How much are you “shoulding” on yourself?

I recently shared what I had learnt from watching the Barbie movie. And the key insight I shared was how we put labels on ourselves or how we identify with certain labels without considering that perhaps they are just that – labels. And the label we assign ourselves or get assigned by others, could never really fully capture who we are, because we are so much more than the labels.

In that article I pointed out that each of us have a responsibility to know who we are outside the system of rules we have created for ourselves. And today I want to talk more about the rules we create for ourselves. A lot of these rules operate unconsciously, and yet, they dictate how we live our lives, so they are worth investigating.

When Steve Chandler attended the CFJ Coaching Success School in June and I got to spend some time with him in-person, he drew a tree on a whiteboard to explain what happens to humans as we move from childhood into adulthood. He said that at the roots – i.e., in childhood – we know who we are without really knowing who we are. We know it intrinsically, because we know what we want. We pay attention to our own needs, and we are very much mostly only focused on what we want.

I’ve heard toddlers described as “little dictators” or “little tyrants”, or as “irrational” or that they “think the world revolves around them” and in some ways they do. They have no concept of the other yet. They think that we adults are merely an extension of them, and thus we want what they want. They are not as we judge them – dictators or tyrants – they are simply not aware that we are separate from them and that we might have needs that are different from theirs. Part of them integrating into life with us, is learning that.

Over time, toddlers start to discover that they are separate from us, and that they have separate wills from our own, and that’s of course when they start to want to assert their own will. Judging them or making them wrong for being focused on themselves and their own needs is not helpful, since they are simply doing what feels natural to them, and what they know. And they actually have something valuable to teach us – a truth we have forgotten…

What is important to notice, is that toddlers are not deliberately trying to make our lives harder. They are not “selfish”, they are self-focused and in touch with their own wants and needs. Usually, they don’t have the language yet to express their needs in a thoughtful way. And often we get frustrated with them, without understanding that their upset, is because they don’t have the language to express their needs, because they feel an urgent sense to do just that – express their needs. Our job is to help them find ways to express themselves and get their needs met in a way that is also considerate of others’ wants and needs.

Over time we get conditioned. We get told to not be selfish, or that the world doesn’t revolve around us, or that we are not supposed to behave that way. Over time we get conditioned into what is considered “acceptable social behaviour”, and in this process, we stop asking ourselves what we need, and we start asking ourselves what we “should” do. We start wondering what we should do and what “the right thing” is to do. We ask others what they think we should do and so on. This is the trunk of the tree.

According to Steve Chandler, we spend the bulk of our lives, asking ourselves what we should do, or asking others what they think we should do. So, where childhood is characterized by questioning what we WANT, or checking in with ourselves about our own needs, adulthood, in contrast, is characterized by questioning what we SHOULD do, and checking in with others about what they need, or what they think we should do. We delegate our own self-authority away.

And for many of us – particularly those of us who become Pleasers – we lose touch with our own wants and needs. We no longer pay attention to what we want. Instead, we become externally focused on what others want. The challenge with this of course is that we might create a situation where we hardly ever get our own needs met, or we become resentful towards others, because we do so much for them, and they don’t ask us what we want or need.

We start operating like a Victim in life, blaming others for the fact that our own needs are not being met, and feeling resentful towards others, without seeing that we are creating the situation, because we are shoulding on ourselves.

What do I mean when I say we are “shoulding” on ourselves? Let me explain.

At the end of August, I attended a two-day mastermind intensive with my coach and a group of female entrepreneurs. On the first day, my coach gave us an assignment. She suggested we each make a list of all the expectations we have of ourselves or all the things we tell ourselves we should be or should do. The list could include things from all areas of our lives – i.e., who we are as women, or as mothers, or as wives, as daughters, as friends, or even as coaches and entrepreneurs. We were encouraged to think about what we tell ourselves we should think, do, or be.

For example, some of the things on my list included that I should have my shit figured out. That I should know the answer, or know what to do. That I should not ask for help, because that would mean that I’m weak or incapable. That I should be perfect. As a woman I should be beautiful and graceful. I should not swear. I should not have strong opinions, otherwise I might intimidate others. I should keep quiet. I should be subservient. I shouldn’t be too much. I shouldn’t be too emotional. I shouldn’t get angry. I should be loving, calm, and peaceful. I shouldn’t be ambitious.

As a mother, I slowed down and heard ideas like, my kids should be quiet and well-behaved. My kids should not cry, or misbehave, because then I’m a bad mother. I should want kids, because otherwise I’m not a real woman. I should sacrifice everything for my children. My career shouldn’t be more important than my children – in fact, I should want to drop all career aspirations once I do have children. I should always be happy to be with my kids. I should spend more time with my kids. I should do all the caretaking by myself, and not ask for any help. I should not complain about how hard it is to be a mother. I should look like I know what I’m doing, and like I have my shit together. I should be organised. I should be prepared. I should pack lunches, and do school drop-offs and pick-ups, and bath times and bedtimes without complaint.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. The idea was to identify as many should as the time allowed for, and then we were partnered with another person, and we got to share our expectations of ourselves with each other. We got to share how we should on ourselves. Our partner was tasked with listening to our share and then identifying what the price is of each should. In other words, what is the price we pay for holding these expectations of ourselves? What is it costing us?

To say that this exercise was eye-opening would be an understatement. This exercise stopped me in my tracks. It made me wake up to just how much of myself I was sacrificing by having these unrealistic, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations of myself. It was costing me my voice, my freedom, my authentic expression, my own personal power, my own needs, and wants, my joy etc. And the end result was that I had unlearned how to trust myself. I was so busy looking to others or to the outside world for what I should be doing or what the “right thing” is to do, that I don’t know how to trust myself.

I will share that this topic of trust has come up for me a couple of times over the past four years. I have grappled with it during different stages of my coaching journey. So, I am fully aware that I don’t always trust myself, but having it reflected back to me in this way, opened up a new level of awareness around it. I suddenly saw how having these expectations of myself, and holding on so rigidly to them, was killing me, and robbing me of my joy.

So, dear reader, where are YOU shoulding on yourself? What unreasonable expectations are you holding on to that are dictating – either consciously or unconsciously – how you live your life? And what is it costing you to live your live in this way?

Steve Chandler shared that our work as adults is to find our way back to our own wants and needs if we are to live within the fruits of what life has to offer. If we are to experience true joy and fulfilment in life, we cannot ignore our own wants and needs. And acknowledging our own wants and needs is not about elevating ourselves above others, it’s about bringing ourselves in alignment with others on equal footing. Your needs matter just as much as the people you take care of and serve. In fact, service that doesn’t include YOU, is incomplete.

When we forsake our own wants and needs, we deplete our own inner resources, and we are not able to really take care of others in a meaningful way. Our loving and caretaking then doesn’t come from love, it comes from obligation. And when it comes from obligation, it breeds resentment. If we are to find our way up to the fruits of the tree, we need to include ourselves too, and ask “What do I want?” When our loving and caretaking includes US, it comes from a place of love and true selflessness. When our own needs are also being met, we free up capacity to give to others in a more meaningful way.

References:

Breytenbach, C. (2023). Life lessons I learnt from watching the Barbie movie. Available online at: https://chantalbreytenbach.com/life_lessons_i_learnt_from_watching_barbie/