Living in the Now

Three years ago, I read the book Slowing Down to the Speed of Life for the first time, and it changed my life. Before stumbling upon this beautiful book, I had been searching for ways to slow down my mental chatter, and to become more present.

My search for presence started back in 2008 when I discovered Eckhart Tolle. I devoured all his books and audio recordings, desperately seeking to tame my ego mind, and find ways to really live more fully in the present moment. And there were times when I was able to do that, but it always felt like it was only attainable in short bursts. I had to work at it, and only a few specific things helped me stay present. One thing in particular, was yoga. When I was doing yoga, I was present, because I had to stay so focused on the postures and on not falling over, that I was able to stay fully present. And I would walk away from a yoga class feeling incredible and wishing I could access that way of being more often.

Throughout the years though, no matter how much I tried, it felt elusive and short-lived. I wasn’t able to sustain my presence in the now for long periods of time. I would have brief moments of joy when I was listening to a beautiful song, or when I was deeply immersed in a conversation with a friend, but it would always dissipate shortly once the song ended or the conversation was over.

Then live gave me a painful and beautiful gift. We immigrated to the other side of the world, and suddenly, everything I knew and loved was gone. And with it came the realisation about how much I had been missing in my life by not being fully present to it. I had a visceral experience of how I had not been present. I was always ruminating over past mistakes, or frantically fretting about potential future events that had not happened yet and that I imagined I could control if I worried and stressed enough about it.

And then suddenly, I realised that I had had this beautiful life, but that I never savoured any of it, because I was stuck in my mind, instead of being present in my life. And regret and sadness washed over me. I also vowed that I would no longer rob myself of the joy and wonder that is available to me in the present moment.

In the first year working with my coach, I worked on staying unattached to the outcome, because in our conversations we had discovered that I was deeply attached to the outcome. I wanted to control how things turn out, and I desperately needed to know how things would go – hence the constant fretting over the future. In my mind, I imagined that if I could figure out every detail and control how things turned out, then I would be ok.

Of course, that very notion seems ridiculous to me now, since I’ve learnt over the last four years that I control very little of what happens in my life. See, what I understand now, is that I control about ten percent of what happens. Ninety percent is out of my control. My job is to show up fully and give one hundred percent of my effort to the ten percent that I do control, and then to surrender to life as my partner.

None of us create anything by ourselves. We create it in partnership with life. We create what we want by becoming more present to reality, by embracing what is, and working within it, fully knowing that we don’t actually control the outcome. This realisation was so freeing, because it relieved so much pressure.

I no longer try and anticipate every possible outcome. I know longer expect people to show up the way I want them to. I still plan, don’t get me wrong. I set goals. I plan. AND I know that I don’t control the final outcome. I can bring my effort towards something, and I can speak my intentions into the universe, but ultimately, it’s not in my control. And I must stay present to life to receive what I’m looking for, because it often unfolds in unexpected ways that I could not have imagined.

I shared in my last article that I attended a Day of Miracles with the incredible Amber Krzys. And at this in-person event, I experienced an existential crisis. I was having a hard time staying open to receiving a miracle. Two things were getting me stuck.

Firstly, I don’t really believe in miracles, because in my own mind it implies that I have to believe in divine intervention. And I was having a hard time with that. The very definition of the word is: “an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency.”

Secondly, when I slowed it down for myself, I recognised that I didn’t believe that I deserved a miracle. You see, when I look back on my life and reflected on how far I had come, I noticed that I am already living a miracle. The life I’m currently living felt impossible to me six years ago. If anyone had told me that I would be living the life I have now six years ago, I would have laughed at the idea. And yet, here I am.

I have manifested things in my life that truly felt impossible to me. I was told I couldn’t have kids, and I still birthed two beautiful miracle babies. I never imagined myself living in another country, doing the work I’m doing now, creating my own money, and doing work that truly fulfills me and has deep meaning and impact in the world. I never imagined I would be free from my incessant worried mind, or that I would find joy and inner peace. I never imagined that I would learn to love myself and respect myself. I didn’t have the skill to set boundaries, resolve conflict constructively, nurture deep relationships, and ask for what I need, AND be open to receiving it. All these things are miracles in my life, because they felt so far out of reach to me, and yet, here I am living this incredible life, AND the best part is, that I’m more present more often to it all unfolding – which I think is the greatest gift of all.

Learning to savour the present moment, is the path to joy. See, we tend to think that joy lives somewhere else outside of us. What I’ve discovered over the last four years is that joy lives inside. It’s part of our authentic selves. We don’t find joy. We share joy. We are joy, when we choose it, and we get to share it with others. And that, to me, is far more powerful than just stumbling upon it, or hoping that I might find it some day. Knowing that I can access it inside, create it, and share it, means I create my experience in the moment and with every moment, I create my life.

Steve Chandler recently shared his own struggles with happiness and success, and it resonated with me. Here is what he says: “In the past, when I was struggling, I was always straining to get into my own future. I always thought happiness and success must exist in the future somewhere, once I’d achieved enough. Therefore, my days (and my self-concept!) were experienced as “not enough.” My idea of now was always negative. It was a place I had to get out of.”

See when we believe that happiness and success is out there somewhere, then we believe we need to push towards it. We buy into the false belief that the present moment is not enough, because it’s not the end destination. And yet, have you considered how absurd that very notion is? If we are always looking for the next moment, or striving to get to the end, we are literally wishing for our lives to be over. Think about it this way, once you achieve everything you dream of, once you have everything you believe will make you happy, then what? What happens next?

Looking at things in this way, brings the old cliché about life being about the journey and not the end destination into perspective. See, when we focus only on the end destination, we forget to appreciate the unfolding of our steps towards the destination.

So often when I speak to my clients about this, they recognise that the thing they think will bring them joy and fulfillment won’t, because we have all been there. We have all chased something in the hope that it would make us happy, only for us to achieve the very thing we thought was impossible, and then quickly move on to the next thing. We might feel a little bit of joy and excitement for a brief moment, but very soon after, we begin chasing again. Or worse yet, we reach the goal, and feel empty and disappointed.

Some of us – myself included – are so focused on the next thing, that we don’t even stop to celebrate the current thing – the wonderful achievement that we worked so hard for. We don’t even acknowledge what it took to create it.

And what I realised over time is that what I appreciate most about any accomplishments, is not the actual final moment of victory or success, but rather the steps towards it. When I’m in it, it doesn’t always feel so great – because most things worth achieving require effort and often also a lot of discomfort – but I always look back and share the journey. I don’t just share the moment of success. I share the experiences, the learnings, the trials and tribulations, the funny and strange moments in between. You see, it IS all about the journey, because the journey becomes your life story. The journey shapes who you become. The journey IS the point.

Knowing this, my intention is to stay present as much of the time as I can, to really savour every moment along the way, to not fixate too much on the end destination. It’s good to know where I’m going, to have a clear intention about what I want to create, and to stay committed to creating it, AND I don’t want to focus only on that. I want to enjoy how life unfolds in the process. I want to notice how life loves me, and partners with me, and helps me learn and grow.

Steve Chandler shares Yogananda’s wisdom, “Live quietly in the moment and see the beauty of all before you. The future will take care of itself…” And I’ve discovered the truth of this for myself. When I live fully present and awake to the beauty of every moment, my life feels richer and more meaningful. When I slow down enough to appreciate the wonder of simple and small things, when I choose gratitude every day, when I choose to make this day a masterpiece, then my life unfolds as an adventure of new experiences and new moments to savour.

I no longer focus on controlling the outcome. Instead, I choose to stay curious to what might unfold. I choose to let people show up they way the want to, and to stay in loving of them, regardless of how they show up. I choose to love myself and respect myself enough to set boundaries, to ask for what I need, to express gratitude and appreciation for what I receive, because I now know that none of it is guaranteed. And every beautiful gesture, every kind word, every funny or joyful moment is a gift from life.

Steve talks about the importance of leaving our egos at the door. He shares that it is our ego that wants us to believe that we are not enough, or we haven’t made it or that we never will. It’s our ego that wants us to believe that if we slow down to the speed of life, we might fall behind. None of these stories are true. They are simply stories. Thoughts without grounding.

When we leave our egos at the door, we can show up fully. We can listen deeply. We can experience deep connection in the present moment, because we are not seeking to prove ourselves or chase the next bright thing that we think might bring us joy and success. When we leave our egos at the door, we discover our inner resources for joy and connection right here in this moment.

References:

1. Breytenbach, C. (2022). Reflections on love and belonging. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/reflections_on_love_and_belonging/
2. Carlson, R. & Baily. J. (1997). Slowing down to the speed of life: How to create a more peaceful, simpler life from the inside out. New York: HarperCollins.
3. Singer, M. A. (2015). The Surrender Experiment: My journey into life’s perfection. New York: Harmony.