Getting to Know your Inner Critic

Imagine for a moment that you are a landlord, and you have a tenant who has been living on the upstairs floor of your house for as long as you can remember. The tenant is loud and opinionated, and has, on many occasions, kept you up at night. You’ve considered evicting them, but you always avoid confrontation instead. Besides, maybe the tenant is right. Maybe your demands are too much, or you are being unreasonable and inflexible. The tenant doesn’t contribute anything to the environment you share, and criticizes you anytime you try to make an improvement in your living conditions. They don’t even pay rent! In fact, it costs YOU to have them stay in your home. And yet you let them stay.

Now you might be thinking, “no way! I would never put up with that!” And yet you do! Sometimes for decades.

Imagine that “the upstairs floor of your house” is your head, and the “tenant” is a critical inner voice that never shuts up. It tells you that you aren’t good enough, aren’t ready, don’t deserve success, etc. For example, you are on a date with a handsome stranger and suddenly the self-doubt kicks in. “Don’t come across as too needy”, “You’re talking too much”, “He is probably getting bored with this conversation”… Mental chatter that goes on and on… Or you decide that you are finally going to quit your job and start that business you’ve been dreaming about… Intro the mental chatter… “This is crazy. It will never work”, “What do you know about business any way?”, “You’re going to make a complete fool of yourself”…

Most of us are familiar with those nagging thoughts that tell us we are not good enough, that cast doubt on our goals, and undermine our accomplishments. Sometimes they appear as thoughts or images. Sometimes it’s a voice that doesn’t stop talking. This voice might be there to greet us when we first glimpse at ourselves in the mirror in the morning. “You’re so unattractive. You’re getting fat. Oh my, look at all those wrinkles! You’re getting so old.”, etc.

It might meet you at work. “You’re under too much pressure. You’ll never get everything done. No one even notices you. You should just give up.”

It’s even there to critique your closest relationships. “He/she doesn’t really love you. No one could care about you. It will never last. Stop making yourself vulnerable. You’re going to regret this. This is irresponsible.”

As multi-dimensional beings, we have different parts to ourselves – even different parts to our psyche and our sense of identity. According to Lisa Firestone, every person is divided; part of us is goal-directed and self-possessed, while another part is self-critical, self-denying, and even self-destructive. This inner voice that judges, criticizes, berates, argues, and debates incessantly, arises from within, and is most often called our Inner Critic. Also often called The Saboteur, because it sabotages our efforts at changing our behaviour, getting out of our comfort zones, or creating something new in our life. It thrives on fear and on creating feelings of inadequacy. In fact, when you start paying attention to the messages from the Inner Critic/Saboteur, you might notice that you have more than one. There might be different voices with different persistent messages.

If left unnoticed and unchecked, the Inner Critic creates a pattern of negative inner comments that can undermine our wellbeing and destroy our creativity, attacking our work, our sense of self, our self-worth, and our ability to accomplish our most important goals.

Jan Chozen Bays tells us that the Inner Critic criticizes whatever is in front of it. For example, if you don’t go to a meditation and yoga retreat, it will point out, “You aren’t very serious about your practice.” If you do go to the retreat it says, “You wasted so much time daydreaming during that retreat. You should have stayed home.”  Thus, a hallmark of the Inner Critic is that it often puts us in a double bind, damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

Where does the Inner Critic come from?

Once you start noticing the voice of the Inner Critic, it’s natural to feel anger and blame toward it, and to want to get rid of it. However, I want to encourage you to look at your Inner Critic in a different way. Saboteurs are there to serve a purpose. They’ve been with you since you were little; they are a part of you.

The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early childhood experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As small children, we internalise those messages, because we don’t yet have the wherewithal to distinguish between helpful and destructive messages. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.

For some, the Inner Critic is a specific voice from the past — e.g. your mother, your aunt, a bully at school, the boss who fired you, etc. Paradoxically, at times, such critical voices may even comfort us by linking us to our past and to the most important people in our lives. The judgments of those we loved or admired are part of our story, and, if we don’t spot them when they arise, they become the judgments that we project onto others, as well as ourselves.

The Inner Critic’s job in childhood, is to keep us out of trouble; to keep us safe. It reviews our mistakes endlessly, trying to prevent future errors or failures. It believes that the best way to ensure our happiness is to berate us about our shortcomings.  It doesn’t realise that it is also stealing away our innate capacity for happiness.

As we grow older, it can infiltrate our mind so thoroughly that we don’t even realise that we have fallen into a pervasively negative pattern of thinking about ourselves. When we fail to notice and separate from our Inner Critic, we allow it to impact our behaviour and shape the direction of our lives. It may sabotage our successes or our relationships, preventing us from living the lives we want to lead and becoming the people we seek to be. When this happens, we begin to think of ourselves as “defective” or ‘broken.”

It’s important to get some perspective on the damage a strong Inner Critic can do. Imagine that you hear a mother in a supermarket saying out loud to her three-year-old child what your Inner Critic says to you.  “You’re an idiot! I’ve told you a million times not to do that. You’re hopeless!” We would all hopefully recognise that this statement is harmful, even abusive. No child can thrive under that pattern of negative attack. And yet we allow our Inner Critic to attack us in this way, repeatedly, day after day, week after week, sometimes for years, without noticing its destructive role in our lives.

How to manage your Inner Critic

According to Bays, the Buddha was quite clear about not giving energy to afflictive thoughts. He divided all his thoughts into two classes, those that led to enlightenment and those that led away. He cultivated the former and put aside the latter.

Bays reminds us that we need to recognise the Inner Critic not as the truth, but as a single voice among many.  You can even give it a name. “Oh, hi there Ms. Negativity. What are you so worked up about now?” If you recognise the Inner Critic and stop feeding it mental energy, its power will weaken.

You would never watch the same painful movie two hundred and fifty times.  And yet we allow our mind to play painful episodes from the past over and over. “Remember when you made that stupid mistake? Let’s run that mind movie again, and again, and again.”  We need to tell the Inner Critic that we aren’t stupid. We only need to review our past mistakes once or twice, then we can start thinking about ways of moving forward, and doing things differently next time.

Most people, when they become aware of the Inner Critic, want to get rid of it. They want to banish the noise of the Inner Critic from their minds permanently. However, the Inner Critic is actually a part of you. Indeed, there is often a kernel of truth in what the Inner Critic says and that is why it’s so hard to shut it down or get it to quiet down.

Appreciate your Inner Critic

When you think about it, the truth is that the Inner Critic appeared at a time in your life when you really needed it. It kept you safe in childhood by warning you about potential danger, helping you evaluate situations to avoid getting into trouble, or navigating difficult relationships when you didn’t feel safe. Your Inner Critic didn’t evolve to hurt you, it evolved to keep you safe.

The problem is, the Inner Critic appeared at a time in your life when you were not mentally or emotionally mature enough to understand that not all its suggestions are helpful. You internalised this voice as your own, without question, and then started associating with it so deeply, that you stopped to think about whether it’s suggestions are helpful.

Most of my clients want to know how they can get rid of their Inner Critic and they are often disappointed when I tell them that they can’t actually banish their Inner Critic forever. The solution to silencing the Inner Critic, is actually a little counter intuitive. It requires that you appreciate the Inner Critic for its role in keeping you safe at a time in your life when you weren’t mature enough to come up with better strategies for navigating the uncertainties of life. Appreciating your Inner Critic, thanking it for its job in keeping you safe, or getting you here, is a way to calm down the noise on the inside.

Notice how your Inner Critic has served you in the past and thank him/her. Then, remind your Inner Critic that you are older and wiser now, and don’t need it to solve your problems anymore. Consciously choose to allow the more goal-directed, focused, self-possessed and empowered part of you to move forward and offer guidance. In coaching language, we call this deeper, wiser self the Inner Leader or your Authentic Self.

Your Authentic Self is the deepest core part of you. It’s the Observer of the mind who notices the noise of the Inner Critic, who is aware of you thinking, and who can notice your thoughts without becoming attached to those thoughts. Your Authentic Self knows what you yearn for, understands your deepest values, and wants you to fulfil your authentic purpose, and when you start allowing him/her to take the lead in certain situations, your life changes.

The Inner Critic will still arise from time to time, because remember, its job is to keep you safe, and it aims to do that by maintaining the status quo. Any move towards fundamental change, will awaken it. However, your job is to also cultivate a relationship with your Inner Leader/Authentic Self. When you are aware of your deepest core values, and you have clarity about your life purpose, or what you want to contribute to the world; when you experience the deep resonance of being aligned with life, you notice the Saboteur for what it is, and you are able to silence it, and move forward despite what it might be telling you on the inside.

“Yes, I lost my temper in that conversation and said some stupid things. However, that does not mean that I am a bad person or that all is lost. I value this relationship and I can offer an apology. There is a way to move forward from this”.

“Yes, he got distracted in the conversation. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me or doesn’t value my opinion. I’m going to assume that it isn’t about me and I’m going to be in loving of him, wherever his is at right now”.

“Yes, I stumbled a bit during the presentation, and I couldn’t answer that one question. However, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid or useless. It means I’m human. Besides, I received positive feedback and I answered all the other questions confidently. I’m not expected to know everything. I’m choosing to view questions as an indication that people found my presentation interesting and not that they think I’m an idiot”.

Ultimately the only sure cure for the Inner Critic is to practice. The Critic relies upon an idea of a self — a small self — that is imperfect and must be fixed. It feeds on comparing, on thoughts of past and future, of mistakes and anxieties. However, the Inner Critic has no traction in the present moment. When our minds become quiet, when we are present to this very moment, there is no past or future, and there can be no comparing. The small self then expands to become a huge field of calm awareness in which sensations, thoughts, and voices come and go. We can then notice the thoughts that pop into our head as simply that, thoughts. We can choose to not engage in the downward spiral of negative thinking. We can choose to let the thought pass.

Four Steps to Silencing the Inner Critic

Lisa Firestone offers four steps towards disassociating with your Inner Critic. It might take time to move through each of these four steps. Be patient and loving with yourself and when you give over to the Inner Critic, just come back to the last step you were on and try again.

Step 1: Notice or Identify Your Inner Critic

Awareness is the first step. What you notice, you can change. What you aren’t even aware of, you cannot change.

The first step in freeing yourself from the Inner Critic, is to catch that voice when it appears. When you pay attention, you will notice how quickly the Inner Critic pops up, even when good things happen. We make a new friend, and the Inner Critic pops up to question their authenticity, or remind us that they might not like us once they get to know us better. You just finish a race you’ve trained hard for, and instead of celebrating training for it and completing the race, your Inner Critic berates you for not finishing first.

Sharon Salzberg reminds us that the Inner Critic lives in a world of absolutes, with little room for nuance or grey areas. It’s favourite words are “should, always”, and “never”, and blame is its operating system. “You’ve blown it, you always do.” “You should just give up.” “You’re so weird and different, no one will ever love you.” “You’re broken. You’ll never be able to help yourself, let alone anybody else.” Instead of creating a wide and open space for us to notice what’s happening with some self-compassion and embracing our lives, the Inner Critic causes us to question our worth and collapse in on ourselves.

According to Salzberg, comparison, is one of the Inner Critic’s favourite methods of putting us down. I passionately believe that comparison is the thief of joy and compassion. When we compare ourselves to others, we rob ourselves of joy in the moment, and we are unable to have compassion for ourselves and even for others.

Try to identify what your Inner Critic is telling you and what the intention behind their message is. Acknowledge that this thought process is separate from your real point of view. Ask yourself, who’s voice is it? Where did this voice come from? What is it trying to do for me?

Remember that this inner critical voice is not a reflection of reality. It is a viewpoint you adopted based on destructive early life experiences and attitudes directed toward you that you’ve internalised as your own point of view. However, it remains simply one point of view. You have the option of exploring other points of view.

Step 2: Separate From Your Inner Critic

When you notice the inner chatter of the Saboteur, stop and rephrase what they are saying to you in the second person (i.e. as “you” statements). For example, a thought like “I can’t get anything right. I’ll never be successful” will become “You can’t get anything right. You’ll never be successful.” This will help you see these thoughts as an alien point of view and not as true statements. Notice how hostile this internal enemy can be – just like that critical mother in the grocery store berating her three-year-old. Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts. You are the Observer of those thoughts – the one that notices those thoughts arise and you can choose to distance yourself from those thoughts.

Chelle Morgan suggests creating a character or persona out of your Saboteur; i.e. treat them as a person outside of yourself, and see what happens. You could try a visualisation exercise where you give the Inner Critic a name —Moaning Mertle, Fussy Felicia, Annoying Alice, Ms. Negative, Critical Chris, whatever. Then describe his/her personality. Who are they? What are their likes and dislikes? How do they act? What do they wear? What colour is their hair? You decide how far you want to go with this visualisation.

Next, once you have an idea of him/her, visualise them sitting across from you and stare right at them like there is someone in the room. This whole thing might feel weird at first, but it’s an effective tool to start treating your Inner Critic like a person so you can actually talk to them.

Step 3: Respond to Your Inner Critic

If appropriate, you can respond to your inner critic by offering a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. Always offer your compassionate response in the first person (i.e. as “I” statements). In response to a thought like, “You’re such an idiot,” you could say, “I may struggle at times, but I am smart and competent in many ways.”

At first you might want to acknowledge the grain of truth of in the Inner Critic’s statement, but don’t allow yourself to go down the spiral of negative thought. Instead, ask yourself the following questions as suggested by the work of Byron Katie:

1. Is this thought objectively true?
2. What evidence do I have for it?
3. How do I react when I believe this thought to be true?
4. What emotions arise when I believe this thought?
5. What images of past and future do I see when I believe this thought?
6. How do I treat myself and others when I believe this thought?
7. Who would I be without this thought? What would happen if I could let this thought go?

Step 4: Don’t Act On Your Inner Critic

You get to choose not to act on the directives of your Inner Critic. Take actions that represent your own point of view, who you want to be, and what you aim to achieve. You might notice your Inner Critic getting louder. This is normal. It wants you to stay in line, not take chances, stay safe, not to rock the boat, maintain the status quo. Remember, that it is its job to keep you safe. Thank your Inner Critic for its service and tell it to take a break or remind it that you are now strong enough, capable enough, mature enough to handle your own challenges without its assistance. Over time, your Inner Critic will quiet down as your Authentic Self/Inner Leader grows stronger.

Concluding thoughts

The relationship with yourself is always a journey. My Inner Critic pops up all the time, with a very convincing voice. And sometimes the Inner Critic wins. Sometimes it doesn’t; when I’m willing to allow for a different perspective or practice compassionate self-forgiveness.

This practice of engaging with your Inner Critic will take time and might feel difficult at times. Just keep going. Focus on noticing the voice. That’s the first step. Then decide whether you want to engage with the thoughts of the Inner Critic. Over time, you will become so familiar with the patterns of the Inner Critic or you will start to notice different Saboteurs and it will no longer be necessary to engage in a response. You will simply notice the Saboteur and choose to ignore it or dismiss it.

This practice builds self-compassion and opens you up to a new inner voice — one that isn’t critical, but curious and encouraging – the voice of your Inner Leader. Your Inner Leader doesn’t beat you up for your mistakes or your missteps, but helps you learn from them, and press onward on your most important goals and aspirations. It reminds you how beautiful and powerful you truly are, and it urges you to take up the space the universe intended for you.

References:

1. Bays, J. C. (2017). Getting to Know Your Inner Critic. Lions Roar. Available online at: https://www.lionsroar.com/getting-to-know-your-inner-critic/
2. Firestone, L. (n.d.). 4 Steps to Conquer Your Inner Critic. Psych Alive. Available online at: https://www.psychalive.org/4-steps-to-conquer-your-inner-critic/
3. Katie, B. (2019). One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet. The Work of Byron Katie. Available online at: https://thework.com/
4. Morgan, C. (2019). Treat your Inner Critic like a person and see what happens. Available online at: http://chellemorgan.com/blog/inner-critic
5. Salzberg, S. (2018). How to Recognize Your Inner Critic. Mindful. Available online at: https://www.mindful.org/how-to-recognize-your-inner-critic/