and the willingness to be open to learning something new, is all it takes to shift your life.

I would like to share a recent example that might seem insignificant, but that I consider a milestone in my journey of personal transformation. Because I worry all the time about what could go wrong, I’m sometimes hesitant to make changes to my routine. I don’t care much for the disruption of my “safe” routine.

When I took up running six years ago, I was terrified. As a child, I was bullied and stayed away from most competitive or team sports to avoid the conflict. I retreated into my mind and engaged more in mental activities – where I felt safe. I knew my way around books and theory and mostly distrusted my physical self. 

However, six years ago, I had burnt myself out completely and my quality of life was suffering. I was working all the time – 70 to 80 hours a week – neglecting my physical health. So, I decided something had to be done. I joined a running club and started the arduous journey of becoming a runner.

I didn’t believe that I would be able to accomplish much with my running. But I took it one day and one step at a time. I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. And what I discovered was that I loved it. I was hooked. It took 12 months to go from not being able to run 5 km to running half marathons – something I never thought I would do. Was I scared? Did I doubt myself? Absolutely. Did I give up? No. Never. Giving up was not an option. 

Running gave me freedom. It gave me a way to deal with my racing mind and the “stress” that I was feeling. It offered a release valve and I gladly accepted. Of course, there was the added benefit of increased physical health and I returned to my body – noticing and appreciating the wonder of my body for the first time in my life, I think.

I haven’t been willing or able to give up running since I started. I’ve had setbacks, but I keep coming back to it. But typical in my nature, I still face “challenges” or “threats”. (*Note: these are mostly in my mind and not necessarily real.) 

When we moved to Canada, I struggled for a very long time to adjust to this new environment. And I was terrified of going out for a run by myself. What if I got lost? And couldn’t find my way back home? I don’t know the area all that well. What if I slipped and fell on the ice or snow? What if I ran into a bear? What would I do? How would I stay safe?

But I made the commitment to myself, called on my courageous self and started running again. And I had to face all of it – getting lost and finding my way back, running in ice and snow AND running into bears… And you know what? I survived. Life has had my back in so many ways and has kept me safe.

So, I find myself on a new journey now – willing to explore the possibility of letting my guard down a bit and being less hyper-vigilant. Currently I’m unable to run. I know I will get back to it again. For now, I’m taking long walks to stay active and to ensure I spend time in nature. I find it feeds my soul in deep ways. 

Predictably, I worked out a route that I run or walk on most days. I very seldomly stray from my fixed route – mostly out of fear about the uncertainty of running an unknown route. Until I realised how much I am actually missing out on by sticking to my usual route.

So, I challenged myself to stray off the beaten bath and explore a different route. The catch was, I wanted to remain in a calm and centered space while doing it. I did not want my anxiety and worry to rob me of the joy of discovering something new. So, I really had to dig deep for that inner knowing, and trust that I would be ok, even if I did get lost. I decided to focus on the beauty of nature all around me. I chose to trust that I would find my way back. And I managed to not only discover a new route for my daily walks, I also realised that I could really, truly rely on myself.

I know this sounds strange – and perhaps even a bit ridiculous – but this simple moment, helped me see how many times in my life I navigated stormy weather and difficult setbacks, remaining calm in the eye of the storm, and growing from difficult experiences. Often these moments were clouded for me with self-doubt and judgement, but now I see how much is possible when I trust myself and when I stay in the flow of the moment instead of disengaging and racing ahead of the present moment with all my worst-case scenarios.

Being in free-flow thinking means that you know what to do when the moment arrives. Instead of a racing mind, you have a calm, inner knowing, and you deal with what is right here, right now.

So, I want to ask you, how many times in your life have you doubted yourself or driven yourself crazy with worry, fear, anxiety, uncertainty? How many times did you create mountains out of molehills because you were unable to stay present to your life? What would your life be like, if you trusted yourself more? If you trusted in life more? What would be possible if fear was no longer an excuse and you still took that first step – however difficult? What if you just took the first step to see what could happen? Perhaps straying a little off the beaten path could reveal to you how much wonder and beauty is already present in your life? What are you overlooking because you are stuck in a fearful, racing mind?

Let’s wander together and explore new horizons. As Susan David often says, “Courage is not fearlessness, it’s fear walking”, in other words, it’s the courage to still take the step, no matter how scared you might be. That’s real courage, feeling the fear and still choosing to honour your values.  

I want to encourage you to identify that one big thing that scares you so much that you keep putting it off, and I want you to choose consciously to take the first step. Walk into the fear, trusting that you have inner wisdom that will guide you and you can deal with whatever life throws your way. Honour yourself in this way. Do it now. There has never been a better time than right now.